


take a sad song and make it better

by amory



Series: take a sad song and make it better [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bad Parenting, Childhood Friends, Drug Use, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friends to Enemies, It's mostly based on Hey Jude and some other Beatles stuff, Jealousy, Kid Fic, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past Harry Styles/Original female character - Freeform, Past Zayn Malik/Louis Tomlinson, Rehab, Single Parent Harry, Slow Burn, The Beatles AU, Zayn is not a good guy I'm sorry, even though it'll be short, it was in the past but it's referenced
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-10-06 09:39:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 53,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10331756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amory/pseuds/amory
Summary: Louis couldn't save Harry, but he sure as hell won't let this happen to Jude.Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson, once best friends and two fourths of the biggest band of all time, are now complete strangers. The only thing that connects them is Jude, Harry's son and Louis' beloved godson.Louis would do anything for Jude, Harry is too caught up in his addictions to care. Can anything fix what's happened between them, or is it too late?





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. So this is happening? (I can already feel the "WHY IS HARRY ALWAYS THE BAD GUY" comments coming.)
> 
> I need opinions on this guys. I have the first and second chapters written and I'm thinking it'll end up being a very, very short fic at about 4-5 chapters with each being about this length. The inspiration to write this came out of nowhere, but the idea of a "Hey Jude"-esque fic has been in the back of my mind as an idea for a long time. I sort of want to see if anyone is interested in this sort of thing before continuing, so please let me know! :)
> 
> p.s. There will definitely be a lot more explanation in the next chapter.

_April, 2016_

Louis wakes up to the sound of incessant buzzing.

George, his giant labradoodle, springs out of bed with all the grace of a toddler and runs across the penthouse, sliding down the hardwood floors and into the wall before pounding his way down the stairs. Louis groans and looks to his alarm clock, cursing when he sees it’s three in the morning. Who the hell is at his door at three in the morning? A murderer, probably.

Louis reaches for a jumper and pulls it over his head before reluctantly making his way downstairs. The door is still buzzing and George has taken his place there, sniffing along the bottom of the door and softly _woof_ ing every few seconds. Louis sighs and nudges him out of the way to look through the peephole. He curses once again and swings the door open to find 16-year-old Harry Styles.

Except it isn’t Harry. Louis always has to remind himself of this, especially when he’s half asleep and still a bit baked from earlier in the evening. It isn’t Harry with those weepy green eyes and unruly curls down to his shoulders. It isn’t Harry who throws himself at Louis as soon as the door opens, wrapping his arms around Louis’ waist and crying into his jumper.

“Jude,” Louis sighs, hugging him back on instinct. “Darling, where’s your key?”

Jude shrugs his shoulder, his voice muffled by Louis’ jumper as he speaks. “I left too quick and I thought it was in my bag but it’s not. Steven still let me in.”

Really, Louis is not shocked by this at all. Jude has made hundreds of visits to Louis’ flat by now, so many that the entire staff of the building, even the late night doorman, knows to let him in, no questions asked. Even if they didn’t know him, Louis is sure most of them would do anything for the _budding heart throb,_ as the magazines love to call him.

Louis hates that.

“You weren’t answering your phone,” Jude mutters.

Louis smiles and tweaks Jude’s ear. “Love, it’s three in the morning. I’m an old man now, I’m asleep at this hour.”

Jude laughs softly and pulls away from Louis so George can finally jump on him. The dog _woofs_ happily and licks his face before resting his chin on Jude’s shoulder. He’s always done it, ever since he was a puppy and Louis brought him home for the very first time. Jude always jokes that’s how George gives hugs.

“Come in love, do you want some tea?”

It’s thinly veiled code for _We_ _’re going to talk about this,_ and Jude knows that. He makes a face before reluctantly nodding and heading for the living room, leaving his shoes and bags in the doorway. Louis sighs and kicks them to the side so he can shut the door. Teenage boys, Louis has found, are terribly untidy.

After setting the water on to boil, Louis heads back upstairs to fetch his phone. Sure enough, he finds three missed calls from Jude and a text saying, _Lou can I come over? Please?_

Louis sighs. Jude _knows_ that he doesn’t have to ask, Louis has always made it clear to him he’s welcome day or night. No matter what’s going on, Louis will always drop it for his godson. Yet, Jude still asks. He always asks, afraid he’ll be bothering Louis somehow, and Louis attributes that to Harry.

Harry who hasn’t yet called or texted about his missing child. That is not at all surprising.

Jude sits in the living room with George laying in his lap, watching a cartoon where everyone is cussing. Louis raises his eyebrows.

“Should you be watching stuff like that?” Louis asks, setting their tea down on the coffee table in front of him.

Jude rolls his eyes and shrugs. “I’m not a kid anymore.”

Louis barks out a laugh and sits down beside him. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I almost forgot. You’re a proper adult now, aren’t you?”

 _Adult enough to catch a cab at three in the morning without your father noticing? Adult enough not to worry that_ anything _could_ _’ve happened to you, and no one would have known?_

Jude smiles, blissfully unaware of the worries in Louis’ mind. “Sometimes I wish I was,” he admits.

Louis shakes your head. “You have a whole life ahead of you to be an adult, love, enjoy this while it lasts.”

Jude smirks with all the wisdom of a fourteen-year-old and reaches for his tea, effectively dropping the subject. He takes his tea like Louis does, no doubt an influence from being around Louis from the moment he was born and being taught the proper way to drink it. His mother preferred coffee over anything, always trying to make Louis drink that gross espresso shit, and Harry in general broke all the rules of proper tea drinking. It’s a point of pride for Louis, albeit a simple one.

“Where’s Zayn?” Jude asks.

Louis shakes his head and waves his hand around a bit dismissively. “Somewhere off in Asia, no doubt being broody and deep as he backpacks across the continent, all sweaty and gross. We broke up.”

“Again,” Jude finishes for him, smiling knowingly.

Louis snorts and shakes his head. “Mind your own business, lad.”

“I am,” Jude says, wiggling his eyebrows. “You always promised me I’d be your best man. Well, me and Liam. I feel like I’ll never get the chance at this rate.”

“Oi,” Louis laughs. “I’ve got plenty of time! I’m in my prime, really. Thirty-something is the new twenty.”

Jude giggles and leans back against the couch. “I’m sure Zayn will come back in a couple of months and you’ll fall in love again with all his broody sweatiness. _Oh Zayn! Take me back!_ ”

“I don’t sound like that!” Louis scoffs, offended by the high voice his godson puts on to mock him. “If you want to be like that, you can sleep on the couch tonight.”

Jude’s giggles turn into full on laughs, the mischief in his eyes reminding Louis so much of Harry that he could cry.

“You know I just want you to be happy,” Jude says. “You deserve it.”

Louis smiles. “I know you do, love, but I think I can handle this okay?”

Jude nods and seems to think for a moment before saying, “My English teacher is kinda hot, but like in a guy way. I think, at least, I’m not really sure. I could always send you a picture, I think he might be single.”

“If you think you’re going to get out of explaining why you’ve shown up here in the middle of the night by trying to set me up with your teacher, you’ve well and truly lost it.”

Jude sighs and kicks his feet up onto the coffee table, sinking down lower against the couch. He takes a few sips of his tea before saying, “Dad and I had a fight.”

“I gathered,” Louis says. There are three main reasons Jude shows up at Louis; either he’s had a fight with Harry, had a fight with whichever au pair he has that week, or he needs a break from the constant partying and other _activities_ going on at home. The poor kid just wants some semblance of a family, something that only Louis has offered him by this point. It breaks his heart.

“He wants to send me off to some boarding school in Switzerland,” Jude says, grimacing at the thought. “I can’t do that, Lou! School is already hard enough for me here, and I’m finally making friends, and now he wants to just send me off somewhere to start all over again? I’m not going, I _won_ _’t_.”

Louis frowns, shaking his head. “Why on earth would he want to do something like that?”

Jude shrugs and runs a hand through his hair, a nervous habit that almost always means he’s about to start crying. “Because he’s sick of me. I’m a burden already, so he might as well get me out of his house completely right? He’s probably planning another one of his stupid comeback tours and doesn’t want to hire someone to watch me full time. He doesn’t want me in general.”

Louis clenches his jaw, full of so much pent up anger he could scream. Why would Harry do something like this? He knows how hard Jude’s life has been, he knows how hard it is for Jude to make friends and come out of his shell. Jude needs a family, a support system, not some boarding school he’ll no doubt be pulled out of in a few months when Harry changes his mind again.

“You can stay here with me,” he says. “Before he sends you off to some other country, that’s ridiculous. You have a room here, it isn’t too far from school.”

Jude shakes his head, his lower lip starting to wobble. “I don’t want to burden you too,” he says. “I don’t want you to resent me like he does.”

“Love you are not a burden. You will never be a burden to me. I could never love you any less, much less resent you. Your father-you father doesn’t have his priorities in order right now?”

“Has he ever?” Jude laughs through tears. “Since Mum died, has he ever had any interest in me for more than a few weeks at a time? Has he ever cared about me for more than a photo op, or some bullshit article on _single parenting_ , if that’s what he’s calling it? For more than just the time he’s sober-”

Jude breaks off into tears, sobs that wrack his body and disturb George’s place in his lap. The dog whines and presses his wet nose to Jude’s cheek, trying to offer the boy comfort in his own way. Louis carefully takes the tea out of Jude’s hands and pushes the dog away so he can pull the boy to his chest, hug him, try to apologize for things he has no control over.

He’s sorry Jude’s mother died. He’s sorry Harry could never properly come back from that. He’s sorry that he could never fill the gaping hole Harry has left in Jude’s life. He’s sorry he could never keep Harry sober. He’s sorry for _all_ of it.

“I know love,” Louis whispers. “I know. I’ll talk to him, okay? I’m going to talk to him about all of this.”

Jude sniffles. “You will?” He asks, obviously surprised by this. Louis does not willingly communicate with Harry, hasn’t in years. Louis is angry and bitter, and he feels that he has every right to be, but he isn’t going to sit and watch as Harry destroys Jude’s life any more than he already has. He’s had enough.

“I will,” Louis promises. “Tomorrow while you’re at school I’ll go over to get some of your things, enough for you to be able to stay here for a little while. If it…if it ends up being longer than a week or so, we can work that out. But I’m going to talk to him.”

Jude nods and looks up at Louis, tear filled green eyes filled with reverence. “Thank you Lou,” he whispers. “I love you.”

Louis smiles. “I love you too,” he promises.

The two of them set Jude up in the guest room that has become his. George stays with the boy, getting up into his bed and cuddling against his side while Louis whispers his goodnight.

All he can think of as he gently tucks Jude in is the argument he had with Zayn. It was the one that ended it for good, as far as Louis is concerned.

 _He isn_ _’t your kid,_ Zayn had whispered to him, voice full of venom and pent up frustration.

It was last Saturday, and he and Zayn were in bed together when Jude called him. Harry was throwing a raging party and Jude needed out, so Louis sent a car to pick him up immediately.

At the beginning of their relationship, Zayn had seemed excited by it all. _The_ Jude Styles, _Harry Styles_ _’_ kid, staying with them. Jude Styles eating at Louis’ breakfast table, playing fetch with George in the park, stealing all of Louis’ favorite biscuits. It had always bothered Louis, how Zayn always seemed to refer to Jude as if he wasn’t a person, as if he was an object. Another object by which Zayn could measure his supposed celebrity; sleeping with Louis Tomlinson and hanging around with Jude Styles, what could be better? But the novelty of it all had clearly worn off.

 _He isn_ _’t your responsibility, Louis, you need to send him back home. He can’t just keep showing up here whenever he wants!_

But he can, Louis thinks as he softly shuts the door. Jude will always have a place in Louis’ home, he will always be Louis’ responsibility, and if Zayn isn’t okay with that then Louis isn’t okay with Zayn.

 _You know I just want you to be happy,_ Jude’s words come back to Louis all at once. The way he smiles, the way his nose scrunches up in that way Harry’s always had when he teased Louis, it always hits him like a freight train. He misses what they had, he misses what Harry used to be, what _he_ used to be.

No, Louis thinks, looking back towards the room where Jude is peacefully sleeping. Louis is not happy, and hasn’t been in a long time, but this as close as he gets nowadays.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've upped the chapter count to five as I've started planning this out, so let's hope it stays that way and doesn't turn into a huge monstrosity on me! Also, there are going to be a ton of song lyrics in this fic (duh) so I'm going to center them to distinguish from all of my other constant italics use. Hopefully that helps a bit! Also, speaking of, I'm having trouble using apostrophes in italics, for some reason ao3 loves to put another space in between where there isn't one. I'm trying to fix it all, but I may miss some so please be patient! 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for all the responses I've gotten already! I was honestly scared to read them at first, as I was a bit afraid of what people would think of this fic, but they were all so encouraging. I love reading your comments, they motivate me more than anything else. Enjoy :)

_April, 2016_

Louis drops Jude off at his school the next morning with a thermos of tea and a promise that he’s going to fix everything. Really, Louis doubts that it’s at all possible, but he hates seeing Jude so upset. He has to at least try.

Harry’s house is on the outskirts of London, sitting far off the road and cut off from the world by huge wrought iron gates. It’s absolutely gaudy, with fountains outside framed by a huge circle driveway and these weird bushes shaped like spheres. Louis makes a face at all of it and parks outside the gates.

So, he definitely has to go in there, he promised Jude he would. Thing is, Louis can think of a thousand other things he’d rather be doing then going to Harry Styles’ home.

Louis pulls his phone out from his pocket and calls Liam.

“Tommo!” He shouts into the phone as soon as he answers, happy as ever.

Liam smiles. “Hey Li, alright?”

“Alright,” Liam confirms. “Just got back in from a run, I’m making breakfast for the girls. We still on for Friday?”

Louis curses under his breath. He completely forgot he promised to go to Liam’s on Friday for dinner. “Yeah, of course, it’s just-”

“Aw, c’mon Lou, don’t bail out on us now! The girls are missing you like crazy, aren’t you girls?”

In the background, Louis can hear his nieces shouting _Hi Uncle Louis!_ as loud as they possibly can. Louis smiles.

“I’ll be there,” he promises. “But is it okay if I bring Jude along?”

As expected, Liam falls silent. Louis can hear the sounds of early morning cartoons somewhere off in the background. The twins are too young to go to school just yet, so Liam has mostly become a stay at home dad when he isn’t songwriting or working on something at the charity they’ve set up together.

“Of course it’s okay,” Liam says quickly. “I just-I haven’t seen him in a few months. What’s going on?”

Louis sighs and runs a hand through his hair, looking out at the mansion where Harry is still sleeping, no doubt. “He and Harry had another fight, so he ended up with me last night and it’s…it’s starting to seem long term. I’m at Harry’s right now.”

“Jesus,” Liam mutters. “You’re seriously at Harry’s house?”

“Estate, more like,” Louis scoffs. “But yes, I’m currently sitting outside right now like some sort of stalker trying to get enough will to actually face him. He’s trying to send Jude off to some boarding school in Switzerland, and you know Jude hardly has any stability in his life as it is. He’s only just starting to make friends here, Li, it’s so hard for him.”

Liam sighs and Louis can tell he’s frowning. No one in their right mind would approve of anything Harry does with his son, Louis knows that.

Jude has been taken from Harry multiple times. After his mother died, Jude ended up with Harry’s mother for a bit before he was passed back to a newly sober Harry. Not long after this, there was a custody battle between Louis and Jude’s grandparents on his mother’s side. Louis was determined to end it all for good and filed for custody, only to be turned down as he isn’t a blood relative and godparents don’t count for shit under the law. As a result, Jude ended up with them for a few months, long enough for them to realize they couldn’t handle a child at their age, before being passed along again.

Jude bounced around a lot after that, sent back and forth from Harry who was in LA at the time, back to Cheshire with Anne after Harry was deemed unsuitable, back again to Harry after he was sober for thirty days- round and round until he finally ended up here.

Jude’s been at his school now for almost two years and is finally starting to come out of his shell. He doesn’t deserve to be torn away again, especially now that he’s making friends and his grades are better that they’ve ever been. Louis has always believed that what Jude really needs is a home, one place that he knows won’t be torn away from him in a few months and traded out again.

“I know Lou,” Liam sighs. “Harry isn’t reasonable like that though, he isn’t going to see it that way. He just wants Jude out of the way so he can, I dunno, get high and sleep with everything that moves. It’s fucking sad, but it’s true.”

Louis winces, but he can’t help but agree. Liam is right, he usually is.

“I’m going to take some of Jude’s things, I think it’s better for both of them right now if Jude just stays with me. If there’s one thing Harry loves, it’s any loss of responsibility. As long as the papers or the courts don’t hear about this and try to paint him as a bad father, he should be fine with it.”

“It’s so fucking sad,” Liam mutters. “What happened to him, Lou? I can’t even imagine losing my girls. I don’t know how he sleeps at night.”

Soundly, Louis bets.

“I don’t understand it either. Jude is an amazing kid, Li, he’s so talented and smart and sweet, he deserves so much better than this.”

“You’re right Lou, he does. Let me know how it goes, I’ll see you both on Friday.”

Louis agrees and hangs up. He takes one last look at the mansion before pulling up to the gate and punching in the code Jude gave to him. The gates slide open easily and Louis drives slowly up to the house, parking out front and heading for the door.

He has Jude’s keys, but he still tries knocking first, just out of decency. Of course there’s no answer, so after a moments hesitation, he walks in.

The last time Louis was here was for Jude’s birthday party over a year ago now. He came for Jude’s sake, and to see Anne and Gemma. Harry was too high to even notice he was there and ended up going to his room halfway through the party and not returning. After that display, Jude decided he'd rather not have a party this year, and so he ended up at Louis' for dinner instead.

The foyer is huge and completely empty, signs of a party strewn about the floor in the form of empty bottles of alcohol and plastic cups. Louis shakes his head and kicks them out of his way as he enters, shouting “Hello?” up the steps.

Nothing.

Louis sighs and waits for a moment, just in case someone does show up, before heading up to Jude’s room.

It’s an organized oasis in the mess of a house, painted pale blue and decorated with posters of football players and his favorite bands. In one corner sits a desk where everything is just so, pencils lined up neatly, laptop tilted just right. In another corner is a record play with every vinyl of _One Direction's_  sitting on the shelf below, including tens of others. A record Louis had pressed especially for him sits at the very top, the words _Hey Jude_ written across the cover. Louis smiles.

Louis starts filling a duffle with everything Jude might need, including his laptop, the coursework he’s left, the little teddy bear on his bed that his mum bought for him ages ago, and his guitar along with another bag of clothes. He’s just about ready to leave and tell Jude Harry wasn’t here, when he hears stumbling from down the hall and grimaces.

Harry knocks on the door and yells out, “Jude? Are you in there?”

Louis is absolutely seething. Harry didn’t even notice his child was gone last night, didn’t notice whether or not he made it to school. Louis throws the bags over his shoulder and the guitar case over the other and pulls the door open.

Harry just about falls in, but catches himself last minute on the doorway. He’s just as Louis remembers him; tall and beautiful, legs that go on for days, hands that could, and have, span the length of Louis’ waist. His eyes are just as beautiful and green as ever, but they’re glazed over. He isn’t sober, Louis knows. He hasn’t seen Harry sober since the funeral.

“Louis?” Harry whispers in disbelief, and Louis hates that it brings him right back. Right back to being an idiot sixteen-year-old in love with his best friend and deciding to start a band. Back to being a drunk twenty-year-old watching his best friend and the love of his life marrying someone else, back to being twenty-one and holding Jude in his arms, selfishly wishing the baby was _theirs._

It hurts, Louis realizes. The memories are all so painful, even the happy ones have been spoiled by the band’s breakup and Harry’s addiction. Louis pushes them all away with a shake of his head and storms out.

“Louis,” Harry says again, stumbling after him. “What-what are you doing here? Am I dreaming?”

Louis laughs, surprising himself at how sharp and cold he sounds. “You wouldn’t fucking know, would you?” He snaps, turning to glare at the man. “Do you even know what day it is?”

“Um,” Harry hiccups, running his arm over his forehead as if that could clear the fog in his mind. “Saturday?”

“Wednesday, but nice try prick,” Louis sneers. All the anger he’s been holding in for the past seven years is finally coming to the surface, he can’t hold back any longer. “Where’s Jude Harry? Where’s your son?”

That does seem to clear Harry’s head a bit. His sleepy confused expression turns to panic in an instant. “We fought but he…he’s in his room, isn’t he? I saw him-he went to his room I-Jude? _Jude_!”

It’s painful, Louis finds, watching this happen. It hurts as Harry’s old best friend and as the person who once loved him more than anything to watch him stumble around, looking for his son that isn’t there. Harry hardly knows where he is anymore, doesn’t know what day it is or where his son is at. It’s awful.

“He came to my flat last night at three in the morning. Think about that for a moment,” Louis says, pushing Harry away from him with a hand on his chest. “Your fourteen-year-old called a car at _three in the fucking morning_ across London, and you didn’t even notice. Imagine if he didn’t end up with me, Harry. Anything could have happened to him, you’d be too fucking strung out to know.”

Harry winces, so Louis knows it’s sunk in at least a bit how serious this has gotten. He starts shaking his head, wringing his hands together in front of himself. “Where is he? We need to talk, I have to explain, I have to tell him why.”

“Why what, Harry? Why you’re uprooting him again, sending him away again, alone this time to some country he’s never been to?  Do you think that’s good for him? Do you even care?”

Harry whines softly. “No, Lou, you don’t get it. Please Lou, please just stay and I can tell you all of it. Please, I love you so much.”

“Fuck you!” Louis shouts back. “Don’t ever fucking say those words to me again, Harry Styles. You don’t love me, and I cannot stand you. I hate you for what you’ve done to Jude, and you know what? Chloe would hate you for it too.”

It’s a low blow, it’s absolutely awful of Louis to say, and Harry reacts accordingly. He takes a step back as if he’s been struck and his face grows red with anger.

“How dare you-”

“No, Harry, how dare _you_. How dare you make Jude think that he’s a burden, that you’d he happier if he was never born, that no one loves him. I will never forgive you for that.”

Harry shakes his head. “He knows I love him, I know he knows it.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“What would you know?” Harry shoots back. “I’m his father, not you!”

That stings, of course it does, but Louis doesn’t hesitate for a moment. “I know because he trusts me,” he says. “Jude knows he can come to me anytime he needs me and I’ll be there. He knows that I always want him around, he knows that I would drop everything in a heartbeat if he ever needed me to, fly to the ends of the earth for him. Jude knows that I love him, Harry, but can he say the same for you?”

Harry’s eyes go impossibly wide and Louis decides that he’s had enough. He turns and starts walking away, shouting over his shoulder as he goes, “Jude’s staying with me. He’s going to be with me until you can figure your shit out, Harry, I don’t care how long it takes.”

“Lou,” Harry calls in that broken way he has that makes Louis want to turn back round and comfort him. “Lou, please don’t leave me.”

Louis pauses at the door, hand hesitating on the knob. He could turn around and go back, admit to Harry that he was lying. He could never truly hate Harry, he could never stop loving him deep down.

But this is isn’t about them anymore. This is bigger than Harry being jealous of Louis’ boyfriends, bigger that Harry marrying someone else, bigger than him coming to Louis late at night after his divorce for comfort. This is about Jude.

With that thought, Louis storms out of the house, trying to ignore the way Harry’s sobs seem to carry through the house, the way they seem to follow him home.

Louis couldn’t save Harry, but he sure as hell won’t let his happen to Jude.

 

* * *

 

 

Liam and Louis sit on Liam’s massive patio together, a beer in front of each of them, watching as Jude plays with the twins. He’s so careful with them, Louis notices with a smile, so gentle as he pushes them on the swings and plays hide and seek.

“God,” Liam mutters. “He’s the spitting fucking image of Harry.”

Louis sighs and nods. “He is. Reminds me a lot of Harry back when he was that age.”

Liam shakes his head. “I feel awful for the poor kid,” he admits. “Rough life already, and he’s only fourteen.”

“I know,” Louis agrees wholeheartedly. “He doesn’t deserve this. Chloe never would have wanted this for him.”

They go silent for a moment, Liam knocking back the rest of his beer while Louis watches Jude. He’s playing tag with the girls, running painfully slow and letting them tag him over and over again. Each time, he falls to the ground in a fit of dramatics to make them both laugh.

“I still think you should’ve gotten custody over him ages ago,” Liam says. “Bullshit, if you ask me. Everyone knows he woulda been better off with you, if Chloe didn’t think that she wouldn’t of made you his godfather.”

Louis smiles softly at his passion on the subject. Say what you will about Liam Payne, but he sticks up for Louis no matter what. “I completely agree, but he’s here now. I don’t know how long that will last, but I want his life to be good with me.”

“Harry hasn’t called?”

Louis rolls his eyes. No, Harry hasn’t called to even check up on his son since Wednesday afternoon when Louis left him crying. It makes Louis so angry he doesn’t have the words for it.

Obviously, Liam senses this anger because he quickly changes the subject.

“How are things with Zayn?” He asks.

“We broke up,” Louis says. “Try not to get too upset over it.”

Liam barks out a loud laugh. “Shut up, Lou. You know I don’t like him, he doesn’t treat you good and never has. Fame whore, that’s all he really is.”

“Tell us how you really feel, Li,” Louis teases. “Don’t worry about it, I’m on to bigger and better things now, like being alone forever with my dog.”

“I love you Lou, you’ll never be alone. Our dogs are brothers just like me and you,” he says, for probably the thousandth time since Liam went and impulsively got a dog from the same litter as George. The poor guy really needs some other friends, Louis thinks. “Besides, I’m sure someday the girls will be pissed with me and need to run off to Uncle Lou’s house.”

Louis laughs and kicks Liam under the table gently. “Yes, but I imagine this won’t be at three in the morning on a school night and you’ll at least know where they’ve gone.”

Liam scoffs. “I can’t even imagine, I’d go fucking mental if I didn’t know where they were. I don’t get it.”

“Me neither,” Louis admits. “I’m already so protective of Jude, and he isn’t even my kid. Harry’s so out of it that he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s sad, Li. I want to believe that the Harry I loved and the Harry we knew is still in there somewhere, but he’s so far gone now. It hurts to see.”

Liam runs a hand through his hair, wincing a bit at Louis’ words. Liam, like Niall, basically cut Harry out of their lives after the band broke up. They blame it on him, Louis knows that, on the drugs he was on and the way he never fully came back from Chloe’s death. Louis doesn’t blame Harry so much as everything else that was going on at the time. They’d been playing together for years, they were bound to need a break from one another at some point.

“If you need help with anything, just ask,” Liam says softly. “Like, if you need a witness or something to get custody, I’m your man.”

Louis laughs. “I don’t think they use witnesses in custody cases, Li, and Jude’s a bit old for that now, but thank you. I love you, you know.”

Liam grins and wraps his arms around Louis, tugging him in for a bone crushing hug. “I love you too, Lou,” he mumbles against Louis’ shoulders.

“Alright, get off me ya menace,” Louis groans in mock pain. “You’re crushing me with your big Hulk arms.”

Liam laughs and lets Louis go in favor of checking on the grill. He fancies himself a chef or something now that he has little else to do with his time, Louis’ found. The poor guy needs a hobby, Louis thinks as he watches Liam struggle with the veggie burgers that are just for Jude. He’s been a vegetarian since he was five and burst into tears at a petting zoo after Chloe let it slip that cows and hamburgers are the same thing.

Louis smiles at the memory. He misses Chloe.

It was a strange relationship they had. Louis was insanely jealous of her, of the fact that this girl got to be with the love of his life while he was forced to sit on the sidelines and watch. Thing is, Louis could never hate her. She was too sweet to ever hate. Chloe was absolutely perfect, she welcomed Louis into her life with open arms as soon as she and Harry got together. It was her idea for Louis to be Jude’s godfather, her idea to name him Jude Louis Styles. An absolutely ridiculous name, Louis had joked through tears when she told him.

Seeing her in the hospital after the car crash that took her life days later was awful. She had almost taken Jude with her that day, and even though they lost Chloe, Louis still can’t imagine losing his godson.

Harry broke down completely. They had divorced almost two years before this, but Harry still loved her. He always loved her, and Louis knew that watching her die broke any reasonable part of him that was left.

Louis had held Jude at the funeral, letting the little boy cry into his shoulder while he held Harry’s hand in his. Louis and Harry were sleeping together then, off and on since the divorce. It was a comfort for Harry, who was struggling with his sexuality, and painful for Louis, who had only ever wanted for Harry to be his.

Soon after that, Harry started going completely off the rails. He had a new girlfriend or boyfriend every week, he lost Jude a few times, had packed up and moved after the band broke up. Harry had already been doing drugs before any of this, but losing Chloe had him diving head first into more dangerous things like harder drugs and alcohol could bring back what they once had. Their glory days, he’d always joked.

 _They aren_ _’t coming back, Harry,_ Louis had whispered to him one night, holding Harry in his lap as the younger man shivered and coughed. _Doing this won_ _’t bring her back. It won’t bring us back, Harry, please I’m begging you to stop. For me. For Jude._

But he didn’t.

Addiction is a tricky thing, Louis things. It took Harry and destroyed him, turned him into a person that Louis doesn’t even recognize anymore. And yet, Louis could never truly stop loving him.

“Lou?” Jude says, startling Louis out of his reverie. “What are you thinking about?”

Louis turns and finds the boy sitting down beside him and smiles. “Your mum,” he answers honestly. “You remind me so much of her.”

Jude smiles back. Chloe died when he was only seven, and Louis knows how badly he misses her. She would be so proud of him.

“Are you gonna get drunk?” Jude asks, point blank.

It’s a painful question. Jude doesn’t seem to understand the difference between Louis drinking casually, and Harry binge drinking himself to death. Of course he doesn’t, because he’s so used to seeing drugs and alcohol turn his father into someone else. Louis pushes his half empty beer away and shakes his head.

“Nah, love. I’m too old now to get drunk, anyway.”

That makes Jude giggle, just as Louis had hoped. He’s too young to be worried about that sort of thing, anyway.

“Lou, you’re not that old.” He laughs.

“I’m a senior citizen,” Louis goes on. “Look at me, practically wasting away. Soon you’ll be the one taking care of me.”

Across the patio, Liam scoffs and waves his spatula around dramatically. “Don’t listen to him, Jude, he’s been saying that ever since he was eighteen.”

“Well, it’s hardly my fault you were all children!” Louis shouts back.

Jude smiles and reaches out to gently tap the back of Louis’ hand. “I like being with you,” he explains, when Louis looks to him.

“Well I like having you around, love, so it looks like we have a pretty good deal going,” Louis says.

Jude’s soft smile turns into a wide grin and he leans over to rest his head on Louis’ shoulder and listen to the two men banter.

 

* * *

 

 

They spend the evening together quietly, Jude finishing up some homework before bed and Louis at his piano, working on a song he’s writing for a girl group he hardly knows. Being in the biggest band of the century, or so they’re called, has Louis set for life, but he could never stop writing. Even if he wasn’t selling his songs, he’d no doubt be writing them for himself.

“Lou,” Jude calls. “Play me my song?”

Louis smiles and pushes his papers away from the keys. “Course love, but you sing, I’m knackered.”

The song comes as naturally as it always had, ever since Louis wrote it for him. It was right after Chloe’s death, and Jude practically refused to go to bed for anyone but Louis and the little nonsense song he’d sing for him.

 _Hey Jude, don't_ _make it bad_

_Take a sad song and make it better_

Louis smiles at the sound of Jude’s voice, so much like Harry’s. He keeps playing until the boy dissolves into a fit of giggles, singing “ _Na na na na, hey Lou!_ ” at the top of his lungs.

“Those aren’t the words, lad,” Louis teases, stopping abruptly.

Jude keeps giggling to himself as he packs up his things. He then heads across the room, wrapping his arms around Louis’ shoulders from behind in a quick hug.

“Night, Lou,” he says. “Thank you.”

Louis shakes his head, knowing that Jude is trying to thank him for letting him stay. “Don’t thank me, love. Sweet dreams, okay?”

Jude smiles that big infectious smile of his and heads upstairs to his room. Louis sighs, watching him as he bounds up the stairs with George following closely behind. It takes a while before he’s able to get back into writing, which is soon interrupted by his phone buzzing to life.

 _Gemma Styles,_ the screen reads, followed by flower emojis at her request. Louis reaches for it and reads the text she’s sent.

 _Hey I heard Jude is staying at yours. Honestly I think it_ _’s the best place for him, but Harry’s been asking me for your number all day. I guess he lost it? I don’t know but I gave it to him. I’m sorry but he seemed to really want to check up on Jude for once but Jude won’t answer his calls._

Louis sighs. _It_ _’s okay love,_ he writes back. _I suppose that_ _’s fair. If he texts I promise to be civil, just for you xx_

 _Love you, Lou,_ Gemma texts back.

Louis sets his phone back down with a smile. He was friends with Gemma first, before he met Harry. They were in the same class as kids and one day Gemma invited Louis over to meet her brother, little eight-year-old Harry. Harry was Louis’ first crush and first best friend all rolled into one. Their mothers enrolled them in guitar lessons together, and they started their own little duo as teenagers. Not long after that, they both met Liam and Niall, and it all just seemed like fate. Kismet, or something like that.

 _Louis it_ _’s Harry Styles._

The text seems like an insult. As if Louis doesn’t have his number saved, as if Louis knows enough people named Harry to be confused on which might be texting him right now.

Louis rolls his eyes and types back, _yeah I figured. I don_ _’t know many other Harry’s who have a child currently staying at my house._

 _Can I come over?_ Harry replies. _I want to explain things to you._

Louis sighs and pushes himself up from the piano. He heads upstairs quietly and peeks into Jude’s room. The boy is sound asleep with George in bed beside him, snuggled up by Jude’s head.

 _Sure, but be quiet about it. Jude_ ' _s sleeping._

With that, he sends Harry his address and goes back downstairs. He sits at his piano for a moment, trying to remember where he was going with this awful bubblegum pop song, before his hands take over. The song comes naturally, just as it always had since the moment he wrote it while watching the way the setting sun sifted through Harry’s curls from across the tour bus.

 _Who knows how long I've_ _loved you_

_You know I love you still_

_Will I wait a lonely lifetime?_

_If you want me to I will_

There’s a call from the doorman a half hour later asking if Harry can be let in. Louis is somewhat tempted to say no, turn Harry away and makes a nest out of blankets to hide in forever. He doesn’t, though, because he’s an adult. A grown adult who does not hide from old best friends, or lovers, or both.

Harry knocks on his door softly and Louis takes a deep, steadying breath before he answers.

He looks-better, actually. Harry’s obviously showered since Wednesday and his eyes seem clear for once, though that doesn’t mean he’s entirely sober. Still, it’s better that Louis’ seen him in years. Louis moves out of the way for Harry to enter and motions him inside.

“I um,” Harry stops and looks down at the bag in his hands, like he’s embarrassed. “I brought Jude some more stuff.”

Louis nods. “Thanks, he’ll need it. You can set it down anywhere.”

Harry follows Louis into the living room and sets the bad down on one of the couches. He watches Louis sit down before picking the seat across from him and sitting down awkwardly.

“Well,” Harry says. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I suppose I deserve this.”

Louis raises his eyebrows. “Deserve what?”

“Jude leaving,” Harry clarifies. “Running away, hating me.”

Louis sighs and shakes his head. “Jude doesn’t hate you, Harry,” he explains. “He loves you, but he doesn’t understand why you don’t love him.”

Harry looks close to tears. “But I do, Louis, I love him more than anything else in the world. He’s all I have. How could he think that?”

“Well, you hardly show an interest in him. You don’t know where he is half the time, you don’t know what’s going on in his life, you throw massive parties full of shitty people doing drugs while he’s home. You’re trying to uproot him from his life here now that he’s finally making friends and send him off to another country so you don’t have to be responsible for him. I’m not saying you don’t love him, Harry, but it isn’t hard to see why he might think that.”

Harry winces and shakes his head. “I’m not trying to send him away for that, it’s not like that.”

“Isn’t it? Pawning your son off on someone else so it’s easier for you to do whatever you want? Don’t act like I’m ridiculous for suggesting it, Harry, you’ve done it plenty of times before.”

Finally, that seems to strike something within Harry. His lower lip wobbles and for a moment he can only stare at Louis, before dropping his head in his hands and letting out a loud sob.

“Oh my god,” he hiccups. “What have I done? How-how did this happen?”

Louis sighs, his hands itching to comfort Harry, pull him into a hug and promise that they’ll fix this. He can’t do that, of course, he has to be strong. For Jude.

“I don’t know, Harry, but you can’t expect for him to forgive you so quickly. You’ve been a pretty shitty father to him for the past seven years.”

Harry shakes his head and moans, “He’ll never forgive me, he’ll never-god. I miss him, Louis, I’m clearheaded enough to realize what I’ve done and what I’ve become. I can see how badly I’m hurting him and I can’t stand it, I can’t live with this. I can’t live with him hating me, with him thinking I don’t love him.”

“Then get up off your ass and do something about it,” Louis snaps. “You’re making a fucking disgrace of yourself. What would Chloe think of you now?”

That only makes Harry cry harder. “She’d hate me,” he agrees, through tears. “I’m ruining his life, I’m ruining our son. I made Jude hate me, mad you hate me. God, _fuck_.”

“Keep it down,” Louis says sharply. “Jude’s sleeping. He’s exhausted, it’s been hard for him to sleep lately.”

Harry nods and brings his head down to between his knees. He breathes in and out heavily, and Louis notices that his hands are shaking violently. It occurs to Louis then that Harry is actually, truly, sober.

“Harry,” Louis says. “How long has it been since you last...y'know, did something?”

Harry shrugs his shoulders, breath still coming out shaky, and Louis is starting to worry. “A day,” he whispers. “Shot up a day ago.”

“Fuck,” Louis mutters. “Harry, you need to go to a hospital. You have to see someone-”

“I’m admitting myself,” Harry interrupts. “To a rehab. That’s why I wanted to send Jude away to school. I don’t want him around this, seeing me like this anymore. I can’t keep living like this.”

Louis shakes his head, almost amazed by how stupid Harry can be. “Then you call me, you idiot, or your mum or Gemma. You don’t send the poor kid off to another country with no explanation or warning!”

“But you hate me,” Harry whispers, pulling his head up. His face is blotchy and red and his eyes are glassy with tears. Louis wants to hug him so badly it hurts. “Why would you help me?”

Louis wants to shake him, wants to say, _I don_ _’t hate you, you idiot. I hate what you’ve done to yourself, what you’ve done to Jude, what you’ve become. I could never hate you._

Instead, he says, “Because I care about Jude. I’d do anything for him, I love him like he’s my own and I’m not going to sit idly by anymore while you wreck his life. I’ve done enough of that.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry mumbles. “I’m so fucking sorry, Lou.”

Louis shakes his head, ignoring Harry’s pleading apologies. They don’t mean a thing if Harry doesn’t really try to get help. “When are you admitting yourself?” He asks.

“Tomorrow morning,” Harry says. “I wanted to see Jude one last time and ask you…ask if you would keep him for me? Until I’m out, until I’m better. It’s gonna be a long time, but he belongs somewhere with people that love him. I can’t think of anywhere better than with you.”

Louis rubs at his eyes, because this all seems like it’s too late. Harry should’ve done this earlier, should’ve stayed in rehab longer than the month or so required of him. “That’s all you ever had to say,” he whispers.

Harry nods and wipes at his nose before standing up. “I just want to say goodbye.”

“Okay,” Louis agrees.

He leads Harry upstairs and down the hall to Jude’s room. Louis carefully opens the door and George looks up. The dog jumps down from the bed and walks across the room to Harry, who he gently sniffs.

Harry pats the dog on the head as he enters the room, walking over to where Jude is sleeping. He pauses for a moment, just staring down at the boy in the moonlight, before gently brushing his hair across his face.

“Baby,” Harry whispers. “Jude, love.”

Jude sighs and blinks his eyes open. “Dad?” he mumbles. “What’re you doin’ here?”

Harry sits down on the bed beside him, still watching Jude’s face intently. Louis wonders if he sees how much they look alike, how much Jude resembles his father both in looks and personality. He wonders if Harry is ever sober enough to notice.

“I’m going to be away for a bit,” Harry explains. “But you’ll stay here with Louis, yeah? He’ll take care of you.”

Jude nods. “Yeah, Dad.”

“Okay,” Harry whispers, taking in a shaky breath. “I’m so sorry, love. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I love you so much, I don’t want you to think for even a moment that I don’t love you. I know that I’ve messed up, I know I could never really deserve your forgiveness, but I’m going to get better. Okay, Jude? I promise.”

“I know,” Jude whispers, and Louis’ heart breaks as he realizes Jude doesn’t believe a word Harry is saying. He’s used to this by now, to Harry apologizing and making false promises, and then going right back to what he was doing before. But even from across the room, Louis can see the way Jude’s eyes glimmer with just a bit of hope that maybe this time it’ll be true.

Harry lays down beside Jude and pulls the boy in for a hug, crying against his shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Jude.”

He keeps repeating it over and over and Louis can see that Jude is crying now as well. The boy rubs his hand over Harry’s back, trying desperately to comfort the father he believes is lying to him.

“It’s okay,” Jude whispers, just as Louis quietly leaves the room to go have a cry himself. “It’ll all be okay, Dad.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! In this chapter we're going back in time a bit (ooh) which will probably start to happen more as the story goes on. I feel like putting these little flashbacks in will start to clear up some of the questions on what exactly has happened to end up here. Also, I went back a bit in the previous chapters and changed just a few things around. They aren't super big or noticeable changes, but they're probably reasons why I should start writing ahead a bit before posting things. Or make a strict timeline. Continuity is the worst ;)
> 
> Enjoy!

_August, 2001_

Louis has a hard time sleeping on their bus. The road bumps along underneath them, jostling him out of place every time he gets into a somewhat comfortable position. It’s the final leg of their international tour, and Louis is exhausted.

All he wants is to go home, he wants to see his family, wants to sleep in his own bed in his own house, not in a hotel or this stupid bus. At first it was exciting, this giant bus with the bunks and the televisions and the junk food, but he grew tired of it all very quickly. The other boys have too, Liam is so cranky he’s started snapping at Niall. No one ever snaps at Niall, he’s _Niall._

Most of all, Louis just wants a break. This tour has them running ragged around the world, shuffled from venue to venue so quickly there’s no time to even stop and see the world around them. Louis wants just one moment, one second of his day, where he has absolutely nothing to do. No responsibilities, no meetings, no concerts-just nothing. Silence.

“Louis,” Harry’s frantic whisper comes from outside Louis’ bunk. The curtain shakes a bit as Harry ostensibly climbs up from his bunk below. “Louis, wake up!”

Louis frowns and looks over to his watch by the window. It’s only five in the morning, and if there’s one thing Harry loves it’s his sleep.

“I’m up,” Louis says. “What is it, Harold?”

In one quick movement, Harry sweeps the curtain back and thrusts something at his chest. Of course, Louis can hardly see what it is when he’s suddenly faced with the light of the sun rising through the bus windows. After a few seconds of just blinking, he finally sees that Harry looks close to crying. Also, he’s biting down on his lower lip in that way he has that just makes Louis want to kiss him even more than he already does, which Louis notices just as quickly.

“What’s this?” Louis asks, picking up what Harry’s thrown at him. It’s a letter, somewhat crumpled, but Louis easily makes out the name on the front. _Chloe._ He groans. “Harold, I’m really not interested in reading your groupie fan mail right now-”

“No, Louis,” Harry says, his voice cracking. “Read it.”

Louis rolls his eyes. Harry’s always like this with these girls. Fame hit the four of them hard and quick, but the sheer amount of fans they have hit harder. Girls fawned over them, screamed like they were dying at their concerts, cried when they saw them in public-and a lucky few end up in their hotels afterward.

For Louis, it’s just for appearances. He has his eyes firmly set on someone else, someone completely unattainable. The other three boys, though, have embraced fame and all of its perks with open arms.

The letter isn’t very long, and Louis’ eyes catch one word straight off.

_Pregnant._

It says pregnant there, in Chloe’s patented loopy scrawl, and Louis feels like he might throw up.

_Harry,_

_I went to the doctor today. I_ _’m pregnant. We need to talk, call me as soon as you can so we can figure out what to do._

“Fuck, kid,” is all Louis says.

It’s awful that all Louis can think of right now is himself. Sure, he knows the crush he has on Harry is stupid, he knows nothing could ever come of them together, he’s always known these things. And yet, this breaks his heart. Harry is having a baby with someone else, Harry is going to belong to someone else, someone else he’ll love more than Louis, and then the baby- _fuck_. The baby. Harry is still a baby, he can’t _have_ one.

“What do I do?”

It’s heartbreaking just how terrified Harry sounds. Louis turns his head to see that he’s crying. He looks scared, and he should be. He’s only eighteen.

 _God,_ Louis thinks.

“It’ll be okay,” Louis promises, having no idea if it’s actually going to be okay. “We’ll figure it out, love. Come here.”

With no hesitation, Harry jumps the rest of the way up into Louis’ bunk. The bunks are too small already, so he has to practically lay down on top of Louis to fit. He sobs against Louis’ neck, digging his fingers into Louis’ biceps and holding on for dear life. Louis doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know what to say to make any of this better.

“I can’t be a dad, Louis,” Harry whispers.

Louis shakes his head. “It’ll be okay,” he says, more lies. “We’re gonna figure it out, right love? You and me, we’ll figure it out.”

Except it isn’t them anymore, is it? The realization hits Louis hard. It’s Harry and Chloe now. Harry, Chloe, and their unborn child. Louis has come to terms already with the fact that this makes him a bad person, being jealous in a situation like this. He’d just always held out a little hope, foolish hope, that someday Harry would see how much Louis loves him, that he’d realize there’s something other than friendship between them.

“Okay,” Harry sniffles, nodding his head carefully. “I love you, Lou. M’sorry.”

And Louis isn’t entirely sure what Harry is apologizing for, but he nods anyway. “It’s okay,” he whispers, brushing his hands over Harry’s back. “I love you too, H.”

It takes only minutes for Harry’s sobs to turn to soft hiccups, hiccups to snores, and before Louis realizes it, he’s asleep. Louis sighs and closes his eyes as well, holding on tightly to Harry and trying to coax himself into a sleep that never comes.

* * *

 

_September, 2001_

“I’m going to throw up,” Harry says. “It’s coming, I can feel it.”

Louis makes a face, but doesn’t stop tying Harry’s tie. He’s managed to mess it up somehow in the five minutes Louis was out of the room, checking on Chloe. “Please don’t,” he says, gently tightening the knot around Harry’s throat. “Your poor mum is going to have a heart attack if we have to reschedule.”

“Oh my god,” Harry groans, like he’s only just realized what’s going on. “I’m getting married. I’m eighteen, and I’m getting married.”

Louis nods and steps away from Harry, reaching out for his fourth glass of champagne of the night. “Yep,” he mutters.

“Do you think I’m making a mistake?”

Louis freezes for a moment, but quickly regains composure. _Yes,_ his mind screams. _This is the biggest mistake of your life, Harry. You don_ _’t have to marry someone just because you’re having a baby together, this isn’t the fucking 1880’s. And goddammit I’m so in love with you, how can you not see it?_

“I think it’s yours and Chloe’s decision to make, not mine.” Louis says.

Before he can leave the room, fill his drink again and sort himself out so he doesn’t start crying, Harry makes a grab for him. He tugs Louis’ arms so they’re chest to chest, face to face, and Louis knows it’s probably bad form for the best man to kiss the groom on his wedding day, but he’s starting to consider it.

“I mean it,” Harry says quietly, his eyes searching Louis’ face for some kind of answer. “Lou…what you think matters to me more than anything else.”

_More than Chloe?_

“I think you know what you’re doing,” Louis says, twisting his wrists out of Harry’s hands. “You and Chloe are very cute together and you’ll be a great father.”

“You say that all the time,” Harry whines.

“Because it’s true. C’mon, you were due out there five minutes ago. Chloe will think you’ve left her at the altar.”

The altar is anything but. It’s a rushed ceremony that’s taking place in Harry’s mum’s back garden. After returning home, it took Harry all of two days to decide he and Chloe should get married. For the baby’s sake, he explained. Louis had tried quite hard not to roll his eyes every time he heard Harry say those stupid words.

Only a few people are there, mostly Harry’s family and Louis’ as well. Chloe’s family hasn’t shown, and from what Louis knows about them, they probably won’t. They don’t approve of Harry, and they definitely don’t approve of Chloe keeping this baby like she’s said she will. As a result, there are only around a dozen people there, including Liam and Niall who are waiting for them as they walk out into the sun.

“You alright, Lou?” Liam whispers to him as they all make their way out to the gazebo that is covered in vines of flowers.

“Peachy,” Louis replies.

To most people, Liam probably comes off as a bit stupid, but Louis knows that’s bullshit. Liam notices more than anyone else does. It’s been Liam who has stayed with Louis throughout many a drunken cry in the past couple of weeks, not asking questions but simply understanding. He deserves more credit than he gets, Louis thinks.

Chloe looks stunning, of course she does. She had always been Louis’ favorite of Harry’s many groupies, and try as he might, Louis can’t think ill of her. She instantly brightens up every room she walks into, she’s hilarious, she’s already so protective of her baby, and she’s positively stunning as she skips down the aisle wearing a dress from a thrift shop and flowers in her hair. Louis understands why Harry stares the way he does, awestruck that this is what his life is now. It gives Louis just a bit of comfort, knowing that if he can’t have Harry, the person who can is this brilliant.

“Fuckin’ shitting myself,” she whispers as she comes to stand next to Harry, winking at Louis. “You ready?”

Harry nods, smiling at her with pure reverence in his eyes, and grabs her hands in his.

Louis pastes on a smile for their audience, something he’s growing quite used to, and pretends that everything is okay.

* * *

 

_April, 2006_

The drive out to the cottage is long and winding. It’s in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by forest and farms. Louis will give credit where it’s due, the place is absolutely beautiful, but he thinks he might go mad if he was this isolated.

Louis knocks on the old wooden door and smiles as soon as he hears voices beyond it.

“Jude!” Chloe yells out. “Someone’s here for you, shall we go see who it is?”

Seconds later, the door swings open all at once and a very excited little boy throws himself at Louis.

“Lou!”

“Jude!” Louis shouts back, just as loudly. “Is that you?”

Jude giggles, wrapping his arms around Louis’ waist and hugging him tightly. “Yes! Lou, you know me!”

“Hmm,” Louis says, bending down so they’re at eye level with one another. He takes the boy in dramatically, putting his hand on top of Jude’s head, turning him round and round to scrutinize him at every angle. “Well, I don’t know. The Jude I remember certainly wasn’t so tall, and if I remember correctly, my Jude was only three!”

As predicted, Jude laughs loudly and scrunches his nose up a bit at Louis’ words. “I’m four now, Louis,” he says, standing on his tip toes for a moment to appear even taller. “I’m a big boy!”

“Ooh, I see,” Louis says, nodding his head. “Four for a week and you’re practically an adult, aren’t you?”

Jude nods and hugs Louis again, giggling as his godfather picks him up and carries him inside the house. “I miss you tons,” Jude says.

“I missed you too, little one,” Louis sighs, gently setting the boy down in the foyer. Chloe is smiling at them from the sofa where she’s watching them, and Louis smiles back. “Are you being good? Behaving for your mum?”

“Uh-huh, I promise!”

Louis smiles down at him and drops his bag off his shoulder. “Good lad. I’ve got presents for you.”

“Presents!” Jude shouts.

Chloe sighs and shakes her head, but she’s still smiling at him. “Louis,” she chides.

“What? I can’t miss my favorite boy’s birthday and not bring him any presents!”

With that, Louis unloads his bag. Admittedly, he’s probably gone a bit overboard, but he knows Jude didn’t get many things at his birthday party. Chloe’s parents refused to come, Harry and Louis were off on tour with the other boys, so it was mostly up to Anne, Gemma, and Chloe to give him things. But really, Jude deserves as many presents as his little heart desires.

While the boy starts ripping into the wrapping paper of all the presents he’s brought, Louis sits down beside Chloe and hugs her tight.

“Hey, love,” he sighs. “How are you? Don’t lie.”

Chloe laughs and bit and shrugs. “Tired,” she says. “And lonely, too. I mean, you can only spend so much time with a little kid before you lose your mind a bit.”

Louis frowns in sympathy. He wishes things were different. He wishes Harry didn’t have to hide the fact that he’s married and that Jude exists. No one knows, not the fans, not the media, and no one can know. At least, that’s what they’re told. They need to seem available to sell records, their management says, but Louis thinks that’s bullshit.

It takes a toll on Harry and Chloe’s marriage. They can’t go out together, she can’t come on tour with them, Jude is practically in hiding. They’ve been fighting quite a lot lately, something Louis has to deal with in the form of comforting Harry at different venues and hotel rooms around the world.

“I’m sorry, love,” he whispers. “If you ever need anything, you know you can call me, yeah? I’m here for you and Jude whenever.”

Chloe smiles, but she looks sad. “I know,” she sighs, leaning over to hug Louis again. “Thanks for coming.”

“Where’s Harry?” Louis asks with a frown. Their break started the day before, surely Harry should be here with his family.

Chloe rolls her eyes. “He’s gone into town for groceries. We had a fight this morning, it upset Jude.”

Before Louis can reply, Jude calls for Louis to help him set up the little race car track he’s bought. They work together to build it, giving Chloe enough time to take a much needed nap. He and Jude have just finished when the door to the cottage slams open and Harry enters.

“Daddy!” Jude shouts. “Lookit, Lou is here!”

Harry brushes his long hair out of his eyes and smiles when he sees Louis. “Hey, Lou, Chloe said you were coming.”

“And here I am, Harold,” Louis says coldly. “Your wife is taking a nap.”

Harry frowns. “Are you upset with me?” He asks.

Louis sighs and reaches out to pat Jude’s head. “I’m going to talk to your dad in the kitchen love, alright?”

Jude nods and sets his cars off again down the track as Louis leaves the room. He lets Harry follow him into the little kitchen where he stops at the counter, turning to the glare at the boy.

“Are you staying for dinner?” Harry asks.

“No,” Louis replies. “I have a date.”

Harry’s hands stumble a bit and he just about drops a can of beans on his foot. He catches it at the last moment and quickly puts it away in the cupboard. Louis notes how angry he looks, as he always does when Louis mentions having a date. It pisses him off.

“What is your problem?” Louis asks.

Harry rolls his eyes. “I don’t know, Louis, maybe you should stop sleeping around and find someone to settle down with.”

Louis barks out a loud laugh and takes a step forward, backing Harry into a corner. “Excuse me,” he snaps. “But I was under the impression you have absolutely no say over my life. Really, you should be focusing on your own, shouldn’t you?”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Harry asks.

“It means that if you have a problem with me, just fucking say something,” Louis says. “And it means that I think what you’ve done to Chloe is bullshit. You keep her locked up in this house all day while you’re gone, gallivanting around the world, it isn’t fair to her or Jude.”

The kitchen goes eerily quiet for a moment. Harry’s face has gone red and he looks a bit ashamed of himself, as he should be. He looks down at his toes for a moment, before meeting Louis’ eyes again.

“I don’t have a problem with you being gay, Lou, I never have,” he says.

It only serves to make Louis angrier. “Are you joking? It doesn’t matter what you think of me, Harry, what happens to Chloe and Jude is more important!”

“I know but I…” Harry trails off and shakes his head. “Never mind, forget it. It doesn’t matter, you always side with her anyway.”

“I’m siding with her because it’s the right thing to do,” Louis snaps. “You need to get your shit together, Styles. I’m not going to let you turn into this person. You’re better than this.”

Almost on cue, the door to the kitchen swings open. Chloe enters, looking tired, and frowns when she sees Harry. It almost looks like she’s worried she’s walked in on something. Louis sighs.

“If it’s alright, I think I’ll take Jude out for dinner. You two need to talk.”

Chloe nods. “Yeah, Lou, that’s fine.” She says quietly.

Harry frowns and reaches out for Louis as he walks by, taking his hand and tugging him back. “What about your date?” He asks, squeezing Louis’ fingers a bit possessively. Louis tears his hand away and shakes his head, because he’s sick of this.

He’s sick of Harry being jealous over Louis’ dates while Harry is married to someone else. He’s sick of feeling like he has to explain himself every time he goes out and pulls. Louis hates feeling like he’s come between them, like deep down he’s the reason why Harry and Chloe fight so much. It almost makes him sick to his stomach to think about, because he loves Chloe and he loves Jude. He doesn’t want Harry to act this way, and he certainly doesn’t want to be the reason for that.

“Don’t worry about me,” Louis says. “Worry about Chloe.”

And with that, he leaves them to argue to their heart’s content.

* * *

 

 _June, 2016_

Louis sits outside the doctor’s office, tapping his toe against the floor as he plays a game on his phone. Jude has an hour here and it’s been exactly fifty-five minutes. Louis is starving and bored out of his mind.

Luckily, the door soon opens and Jude walks out followed by his therapist. Louis jumps to his feet and grins. “Hey, lad,” he says, reaching out to tousle to boy’s hair. “You good?”

Jude smiles at his obvious concern and nods. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Good,” Louis confirms.

Jude’s therapist cheerily reminds them that his next appointment is the following week before letting them go. Louis pulls Jude in with an arm around his shoulder and leads him out to the car.

“You hungry?” He asks.

Jude nods, but doesn’t say anything. He’s only been seeing the therapist for a couple of weeks, something Louis and Anne both agreed would be good for him. In the wake of Harry going to rehab, and actually staying there for more than three days, Louis and Anne have essentially taken over making decisions on what goes on in Jude's life. Jude had agreed to go see a therapist on the condition that if he didn’t think it was helping, he wouldn’t have to go back, but he hasn’t said much about it yet. Mostly, he spends a couple of hours after each appointment looking a bit sad, but he’s soon back to his normal self.

They head to a diner for breakfast, Louis smiling and signing things for the staff as they enter. Jude seems to grow even smaller in the wake of it all, cowering a bit behind Louis and giving everyone half-hearted smiles when they tell him just how much he looks like Harry. Louis sees this and promptly asks for a booth far from everyone else.

“Louis?” Jude asks, after almost ten minutes of pure silence.

Louis looks up from his menu and smiles at the boy. “Yeah?”

Jude squirms a bit in his seat, looking uncomfortable with what he’s about to say. “Do you think, like…do you think Dad resents me because he didn’t want me?”

The words make Louis’ heart sink. “Jude-”

“Because I was a mistake,” Jude interrupts, nervously tearing apart a napkin with his fingertips. “I know that, I’ve known it forever. I mean, Mum was only eighteen when they had me and Dad was only nineteen, and I was a secret forever. I’m not stupid.”

“You aren’t stupid,” Louis agrees. “And you were not a mistake. Your mum always called you a surprise, because you surprised the shit out of all of us kid, but your parents wanted you. Your dad wanted you. Trust me, I was the one who had to deal with all of the baby name and parenting books being thrown at me every chance he got. Harry bought you all these little shirts from every city we went to, he and your mum spent hours decorating your nursery in that house he bought. It was his first big thing he bought, y’know, that little house. He was so damn proud of himself.”

Jude smiles softly at that. “I love that place,” he says.

Louis smiles back. “I know you do, babes. Your father doesn’t resent you, he never has. His head hasn’t been in the right place since you lost your mum and the band broke up. Harry’s always been…impressionable, and people know that. They know exactly how to manipulate him into doing what they want. He has a hard time saying no to things, especially when he’s vulnerable. I still believe he’s there, though, that somewhere in there is the man I-”

Louis stops himself abruptly and looks down at his tea. _Fuck._

Across the table, Jude’s eyes soften a bit. “You deserve better than that,” he says.

Louis laughs and tries to discreetly wipe away the tears forming in his eyes. “Really don’t think it’s appropriate, you giving me relationship advice like that.”

Just then, the waitress appears to take their orders. Jude doesn’t seem to want to let it go, though, because as soon as she leaves he says, “I think Dad is awful for doing this to you.”

“Love,” Louis sighs, rubbing at his temples. He doesn’t want to promote this-he’s trying to fix Harry and Jude, not come between them.

“I’m allowed an opinion,” Jude defends himself. “I think the way he’s led you on all these years is terrible, he even did it when he and Mum were still together. You deserve better than that.”

Louis shakes his head. “Jude, stop,” he says, trying not to sound too angry. He isn’t angry, really, just sad. It makes him sad thinking about any of this. “What goes on between your dad and I is strictly between us. I appreciate what you’re trying to say, love, really, but this isn’t something you should be concerned with.”

Jude looks a bit hurt by Louis’ tone. He frowns and leans back in his chair before nodding his head in assent. They stay sat that way for a bit, Louis trying to regain composure and Jude looking upset.

“Lad, don’t be angry with me,” Louis pleads, finally.

Jude shakes his head. “M’not, I’m angry at Dad. Maybe if he had figured himself out earlier then he and Mum wouldn’t have had me and gotten married and he wouldn’t be like this.”

“But it doesn’t work like that, love,” Louis says carefully. “Sexuality is complicated, Jude, and it isn’t Harry’s fault for not realizing sooner. I mean, you have to realize the situation we were in at the time. They basically trained all the gay right out of me, or tried anyway, imagine what seeing that did to him. I’m not saying what happened between him and your mum was right-it isn’t an excuse for treating me badly, or you, or even your mum when they were divorcing-but it happened. You can’t change the past, and I would never want for you to not exist, Jude, neither would your dad.”

Jude nods his head a bit, but Louis doubts he really understands it all. He’s only fourteen, stuck in that place where he’s not quite an adult but not quite a child, and Louis knows the way he thinks of these things is different. In Jude’s mind, he is the reason that Harry’s life has gone off the rails, and it’s hard for him to see it otherwise. It probably doesn't help that he also hasn't seen his father in two months, since Harry left that night after saying goodbye. Though he hasn't said anything about it, Louis knows that Jude sees this almost like he's been abandoned again. Harry hasn't had visitors, and he hasn't tried to contact them, and that's starting to take it's toll. The poor boy needs a break, some time to do something other than worry about Harry or his feelings.

“Hey,” Louis says, reaching out to pat Jude’s hand. “I’ve got an idea.”

Jude smiles. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Louis replies. “Let’s head out this weekend, we can go to your old house. You dad still owns it, still has someone take care of it now and then, he has the keys squirreled away somewhere. It’ll be great, just you, me, and George.”

For the first time in days, Jude smiles a real smile. “That sounds awesome, Lou,” he says, sounding honestly excited by the idea. Louis smiles back and nods.

It’ll be good for them both, he thinks. They need a holiday, even if it is just to a little cottage in the middle of the woods.


	4. Chapter 4

_May, 2009_

“Louis,” Harry groans. “Please-”

The doorbell rings and Louis scrambles off of Harry so fast he falls off the bed.

“You’re expecting someone?” Louis accuses in a harsh whisper, grabbing for his clothes.

Harry sits up in his bed, half naked and covered in love bites. He looks not at all concerned about someone walking in on them, simply frowning thoughtfully as Louis scrambles to get dressed.

“No,” he says as the doorbell rings again. “I don’t think so, at least.”

“Oh, you don’t think so?” Louis hisses, tossing a jumper at his head. It hits Harry right in the face and he whines like it hurt. “Get up, it could be one of the boys.”

Or, worse than that even, it could be Harry’s assistant, or someone in management making a house call, because god knows Harry never answers his phone. Yes, Louis realizes he’s being entirely irrational, but if they’re caught together then it’s all going to come crashing down around them. The happy little life they’re pretending to have together is so easily destroyed by reality, and Louis hates it.

It feels like instant relief when Harry opens the door to find it’s Chloe and Jude.

“Daddy!” Jude shouts, stepping forward to hug him. Louis watches on from where he’s trying his hardest to look casual on the couch and smiles.

Harry laughs and picks the boy up. “Hello, love,” he says. “What are you doing here, troublemaker, aren’t you supposed to be in school?”

Chloe sighs and steps inside, passing by Harry and dropping grocery bags on the table. “I’m sorry H,” she says. “They called me, he got sent home with a fever. I need to head back to work, I did try to call but-oh. Hi, Louis.”

Louis smiles. “Hey, Chlo.”

It takes approximately two seconds for Chloe to figure out what’s going on. She looks from Louis’ obviously disheveled appearance back to Harry’s flushed cheeks, and laughs. “On second thought, maybe I should’ve tried calling again.”

Harry groans. “Chloe,” he sighs.

“I’m joking,” she laughs. “But really, Harry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I know it’s not your week, I can just head home with him now.”

Harry tightens his arms around Jude and shakes his head. “Of course not, Chloe,” he says. “You need to go to work, it doesn’t matter what day it is. If you two need me, you know I’m here.”

Chloe smiles at him and nods. It’s been ten times better, Louis has noticed, since the divorce. At first they were both bitter, Chloe angry at Harry, Harry angry at himself-but they’ve talked it through. Harry came out to her, finally, and Chloe admitted that it made sense, apologized for the things she had said when they fought. They trade days off with Jude and he seems happier as well now that his parents aren’t at each other’s throats every moment. It’s working just as Louis had always told Harry it would.

“Okay,” Chloe sighs. “Jude, you’re alright to stay here with Daddy for now?”

Jude nods and turns to Harry. “My stomach is feelin' really yucky,” he says. “Can I stay here with you and Lou?”

“Of course you can!” Louis says quickly. “We’ll take good care of you, kid.”

Jude smiles at him and giggles when Chloe leans in to kiss his cheek. She then goes through her bags, explaining to Harry which medicines she’s already given him and when he can have his next dose. Louis listens as well, knowing he has a far better memory than Harry does. She leaves them with the promise she’ll be back after work, that they’ll all have a night in together, and calls a goodbye over her shoulder.

“I love you, Mummy!” Jude calls.

It’s the last thing he ever says to his mother.

Sometimes Louis wishes he could go back in time and make Chloe stay with them, stop her from heading out, or at least delay her. If she had even waited two minutes, she would still be alive. She was only a few blocks away when someone ran a red light and hit her head on; they could hear the sirens from Harry’s flat.

Later that night is the last time Louis ever sees Chloe.

Harry completely broke down, and to Louis it all seems to happen in flashes. The hospital calls, asking Harry if he knows Chloe. They meet Anne at the hospital, pass Jude off to her while he begs to know what’s going on. The doctor meets with Harry and says their only option is surgery, that the bleeding is too much. She has multiple injuries and will never walk again. Harry collapses against Louis when he hears this, crying and begging for someone to tell him she’s be okay, that they’ll save her.

And they can’t, of course, but Louis lets himself be hopeful. They are allowed only seconds with her before she’s rushed to surgery. She is drifting in and out of consciousness, whispering Jude’s name over and over again, and reaching out for something, anything with her bruised hands

Louis, without really thinking, grabs on. Chloe reacts and squeezes back with all the strength of someone who is going to fight.

“Lou,” she whispers, her swollen face making her almost impossible to understand. “Take care of my boys. Jude ’n H, please…”

“Always,” Louis promises, trying to blink through his tears. He reaches out and brushes at her hair, coming away with bloodstained fingertips, and chokes on a sob. “Always, Chloe. You’ll be okay-you have to be okay.”

Chloe just gives him one last ghost of a smile before she’s wheeled off.

Harry falls against Louis and sobs into his shoulder. It isn’t fair, Louis thinks as the flurry of people around Chloe quickly disappear down the hall. He digs his fingers into Harry’s back, holding on for dear life, and starts crying too.

Nothing is fair.

 

* * *

 

 

_September, 2009_

Louis sits down heavily in his seat as the judge announces his verdict. His lawyer is saying something to him, patting his shoulder and looking somber, but Louis can’t hear any of it. All he can hear is those words on repeat in his mind, sounding so final.

_The court rules in favor of the grandparents._

It seems absolutely absurd. If Chloe were here, she would laugh, but she isn’t and that’s just the problem.

“Louis,” Anne whispers to him, reaching out to put her hand on his shoulder. “Love, I’m so sorry. It’s going to be okay-”

“No it isn’t,” Louis snaps. “It fucking isn’t okay, it never is. They just…Christ. I’m sorry, Anne, I shouldn’t snap at you-”

Anne stops him by hugging him tightly. “Oh, love,” she sighs. “Don’t apologize to me. This isn’t over, okay? We can…you can try again. It’ll work out, you’ll see.”

Louis shakes his head but says nothing. It isn’t going to work out, and he knows that, the judge has made that incredibly obvious. Louis is an openly gay musician and best friends with Jude’s father, who is currently in court ordered rehab for the second time this month. They will never give Jude to him, never, even if that’s what Chloe would have wanted, even if Jude has told everyone who asks that that’s what he wants.

Her parents haven’t seen Jude since he was a baby, have never had any interest in him until they heard Louis was petitioning for custody. Apparently, they see Jude being raised by Louis even temporarily as completely unacceptable.

“They won’t,” Louis sighs. “Might turn him gay, yeah? We wouldn’t want that, would we?”

Anne looks stricken by his words, close to tears at the obvious truth of them. “Louis,” she whispers.

“I just want to see him,” Louis says as Chloe’s parents pass him. “Can’t I just say goodbye?”

They look reluctant, but allow it. Louis is then led to the room Jude has been waiting in along with his social worker. He looks up as soon as Louis walks in and beams.

“Lou!” he says, reaching out for a hug. “What’s goin’ on? Can we go home now?”

It breaks Louis’ heart. They’ve been staying in Chloe and Harry’s old house, the house they mostly used for weekend getaways and vacations after the divorce. Jude loves it, loves having familiar things around that remind him of his parents now that they aren’t around.

And to think, that’s all about to be torn away from him for something so stupid.

It occurs to Louis suddenly that he has to break the news to Jude that he’s going with his grandparents.

“Jude,” he says, smiling as best as he can through his tears. “You’re going to be with your grandparents for a bit, okay? We’ll see each other soon.”

They’ve talked about this. Louis wanted to make sure Jude knew this might happen, but if he was being honest, he didn’t think it would. He was so sure that anyone would be able to see how much Jude needs him right now, that he’s better off with Louis than anyone else right now, that he didn’t prepare himself. He was sure that the fact that Chloe ran away from home so many times as a teenager to avoid her angry father and had absolutely no support from her parents when raising her child would count for something.

Jude breaks down. He shakes his head, tears starting to fall immediately. Louis crouches down beside him, ignoring the way Jude’s grandparents are watching on from the door. He wishes it was just him and Jude now, that Louis could have some time to talk about this with the boy and calm him a bit.

“No!” Jude says. “No, I wanna be with you, Lou, I wanna stay with you!”

“I know, love,” Louis whispers. “It’s going to be okay, though. You’ll be good for your grandparents, won’t you?”

Jude shakes his head. “I hate them,” he says with all the confidence of a child. “I want to stay with _you_ , why won’t anyone listen to me?”

He must feel so powerless, Louis realizes, being shuffled around like this.

“Hey,” Louis whispers, reaching out to hug him again. “Darling, don’t say that. I know things seem pretty bad right now, but you don’t hate your grandparents. You’re going to have a great time there, yeah? And I’m going to stay here and make sure Daddy gets better so you can come back home.”

Jude sniffles. “When am I gonna see you again?”

“I’m not sure, love,” Louis sighs. “But I promise it’ll be soon, okay? I won’t give up on this, Jude, we’re going to figure it all out.”

Jude keeps crying, so Louis just holds him for a bit. He can feel the other people in the room watching on as he slowly rocks the boy back and forth, trying to comfort him. It’s fruitless, because moments later Chloe’s dad announces that they have to go.

“No!” Jude screams when Louis starts to let him go. “No, I’m not gonna go. I don’t wanna-Louis, please don’t let them take me!”

“Darling,” Louis whispers, reaching out to gently push the boy’s fringe out of his eyes. “You have to go now, okay? But I love you so much, and I promise it’s going to be okay. You have to be good for me, promise?”

Jude wipes his tears away with the sleeve of his jumper and looks up at his grandparents who seem shocked by his tantrum. He then looks back to Louis, eyes teary and hopeful, and nods.

“I promise,” he hiccups. “I love you, too. But you’re gonna come and get me soon, right Lou? When you make Daddy better you’re gonna come and get me, aren’t you?”

“Yeah darling,” Louis croaks out. “Real soon.”

Jude throws his arms around Louis for one last hug before being led away in tears by his grandmother. Before Chloe’s father can leave, though, Louis reaches out and grabs him by the arm. He has nothing else to lose.

“I hope you realize what you’re doing,” he growls to him. “If you really cared about him, you wouldn’t be doing this. If I find out he isn’t being taken care of, I swear to god I’ll-”

The man rips his arm away, though he does look a bit shocked by Louis’ outburst. “I don’t know what Chloe told you,” he sneers back. “But none of it is true. Jude is better off with us than he could _ever_ be with someone like you.”

Before Louis can do something stupid like punch the man in the face, Anne claps her hand down on his shoulder. She pulls Louis in and scowls at Chloe’s father. “You should quit while you’re ahead,” she says. “I expect to see Jude every weekend on time, just as we’ve arranged.”

Chloe’s father scowls at them both but nods and follows his wife out. Louis shakes his head and leaves as well, ignoring the way Anne tries to call him back. He needs to be alone.

Later that night, Louis returns for the first time in weeks to a quiet house. Jude’s coloring books are still out on the coffee table, his little shoes are by the door, and his race cars are in a neat line on the floor of his room. Louis breaks down.

That’s how Liam and Niall find him later, no doubt called by Anne with the news. Louis is sobbing on the couch when they come in, holding Jude’s teddy bear in his hands.

“Oh Lou,” Niall whispers, heading straight for him.

Louis shakes his head as Niall hugs him. “He can’t sleep without it,” he mutters. “He can’t sleep if I don’t sing him his song, Ni. I didn’t try hard enough, Chloe would hate me. Jude will hate me.”

Liam sits down beside Louis and shakes his head. “They wouldn’t hate you, Louis, you tried as hard as you could.”

“Yeah,” Niall agrees, gently rubbing Louis’ shoulder. “Jude will be fine, yeah? It isn’t like he’ll be there long, just until Harry’s back.”

And Louis nods, but it’s a lie. It’s just as much of a lie now as it was earlier when Jude said the same thing.

Harry isn’t going to get better, Louis knows that, because he is determined not to. He has no interest in sobering up and participating, no interest in facing what’s happening out here in the real world. They can force him to get treatment as many times as they want, but it isn’t going to work because Harry doesn’t want it to. He’s given up.

It’s that moment there that Louis decides he’s done. That moment-sitting on Harry’s couch, crying over Jude’s bear, listening to Liam and Niall try and convince him things will get better-that Louis realizes something.

All of this when it comes down to it is Harry’s fault. He won’t try to get better, not for Jude, not for Louis, not for himself-not for anything. If he did, none of this would be happening. Jude would be home with them, with _Louis_. Instead Jude is somewhere with strangers, people that don’t know the things about him that Louis does, and it’s all Harry’s fault.

And Louis will never forgive him.

 

* * *

 

 

_July, 2016_

George hops out of the car and bounds up the drive as soon as Jude opens his door. The dog makes a beeline for the home, sniffing around the door and barking as if someone is inside to open it for him. Louis rolls his eyes and turns the car off so he can get to the door before George tears it down.

The house is beautiful as ever, secluded and quiet in the woods surrounding it. Louis stops for a moment just to take it all in, but is soon interrupted by his dog’s barking.

“Okay, okay,” Louis says, fumbling with the keys. As soon as he opens the door, George takes off to explore the new environment.

Jude follows Louis slowly, looking around the well-kept garden before coming inside. He sighs as soon as he does and whispers, “God, I haven’t been here in ages. The last time I was here I was with you, actually.”

Louis smiles softly. That would have been the morning of the final custody hearing, hours before Louis lost him. Not exactly a fond memory, then.

“Mum’s absolutely ruined this paint job,” Jude laughs, running his hand over the foyer wall.

Admittedly, he’s right. Louis can still remember when Chloe decided to paint most of the house that awful red color, driven mad by boredom while she was alone. There’s still marks on the ceiling from where her paintbrush had brushed it, not at all professional looking. Harry had hated the color and the three of them had repainted most of it a cream color, but Chloe kept her one wall right by the door.

 _It_ _’s charming!_ She’d insisted.

“Oi,” Louis says, smiling at the memory. “She tried. Besides, she was short, the fact that she even reached up that high is impressive.”

Jude looks up to the top of the wall where the paint becomes sparse and smiles. “She was short?” he asks. “I remember her being larger than life, but I suppose that’s because I was just a kid.”

Louis smiles and kicks his shoes off at the door beside Jude’s. “She was,” he says. “Larger than life, I mean. But really, she was really short, shorter than me even. They always looked a bit ridiculous together, her and Harry, but she was beautiful too, so it evened out. You hit the genetic lottery, kid.”

Jude laughs and walks into the living room. He sits down on the couch and looks around for a moment, taking in the house he grew up in, Finally, he looks to Louis and says, “All of my friends think it’s pretty cool that I’m living with you.”

“Do they?” Louis laughs. “I didn’t realize I was so cool.”

Jude shakes his head at Louis and smiles. “Not like that, I mean they all know who my dad is, and One Direction is obviously still really big but-they all think it’s cool the way you stick by me even though we’re not, like, related or anything.”

“Family isn’t just blood, Jude, you know that.”

“I know, you taught me that,” Jude says quickly. “I guess I’m just trying to say thank you. I never really realized how much you’ve sacrificed for me, and fought for me, and all the other things you do for me until other people pointed out how rare that sort of thing is.”

Louis sighs and sits down on the couch beside him. It’s like a time capsule in this house, everything is just as Louis remembers it being years ago. The couch is the same ratty plaid thing Chloe insisted on buying from a charity shop. All of her afghans are folded neatly in a basket beside the fireplace, no doubt by some poor maid forced to take care of this place that no one visits. On the mantel and around the house are picture frames chronicling Jude’s life until his seventh birthday, when they abruptly stop. When Louis looks around, he can practically see every memory that was made in this house playing out in front of him like a movie.

“You don’t have to thank me for anything,” Louis says to him, finally. “I love you Jude, I always have. I’d do anything for you kid, anything to make sure that you’re safe and happy and taken care of. You don’t need to thank me for that.”

Jude smiles at Louis and hugs him. “I know,” he sighs. “But sometimes I think you deserve to hear it.”

Louis smiles back and ruffle the boy’s hair, wondering how on earth Jude managed to stay so sweet despite all the awful things that have happened to him. It reminds Louis so much of Harry that it almost scares him.

“I’m gonna go upstairs and see if my stuff is still here,” Jude says, hopping up to his feet.

“Go on,” Louis says. “I’m going to see if your father keeps any food stashed here.”

Jude nods and disappears up the stairs, calling out for George to follow him. Louis smiles at the way the dog is quick to obey, careening across the house in search of his favorite boy. He leaves the two of them to explore the house and walks to the kitchen, the door squeaking as it swings on its hinges.

The nostalgia hits him in waves; the chipped mugs, the awful fruit patterned wallpaper, the sun bleached yellow curtains framing the window. For a moment, Louis can hear the sound of laughter from the back garden during one of Harry and Chloe’s barbecues, can look out the window and see Jude playing tag with Harry, Liam, and Niall. He quickly shakes himself out of it.

As he expected, the cupboards and fridge are completely empty. Louis sighs and leans back against the counter, pulling his phone out so he can set up an order for a grocery delivery. One second thought, he also sets up an order for takeaway, simply because he’s too tired to make anything tonight.

Just as he’s trying to decide whether or not ordering two weeks worth of food at once is a good idea, Anne calls.

“Hello, love,” Louis answers.

“Hello,” Anne chirps back. “How’s my boy doing?”

Louis laughs. “He’s currently in his old bedroom, I think he’s trying to dig out some of his old toys from the closet. How are you?”

“Alright. I’ve got some news, actually,” she says, pausing for a moment to let it sink in. “Harry is out of rehab today.”

Louis’ eyebrows shoot up. He shakes his head. “Are you serious?”

“Yes, he’s doing really well actually. He’s going to be attending some meetings and have someone to talk to and help him now that he’s out,” she says, sounding proud. “And I thought that since you and Jude are free for the next two weeks, it would be a great opportunity for you all to talk things out.”

Louis groans. “Anne-”

“I think you, Harry, and Jude need to spend some time together!” Anne says quickly. “You all have things that need to be worked out, and what better place to do it then there? He’s on his way now, he should be there late tonight.”

“God,” Louis mutters, reaching up to rub at his forehead. If he didn’t love Anne so much, he would probably be pretty upset right now, but he can see what she’s trying to do. As much as he hates it, he understands. “Fine. It’ll work out.”

“Of course it will,” she says, sounding more sure of that than Louis had. “And if it doesn’t, you just call me, okay? It’s going to be good for all of you, Louis, you’ll see.”

Louis sighs and nods though she can’t see him. “Yeah,” he agrees, reluctantly. “It’ll be good.”

 

* * *

 

 

After thinking it over, Louis decides not to tell Jude.

It’s mostly because he’s worried that Harry isn’t actually going to show up, that he’s going to take a detour to a party and head right off the rails all over again, just like he has every other time he’s gone to rehab. The last thing Louis wants to do is get the boy’s hopes up and watch them be crushed when Harry doesn’t show.

Louis is watching Netflix on his computer in the living room, bundled up in a blanket that smells like home and memories, when headlights shine into the windows. His heart starts beating rapidly as soon as he sees them, shocked by the fact that Harry’s actually here. George lifts his head from where he’s been resting on Louis’ feet and lets out one of those barks with his mouth closed. Louis smiles.

“You’re quite a good guard dog, y’know?” Louis says, reaching out to gently scratch behind the dog’s ears. George pants and seems to smile at Louis.

Outside, the car turns off and footsteps crunch across the gravel until finally, there’s a quiet knock on the door. Louis sighs and stands up, letting George run out in front of him.

Taking one last deep breath, Louis opens the door.

Harry stands under the orange light of the porch, hands stuffed into his pockets. He looks incredibly soft in his jumper and trackies, hair longer than it was when he left. The bags under his eyes are still there but seem lighter, and he doesn’t look as skinny as he was when he left. He looks healthy for the first time in years, and he looks incredibly sad.

“Well,” Louis says, once it becomes obvious Harry isn’t going to say anything. “It’s your house, so I guess I don’t have to invite you in.”

Harry nods and follows Louis inside, pausing at the doorway for a moment. He looks around just as Louis and Jude did.

“How long has it been?” Louis asks.

“Since the funeral,” Harry says, his voice raspy like he hasn’t spoken in a while, or like he’s been crying. Or both, Louis thinks. “I couldn’t get rid of it, Chloe loved it too much. There are too many memories to sell it off.”

Louis nods and sighs. “I’m going to make tea,” he decides. “George, go see Jude.”

George stops sniffing Harry and obeys, taking off up the stairs to where Jude is sleeping. Harry’s lips turn up just a bit, as if he might start smiling if he didn’t stop it.

“Do you want some?” Louis asks, just to be polite. It is Harry’s house, after all.

But Harry just shakes his head and turns away, walking into the living room without a sound. Louis nods to no one and goes to the kitchen alone. There, he fixes himself a cuppa with the kettle he’s bought, trying to stop his hands from shaking.

Once upon a time, Louis would have loved to see Harry better. He would have kissed him the moment he walked in the door, would have probably cried too if he allowed himself. Now, all he can do is try and keep cool, because it isn’t like that anymore. _They_ aren’t like that anymore.

It hurts, but it’s the truth, and Louis can’t deny it.

Louis walks into the living room with his tea in hand and stops when he sees what’s waiting for him. Harry’s started a fire and is sitting in front of it, knees to his chest, close enough that his toes are resting on the brick.

“You’ll burn yourself sitting that close,” Louis warns.

Harry shrugs. “I don’t care.”

Louis sighs and sits beside him. Harry is staring into the fire, blankly watching the fire slowly consume the logs. Louis looks into the fire as well before whispering, “How are you feeling? You look so much better.”

“I feel better,” Harry confirms, running a hand through his hair. “Withdrawals were bad, and I was pretty-pretty sick for a while. I don’t think I realized how bad off I was.”

Louis nods, though he hates the thought of Harry being that sick. “I’m glad you got help,” he says.

Harry nods back, but says nothing. They sit together in silence, closer than they’ve been in years. Louis has always gravitated to Harry, ever since they were kids. Even though they aren’t those same worry free children they once were, Louis still has the overwhelming urge to hold him, to lean against him and comfort himself as well as Harry.

Finally, because Louis can’t think of anything to say, he decides to change the subject.

“Jude’s an amazing kid,” he says softly, because Harry needs to know. “Did you know he wants to be a teacher?”

Harry smiles at that, a real smile, and shakes his head. “No, I had no idea. You wanted to be a teacher.”

“I did,” Louis laughs. That seems like a million years ago now. “Jude wants to be a music teacher. All of his teachers think he’s brilliant, he passed all of his exams with the highest grades in his class this year. He’s fucking brilliant Harry, you should be proud of him.”

Harry shakes his head, that smile gone as soon as it came. “ _You_ should be proud, Louis, you and mum. You’ve both had him more than I have in the past few years.”

“He’s so much like you,” Louis says, choosing to ignore Harry’s words. “When you were a teenager, I mean. He’s so wonderful, Harry, you need to just spend some time with him and see.  He writes music, just like you did, and he can basically play any instrument you set in front of him. The kid’s going to outshine all of us, and I can’t wait to see it happen.”

Harry sniffles a bit and wipes at his eyes. “He’ll never forgive me.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Louis replies. “Jude needs some time, Harry, that’s all. You need to spend time together and talk to one another. He just needs to know that you love him, Harry.”

That makes Harry laugh quietly for some reason. He wipes his tears away once more and smiles. “I think there’s only two people left I truly love, and they both hate me.”

Louis frowns. “He doesn’t hate you, and Anne doesn’t either.”

“Wasn’t talking about Mum,” Harry says with a sigh. “I meant you, Louis. I love you so much, I always have, but I’ve hurt you too much to ignore that anymore. It’s almost fitting, the two of you being the ones I need to prove myself to the most.”

Louis smiles. “Bit like a Greek tragedy,” he agrees. “Just with more sex, drugs, and rock and roll.”

Harry laughs, for real this time, and shakes his head. “God, Louis,” he mutters, smiling at Louis in that way that takes him back years. “I’ve missed you so badly. I talked about you a lot in therapy and stuff, I’m pretty sure everyone is sick of me. It’s supposed to be anonymous or whatever, but you should’ve seen their faces when they realized I was talking about being in love with _you_. That’s all I ever talked about, you and Jude. You’re all I have.”

Louis sighs and puts his mug down on the coffee table. He then stands and grabs himself a pillow and a couple of blankets. He throws them out on the floor and lays down on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Harry just watches him, eyes tracking Louis’ every movement.

“Do you remember,” Louis starts. “The very first night you kissed me?”

“Yes,” Harry replies instantly. “Of course I do. I was upset because you’d gone out with that stupid guy. He wasn’t good enough for you.”

Louis smiles and closes his eyes. “I don’t think you realize just how long I’ve loved you,” he says, quietly, almost as if it’s a secret. “That’s why I got drunk at your wedding, I don’t know if you remember that. I just couldn’t face the reality that I’d lost you for real.”

There’s a pause as Harry no doubt thinks back to that day. Louis tried very hard to hide just how drunk he really was, with some help from Liam. He managed to stumble through his best man speech alright, and everyone assumed he got teary eyed because his best friend was getting married, not because he was drinking himself through a heartbreak.

“You never said anything,” Harry says, sounding shocked.

“You were straight and in love with Chloe.”

Louis opens his eyes to find Harry shaking his head and frowning at him. “I don’t…I loved Chloe, I still do. She gave me Jude and she was my best friend for so long, but I wasn’t in love with her. I was young enough and inexperienced enough to believe that what was happening would make me fall in love with her, but it didn’t. And she didn’t deserve that, Louis. You need to know how much she appreciated you and how much you cared about her and Jude. She never blamed you for what happened between her and I.”

Louis winces. “Just makes me feel a bit shit,” he whispers. “I ruined her marriage.”

“There was hardly a marriage to ruin,” Harry jokes. “We never should’ve gotten married in the first place. It isn’t your fault that I was gay and tried to ignore it as best as I could.”

Sighing, Louis rubs at his eyes. “I want her to be proud,” he says. “I promised her I’d take care of you both.”

“What?”

 “I never told you that,” Louis mutters. “When we saw her at the hospital that day, she made me promise I’d take care of you both for her. It was an easy promise to make, Harry, you both mean everything to me.”

Beside him, Harry moves so he can look at Louis. He shakes his head at Louis’ obvious distress. “Oh, Lou,” he whispers.

Louis smiles to himself and shrugs. “I mean, I’ve failed with you, obviously, but Jude’s doing well so far. I love that kid, Harry, I don’t think you realize how much.”

“I think I might,” Harry says, reaching out to gently touch the blanket Louis is curled up in. “You’re keeping your promise, Lou, he’s safe with you and always will be. I’m just sad that it ever got to the point where I wasn’t there to take care of him too.”

“But you’re here now,” Louis says, hating the words even as he says them. “And you’re sober, and you can be what he needs.”

It hurts to say, Louis realizes, because he’s selfish and he doesn’t want Jude to leave. Not because he doesn’t want Harry and Jude to make up, Louis would never think that, but he just can’t imagine not having Jude around anymore. The past three months have been some of the best in Louis’ life, living with Jude has made Louis so happy, but he always knew it wouldn’t be forever. At some point, Jude has to go back to Harry.

At some point, Louis has to face reality.

Harry gently moves to lay down beside him, grabbing an extra pillow for himself. They’re suddenly face to face, separated by only inches, and Louis is so tempted to kiss him.

“I just hope that he’ll let me be what he needs,” Harry whispers.

Louis’ eyes stray to Harry’s lips for a moment before he realizes what he’s doing and quickly snaps them back up. They make eye contact and Louis hates how hurt Harry looks, hates to see those beautiful eyes of his so sad, even if Louis is still angry with him.

“I think he will,” Louis whispers, speaking for himself as well as Jude all at once. “You just have to prove that you’re willing to try. Prove that this time is going to be different, Harry.”

Harry nods. “I promise, I will,” he whispers. His eyes then begin to drift closed slowly, and he sighs. “I’m too tired to get up.”

“Go to sleep then,” Louis says. “I’ll get you up when I get up, yeah?”

“Okay,” Harry murmurs, already sounding half asleep. “Goodnight, Lou.”

Louis smiles and lets himself reach out and gently rest his hand over Harry’s. “Goodnight, Harry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I upped the chapter count again, because nothing I write can ever just be simple!! ;)
> 
> Thanks for all of the comments and kudos, I hope you enjoyed this chapter xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, another slow realization that the short fic I wanted to write is not going to end anytime soon. Oh well, I'm having a bit of fun with all this angst. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_May, 2009_

“I’m too big to be held,” Jude whispers.

Louis sighs, carefully straightening Jude’s bow tie. He looks like a little grown up in his suit, and Louis hates it. He hates how much Jude has had to grow up in the past few weeks.

“I know love,” he says. “But if you want me to, I’m right here okay? I promise, I’ll be right here no matter what, I always will be.”

Jude nods. Louis moves to stand back up, but stops when Jude reaches out to tug on his jacket. “I miss Mummy,” he says, his voice cracking. “Lou, I really don’t like this.”

Over the past few weeks, Louis has grown quite accustomed to crying-he’s never seen Harry this distraught in his life, but he’s becoming numb to it. What he could never become numb to is the way Jude’s lower lip wobbles and his eyes fill with tears. Louis hugs him tight, wishing he could fix everything for him.

“I know darling,” he whispers. “I know you miss her, we all do. It’s going to be okay, though. Your daddy loves you so much, Jude, you can’t even imagine. You’re both going to be okay.”

Jude sniffles, resting his head on Louis’ shoulder. “And you love me too?” He asks quietly.

“I do,” Louis promises. “I love you too, always.”

They pull away from one another and Jude wipes at his eyes with his fist. He looks at Louis for a moment, thoughtfully, before saying, “Lou…sometimes I…”

Louis frowns as the boy trails off. He reaches up and gently pushes the boy’s curls over his ear. “Sometimes what, darling?”

Jude shrugs, his cheeks going red as if he’s embarrassed. “Sometimes I wish Daddy would marry you,” he whispers to Louis, like it’s a secret. “And you can be my dad too.”

If Louis wasn’t already heartbroken, that would do it. “Jude,” he sighs, trying to think of the best way to say what he needs to. “I…I don’t have to marry your dad to love you as much as I do, okay? And I don’t need to marry your dad to matter to you as much as I do. I love you so much, Jude, nothing could ever change that.”

Apparently, that’s good enough for now. Jude smiles just a bit and lifts his hand up, sticking his pinkie out. “Promise?”

Louis grins and wraps their pinkies together, pulling tightly. “Promise,” he confirms.

Jude pulls their pinkies apart and hugs Louis again, holding him tight around the neck. “Louis?”

“Yeah, love?”

“You can hold me,” Jude whispers. “But only if you wanna.”

Louis smiles and picks the boy up with no hesitation. “Okay, lad,” he says, carrying him out of the room. “But only if you promise to hold on too.”

 

* * *

 

Louis is sitting on his couch when he hears his door being unlocked. He lifts himself up quickly, expecting it to be Harry finally coming back again. No one has seen him since yesterday night, after the funeral. He told Louis he’d meet him at Louis’ flat, but he never did. Louis has never been so worried about him and his heart races as the door opens to reveal Harry-but he isn’t alone.

Some guy Louis has never seen before in his life is there too, kissing Harry’s neck and pushing him up against the doorway. Louis doesn’t think, just acts.

“What the fuck!” The guy shouts as Louis shoves him off of Harry and out into the hall.

“Get the fuck out of my flat,” Louis growls. “Leave.”

Harry groans and rolls his eyes. “Lou, c’mon. I thought we could have fun-”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Louis practically screams. The man Harry’s brought looks at both of them as if they’re crazy before fleeing. Louis pulls Harry into the flat by his shirt and shoves him up against the wall.

It’s suddenly blatantly obvious that Harry is high. He’s smiling in that stupid way he has that would usually make Louis smile right back. Right now, it only serves to fill Louis with unbridled anger.

“Louis, what are you doing?” Harry asks.

“What am _I_ doing?” Louis demands. “What are _you_ doing, Harry. Where the fuck have you been? Jude needed you, Harry, I needed you-and now you show up with some guy after ignoring me for two days, stoned out of your fucking mind on god knows what. Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?”

Harry rolls his eyes and reaches out to grab Louis’ wrists. “You always overreact to this shit,” he mutters. “It isn’t that serious-”

Louis wrenches his arms away and pushes him, hard. For a moment, Harry looks almost surprised by this. His expression teeters for just a moment on normal, like maybe he isn’t spaced out and barely understanding what he’s saying, but it’s over just as quickly.

“Did you just fucking push me?” Harry growls, obviously trying to be intimidating.

Louis rolls his eyes. “Fuck off. I can’t believe you’d say that, it’s not that serious,” he says. “Leave. We can talk when you’re sober and realize how badly you’ve fucked up.”

“Fine,” Harry says, looking around the flat. “Where’s Jude?”

“You aren’t taking him anywhere, Harry, not when you’re like this. You can get him tomorrow.”

Harry’s eyes flash and he steps forward, trying to make himself seem bigger, more intimidating. “You are not his father, Louis,” he spits. “And no matter what you do, you never will be. I know that you’re obsessed with me and that the closest you’ll ever get is him-but it’ll never change anything. That is _my_ son, and you are nothing to him.”

For a moment Louis can do nothing but stare. His chest suddenly feels tight and the room too small and tears are stinging at his eyes. Louis won’t give Harry that satisfaction, though. As badly as those words hurt, he isn’t going to let Harry know that.

“Fine,” Louis whispers. “I may not be his father, but I am not letting him go with you tonight. He just lost his mother, Harry, he is not getting into a car with you high. I don’t have to be his father to realize that’s a terrible idea.”

Luckily, Harry seems to either come to his senses just a bit, or stop caring. “Whatever, ir doesn’t matter anyway,” he mutters, pushing past Louis. “I’m leaving.”

“Good,” Louis breathes.

Harry snorts and gives Louis an awkward little wave before leaving, messing about with his phone as he goes. Maybe he’ll call that stupid guy back, Louis thinks. He slams the door behind Harry’s retreating back and breathes for just a moment, putting his hand over his mouth to muffle the sob he lets out.

It takes him only fifteen minutes to decide what to do and finish packing. He then gently wakes Jude, shaking his shoulder as gently as he can.

“Love,” he whispers. “Jude, wake up darling.”

Jude hums. “Dad?” he mutters.

For some reason, that hurts more than anything Harry could ever say to him. Louis shakes his head. “No, babe,” he croaks out. “It’s me, Louis. Let’s go darling, we’re going on a little trip.”

Jude turns over and pouts at Louis, rubbing his sleepy eyes. “Where?”

“We’re going to visit your grandma for a bit,” Louis replies, gently brushing the boy’s curls over his eyes. “How does that sound?”

Jude smiles at that and nods. “Sounds good,” he agrees.

“It’ll be our little adventure,” Louis says, reaching out to pick Jude up. “Just you and me, lad.”

Jude squeezes a hug around Louis’ shoulders and closes his eyes again. He breathes out a soft, sleepy sigh and bunches Louis’ shirt up in his hands to hold on tight. “Just you ’n me,” he whispers.

 

* * *

 

_July, 2016_

Louis is woken by the sound of hushed voices bickering.

“You need to leave him alone,” Jude’s whispering from somewhere in the house. “You’ve hurt him enough.”

“Jude, you don’t understand-”

“I understand enough,” Jude shoots back. “And you did hurt him, even if you don’t want to admit that. I don’t want that to happen again, Louis is important to me.”

Harry sighs, sounding resigned. “He’s important to me too, love.”

“Then you should care enough to stay away,” Jude replies. “Let him move on.”

Louis groans and stretches out to let them know he’s awake. Jude stops talking abruptly. Louis opens his eyes to find George staring right at him, nose to nose.

“George,” he moans. “Jude, come get your dog!”

“He’s your dog,” Jude laughs, appearing over Louis with a big smile. “Georgie, leave Lou alone!”

George sniffs one last time before jumping away, barking at Jude and hopping around like he wants to play. Louis rolls his eyes.

“He’s your dog,” he says, watching as Jude dangles a squeaky toy over the dog’s head. “I swear, I’m going to send him off to a farm one of these days.”

Jude pouts. “You wouldn’t,” he says, tossing the toy across the room. George barks and lunges for it, just about taking Harry out as he trips and slides across the floor. Jude laughs and Louis swears Harry smiles, just a bit.

The ache in Louis’ back becomes too much and he tries to slowly sit up. “Jesus,” he mutters as his body makes an ungodly cracking sound. “I think I’ve broken something. Whose idea was it to sleep on the floor, Harold? I’m too old to be doing shit like that.”

“You aren’t old,” Jude and Harry say at the same time. Jude immediately turns to scowl at his father, before fleeing the room.

Louis smiles and shakes his head. “So, turns out teenage girls are not the only dramatic ones. I don’t remember ever being that angry with the world, but I’m sure I was.” he says to Harry, looking from the mess of blankets surrounding him to the burnt logs in the fireplace. He wonders if Harry really slept her all night beside him, but quickly pushes that thought away.

Harry lets out a loud sigh and walks over to Louis, carefully picking the blankets up one by one and folding them with neat corners. “He’s angry with me, not the world,” he says, pretending to be very focused on his exact creases.

Louis stands, rubbing his aching back as he does. Harry gives him a sympathetic look, which quickly phases back into the sad frown he’s been wearing since he arrived last night. It’s starting to feel a bit old, that self-pitying look, Louis thinks.

“Where’s he gone?” Louis asks.

Without saying a word, Harry points off to the kitchen. Louis nods and leaves Harry to his folding. Letting him wallow a bit is probably a good course of action, Louis thinks. Maybe it’ll make him understand the hurt the rest of them have been enduring lately.

Inside the kitchen, Jude is making tea as angrily as someone could do such a thing. He’s all angry furrowed eyebrows and quick movements, and it makes Louis smile. Sometimes the boy reminds him so much of Harry, too much, but that is all Chloe. The barely contained anger like a fire in his soul, so fiercely set in his beliefs, it’s all reminiscent of his mother.

“Careful love,” Louis says, leaning against the counter beside him. “You’re going to crack those mugs in half, throwing them around like that.”

Jude looks down at the two mugs in his fisted hands and slowly let’s go. “Sorry,” he mutters, sounding not at all remorseful.

Louis smiles softly, watching as he reaches into the cupboards for the tea. “Are you not making any for your father? The true test of forgiveness.”

Jude sighs and gives Louis a look. “I’m allowed to be angry.”

“You are allowed to be angry, love, you’re right,” Louis agrees. “But I think you need to at least consider giving him a chance to explain himself. I also think you need to stop worrying so much about me and my feelings.”

Beside him, Jude shakes his head like there’s something Louis just isn’t understanding. He doesn’t say anything though, just finishes making their tea once the kettle clicks. Once finished, he pushes Louis’ mug across the counter to him and throws himself at Louis.

“Oh, love,” Louis sighs, hugging Jude back. “I’m sorry, really. It was your grandma’s idea, and she only told me last night. I’m sorry if it feels like an ambush, I promise that’s not what I meant to do. This is all Anne’s fault.”

Jude laughs softly. “You can’t blame everything on Grandma, Lou.”

Louis hums and shrugs his shoulders. “Could do,” he says thoughtfully. “She’s impossible to be angry with.”

“She is,” Jude agrees.

Louis laughs and they pull away from one another. Jude hops up onto the counter and takes his tea in his hands, holding it in his lap while looking outside. George is out there, running wild around the massive field behind the house, being his ridiculous self.

“Hey,” Louis says, reaching out to gently squeeze the boy’s knee and get his attention. “Listen to me, okay?”

Jude nods. “I’m listening.”

“I think we need to give him a chance,” he says. “And trust me, I know how ridiculous this sounds coming from me, but Harry deserves a chance to apologize and make amends. I’m trying too love, because I know there are-there are things your father and I need to talk about too. It’s going to be hard, and I get that, but I try as hard as I can to know what’s good for you Jude. I think this will be good for you.”

Jude’s eyes soften at Louis’ words. He takes a deep breath, and nods. “Okay,” he says. “I’ll try, I promise.”

“Good lad,” Louis says with a smile. “You okay?”

“I’m okay,” he confirms. “Thanks for always being on my side, Lou.”

Louis laughs and reaches out to ruffle the boy’s curls. Jude ducks away but is still smiling when he lifts his head again.

“Always,” Louis promises. “I’ll always be on your side, even when no one else is.”

 

* * *

 

The three of them are sitting so quietly Louis can hear the clock on the wall ticking.

After a quick breakfast and a single hour of civility, the two Styles boys are right back to staring at one another from across the room when they think the other isn’t looking. Jude sits in a rocking chair, one leg pulled up to this chin, the other resting on George who is sleeping on the floor in front of him. Across from him is Harry on the sofa, staring very deliberately at his lap.

Louis is left on the love seat, watching the two of them ignore one another. It’s a bit impressive how stubborn they both are.

“Well,” he says piercing the silence so quickly that it even startles George. “This is productive.”

That seems to flip a switch somewhere, because Jude immediately scowls at Harry. “I’m not going back with you,” he says, voice cold.

“Jesus Christ,” Louis mutters.

Harry looks up from his lap, finally, and frowns. “Jude, I’m your father-”

“You can say that all you want, but I’m not going anywhere with you,” Jude snaps back at him. “I’m staying with Louis, because he’s the only one here that really cares about me.”

Harry opens his mouth to say something but Louis interrupts him. “Jude, stop. You’ll go with Harry if that’s what he tells you to do.”

Jude looks betrayed, shocked by the idea that Louis might agree with Harry. Granted, it even shocks Louis a little bit. “But, Lou-” he starts.

“No,” Louis says. “Harry’s right, he’s your father, you should go home with him.”

“I want to stay with you!” Jude shoots back. “I’ll move out when I’m sixteen, anyway, I’m not staying anywhere with _him_.”

Harry winces when Jude says it, almost like he’s been struck. For one brief moment, Louis thinks he deserves it; he deserves a front row seat to how he’s destroyed his relationship with his son. It’s terrible of him to think, Louis realizes, and it’s wrong that the fight they’re having is over him, of all things. With that, Louis gets to his feet.

“Right,” he says. “I’m going into town.”

Both Harry and Jude look to him with barely concealed panic. “What?” Harry asks.

Louis rolls his eyes. “I’ll be back,” he assures them. “I wouldn’t leave you forever, you’d kill each other. I need to make some calls, anyway.”

He leaves the two of them to head upstairs to where his suitcase is laying on the bed in the guest room. He’s slept in this room more times than he count, mostly after a breakup when he needed emotional support from his best friend and unrequited love. A bit masochistic and stupid of him, really, but Harry was always so good with that sort of thing.

When he returns, he finds them sitting in silence once again, staring at each other. Louis sighs. “You can either sit here doing nothing or talk it out,” he tells them. “Doesn’t matter to me-either way, I have to go.”

Jude frowns. “Who do you need to call?” he asks. “You’re supposed to be on vacation, you promised.”

“It’s not work, it’s Zayn,” Louis says, hopping on one foot to pull his shoes on. “He’s been texting nonstop, wants to talk it out. It’s different this time, you know.”

Harry frowns, obviously upset at not being in on the joke. “Who’s Zayn?”

Jude is quick to turn on him, flipping from laughing to scowling in an instant. “Louis’ boyfriend.”

“Ex-boyfriend, thanks,” Louis mutters, reaching for his car keys. “I’ll be back soon boys, do try not to kill one another.”

Across the room, Jude whispers something that sounds a lot like _No promises,_ which really shouldn’t be as funny to Louis as it is. He waves to the both of them and leaves, getting into his car and driving away with no real destination in mind.

The closest town is a half hour away, and it’s positively tiny. It’s cute though, Louis has always thought it was the sort of place he might like to live when he got older and had kids himself.

He picks a small coffee shop in town where the staff pays him no mind, and Louis loves it. There was a time once where he couldn’t leave his house without being hounded by people and paparazzi. To be able to go somewhere where no one knows him, where no one recognizes him behind his slowly growing scruffy beard and old hoodie, is gratifying.

After ordering himself a drink full of caffeine and chocolate, Louis takes a seat as far from everyone else as he can get and calls Zayn.

“Hello love,” Zayn answers happily. “Where are you? I stopped by your flat, but they said you’d gone. You aren’t ignoring me, are you?”

Louis rolls his eyes. “I’m with Jude,” he says, gently stirring his drink with a spoon. “We took a bit of a holiday.”

Zayn laughs softly. “Right,” he says. “I was wondering what happened there. Saw Harry’s in rehab again, eh?”

“Yeah,” Louis says, because he doesn’t want Zayn to have any more information than that. God knows that if he did, he’ll be telling his millions of followers and industry insiders within seconds.

“Why don’t you ditch the kid for a bit, come and see me?” Zayn drawls.

Louis laughs. “Sorry, _ditch the kid_? We’ve been through this, Zayn, it’s over. Whatever we had is done.”

“Louis, be serious,” Zayn groans. “You’re giving up happiness for some kid who isn’t even yours.”

“I’m happy,” Louis says. “Jude makes me happy. You don’t, trust me, especially when you say shit like this. Fuck off. He’s never going to come second to anyone, certainly not you.”

Zayn says nothing for a bit, and Louis is almost certain he’s hung up when he finally says, “Fine, whatever Louis. It isn’t worth it anyway. You weren’t even that good a lay.”

Louis barks out a laugh so loud it startles everyone else in the cafe. “If I wasn’t that good a lay,” he hisses into the phone. “Then I doubt you’d be calling me right now, darling. Goodbye, Zayn.”

With that, Louis hangs up and takes a large sip of his drink. This holiday is starting to become more and more stressful by the moment.

After spending far too long in the café-wallowing in self-pity, drinking too much caffeine, and doing just a bit of work while Jude isn’t around to see-Louis heads back to the house. He’s pleasantly surprised to see it’s still standing when he arrives, as he half expected it to be on the ground in ashes in the face of the amount of anger, but his hope is soon squashed.

Louis opens the door to silence. Harry is the only one in the living room now, silently crying on the couch and staring at nothing. George is resting in his lap, having apparently given up his favorite boy for this brand new one. It’s hard to resist them, Louis gets it.

“I take it it didn’t go so well?” Louis asks softly,

Harry looks up, almost shocked to see Louis there. He wipes quickly at his eyes, as if that could somehow erase how obviously distraught he is. “We talked,” he says. “He really loves you, Louis, do you know that? I’m jealous.”

“Harry,” Louis says softly, his heart aching at the words.

Harry quickly shakes his head. “No, it isn’t your fault,” he says. “You stepped up, you deserve that. I wish it wasn’t that way-but at the same time I don’t. Does that make sense?”

“Not really, no,” Louis admits. He carefully takes his shoes off at the door and walks into the living room, gently moving George so he can sit on the other end of the couch.

Sighing, Harry reaches out and gently scratches the dog behind the ear. George pants, looking like he’s smiling, and moves to rest his head on Harry’s chest. “I’m glad he has you,” Harry says, focusing on the dog instead of Louis. “And I know that no matter what happened, he would have you I just…I wish he trusted me like he trusts you. That he loved me the way he loves you. He stands up for you so fiercely, Louis, you should hear the way he talks about you.”

Louis laughs softly. “What’d he say?”

“That he wants to stay with you, that you support him with school and music and things like that,” Harry pauses for a moment and shrugs, finally lifting his eyes to meet Louis’. “Just how much he loves you, really, and all the things you’ve done for him since Chloe died. He did tell me he doesn’t like that boyfriend of yours, though.”

That shocks Louis a bit, as Jude never once told him he didn’t like Zayn. “He said that?”

“Yeah, he said he didn’t tell you,” Harry says, his lips turning up slightly at the sides in a ghost of a smile. “Said this guy seemed to make you happy, for a bit at least, so he didn’t want to say anything to you.”

Louis groans. “That kid, I swear,” he mutters. “Doesn’t matter anyway, we broke up months ago. He went off on this stupid backpacking trip to nowhere and just got back from finding himself for the tenth time.”

“Who is he? Would I know him?”

“No, probably not,” Louis says. “He’s a model, disgustingly pretty, shitty personality. Just my type.”

Harry does smile then. “What are you trying to say, Tomlinson?”

“Who says you were ever my type, Styles?” Louis laughs.

Harry shakes his head. “I was your type,” he says, sounding very sure of it. “Does he treat you well, this boyfriend of yours?”

“Ex, very much ex,” Louis is quick to say. “And no, he didn’t, but I didn’t treat him very well either. He actually just told me I wasn’t even a very good lay, which does hurt my overinflated ego a bit.”

Across the sofa, Harry’s cheeks tinge just a bit red. He flicks his eyes up to meet Louis’ and smiles that smile Louis hasn’t seen in years. “I really doubt that,” he says, softly.

“A vote of confidence from the one and only Harold Styles,” Louis laughs. “I’ll be sure to let Zayn know.”

Harry rolls his eyes. “Well, he’s an idiot, whoever he is. Anyone who would let you go is an absolute idiot.”

“Thanks, H,” Louis says. “I’m a bit of an idiot as well, though.”

“You aren’t,” Harry replies.

But he is, and Louis has come to terms with that. He’s spent over half his life head over heels in love with this man, knowing it would never work out. Louis knows that he needs to move on, he needs to actually _try_ when he dates instead of spending the entire time comparing them to Harry. He has always wanted to settle down and have kids, but he can’t.

He can’t because he wants Jude and Harry more than anything else. It’s unattainable, Louis knows this, and yet he can’t stop wanting it.

“I should make lunch,” Harry says suddenly, jumping to his feet and practically knocking George over.

With that, Harry quickly leaves the room and Louis is left alone again. But it’s not like he isn’t used to it.

 

* * *

 

Jude refuses to come out of his room for most of the day, obviously still upset over his argument with Harry. Louis decides he probably needs some time alone and goes outside, heading for the old shed out back. It takes some effort, but Louis manages to pry the door open. Sure enough, inside are all of Jude’s old toys, including a few footballs.

They aren’t exactly in the best condition, but Louis decides they’ll do. He finds a comfort in the rhythmic noise of the football hitting the fence he’s kicking them against, rolling back to his feet every time. It gives him time to think about nothing, something he desperately needs lately. He’s so worried with thinking about nothing, that he doesn’t notice he’s rolled his foot over the ball all wrong until he’s falling backwards.

Louis squeezes his eyes shut, prepared to smack against the hard ground, but that isn’t what happens. Instead, a pair of strong arms come out of nowhere to catch him. Louis gasps, flailing around a bit in an attempt to get back upright.

“Lou,” Harry whispers in his ear, sending shivers down his spine. “I’ve got you, you’re okay.”

“Fuck,” Louis swears, practically throwing himself out of Harry’s arms and back up again. He whirls on the other man and frowns when he sees him standing there all effortlessly handsome. “Where did you come from?”

Harry shrugs, shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt. “I was coming out here to talk to you. You’ve been out here for a long time, I wanted to make sure you were okay. Are you hurt?”

Louis looks down at his foot and rolls his ankle a bit, shaking his head when there’s no pain. “I’m okay. Thank you for catching me.”

“Always,” Harry replies automatically.

Deciding to ignore that comment, Louis kicks the ball closest to him away before he trips again. He rubs a hand through his sweaty hair, his shirt riding up just a bit. He doesn’t miss the way Harry’s eyes trace his every movement.

“You um,” Louis says, a bit too loudly. “You wanted to talk to me?”

“Yeah I…” Harry trails off for a moment and sighs. “God, Lou, you still do it to me, you know that? Even after all this time.”

Louis frowns and crosses his arms over his chest. “What am I doing?”

“You don’t-you don’t understand what you do to me, Louis,” Harry says, his voice sounding strained. “You’re just so effortlessly everything I’ve ever wanted, and you don’t even know. It’s insane just how badly I still want you.”

Louis shakes his head. “Don’t do this to me,” he says. “Don’t start this again, blaming me for things I can’t control. You never took responsibility for your own feelings, Harry, and I let you do it. I’m not going back to that again.”

Harry looks hurt and immediately steps forward, reaching out for him. “Louis-”

“No,” Louis says, pulling away immediately. “I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”

The words seem to strike him. “Louis,” Harry whispers. “God, I never meant to hurt you.”

“But you did!” Louis shoots back, his heart picking up as he starts talking faster and faster. “You can say you didn’t mean to all you want, but you did. I can’t even explain how badly you hurt me. Two days, Harry, it only took you _two days_ for you to leave me for drugs and other people and I know we weren’t official, I know that, but it never felt that way. You can’t sit here and tell me it ever felt like we weren’t that way. And then you show up and you try to leave with Jude like that, so soon after losing Chloe and I just…I’ve never felt so betrayed by you, Harry.”

Harry reaches out again, but this time Louis lets him. It’s been so long since he allowed himself to be wrapped up in Harry’s arms, since he allowed himself to just relax into his hold and hug him back. Louis has missed him so badly.

“And I said those awful things to you,” Harry whispers. “Louis…god. I can’t believe I ever treated you so badly.”

“But you were right,” Louis says softly. “I’m not Jude’s father, and no matter what I do, I never will be. He’s your son.”

Harry sighs and squeezes Louis tight, refusing to let him go. “Louis, you are so important to him. You inspire him to be the best he can be because he wants to make you proud, and I know what that feels like because I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to love you that much. What I said to you, saying you were only close to Jude to get to me, was awful. Nothing I can say will ever be able to make up for that, Louis, but I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Louis closes his eyes and lets himself just be held. As much as he’d hate to admit it, Louis has missed this. Nothing compares to this feeling.

“Baby,” Harry whispers, and Louis starts to cry. “Please, I’m sorry. I want to fix this.”

“What do you want?” Louis whispers.

Harry pulls away gently, just enough to face him. “You,” he says quietly. “Louis, all I’ve ever wanted was you. Just tell me what I need to do to, and I’ll do it.”

Louis looks down at his feet, for a moment, and then takes a step back. Once out of his arms, Louis gathers up enough strength to face Harry’s distraught expression. Louis takes a deep breath.

“I need some time to think,” he says. “I’m sorry.”

With that, Louis turns and leaves Harry standing there, just as alone as he left Louis all those years ago.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter so far!! I'm really enjoying writing this story, it's probably the most fun I've had writing in a long time. I glad you all seem to be enjoying it too. :) 
> 
> As always thank you for all of your comments, kudos, and support. I hope you like the new chapter, the next one should be up soon! Enjoy xx
> 
> p.s. I wanted to mention that Niall's absence from the story thus far is completely intentional and will be explained soon. I promise I didn't just tag him and forget about my poor little Neil ;)

_February, 1999_

“Babe,” Louis laughs. “Cut it out.”

Aiden laughs against Louis’ neck and reluctantly pulls back, taking a moment to admire his work. Louis rolls his eyes. If his step-dad catches sight of the love bites currently mottled over the column of his throat, he'll throw a fit. Louis is already on thin ice at home, he can't risk that. He’ll have to have Gemma cover them up for him.

“Why are we even here?” Aiden asks as they approach Harry’s house. “It’s probably just going to be a bunch of kids sitting around playing spin the bottle.”

“Hey,” Louis says with a frown. “Stop it, I’m serious. If you can’t be civil then you can leave and I’ll just go in alone. Harry’s my best friend, Aiden.”

His boyfriend groans, throwing his head back dramatically as if what Louis is requesting is ridiculous. “I know, Lou, fine,” Aiden says. “I’ll be good, I promise. If I’m not, you could always punish me.”

“Fuck off,” Louis laughs, pushing him away so he can open the door.

There are a lot more people here than Louis expected. Harry’s house is pumping with music and laughter, and once Louis’ eyes adjust to the darkness inside, he can see there are people crammed into just about every corner. Gemma stands at the far end of the room, chaperoning at Harry’s insistence, allowing for his mum to leave them for most of the night.

“Louis!” Gemma says with a sigh of relief. Louis drags Aiden over to her by his hand and allows himself to be pulled into a big hug. “Thank god. Harry’s been pouting, he thought you weren’t coming.”

Louis laughs but startles a bit when he feels Aiden’s hands creeping over his waist a bit possessively. He turns to find Aiden frowning at him, fingertips digging into his skin, and laughs.

“What?” Aiden asks.

Louis shakes his head. “You don’t have to be jealous of Harry,” he says, and it’s certainly not the first time they’ve had this conversation. “He’s my best friend.”

Aiden just nods. “I know,” he mutters.

Gemma laughs a little too hard at them, but doesn’t say anything when Louis turns to scowl at her. She just winks at Louis and busies herself popping the cap off a beer bottle. Louis is ready to demand she wipe that little knowing smirk off her face when he hears a loud gasp from across the room.

“Louis!”

He turns just in time to catch Harry in his arms, practically tearing himself away from Aiden’s grasp.

“Babe,” he laughs against Harry’s neck. “You almost knocked me over. Happy Birthday, love.”

Harry hugs Louis’ tight, leaning his head against Louis’ sternum and sighing happily. “I thought you forgot me,” he says. “You took forever and ever.”

“I was just here this morning, kid,” Louis reminds him. “We got a little caught up, that’s all.”

That makes Harry pull away and frown. “We?”

Aiden moves to stand beside Louis and smiles. “Hello, Harry.”

Unfortunately, Harry’s reaction is nowhere near as civil. He gives Aiden a once over, looking him up and down with furrowed eyebrows, and scowls. “What are you doing here?”

Louis barks out a loud laugh, ignoring how Aiden’s expression immediately turns stormy. “Harry,” he chides, gently pushing the boy’s sweaty curls over his forehead. “Don’t be rude. How many drinks have you had? Who got my boy drunk?”

From nearby, Louis hears a loud chuckle and, “Wey hey!”

Louis groans and Harry bursts into giggles. “Niall’s my new best friend,” he says, gently patting Louis’ chest. “Because you left me for _him_. Mean. Meanie Louis.”

Aiden groans and shakes his head. “He’s wasted, Lou, why can’t we just leave? He’ll never remember if you were here or not anyway.”

“I don’t like you,” Harry says to him, petulantly, and Louis is starting to realize bringing Aiden wasn’t such a good idea. “And I think your hair is stupid!”

“All right, love,” Louis announces, moving Harry so he’s under his arm and it’s easier to direct him towards a couch. “Let’s sit down, you need to sober up a bit. Gems, do you have some water?”

Gemma nods and leaves the room quickly. Aiden sighs and sits down on the couch beside Louis. Harry frowns at this and falls down into Louis’ lap, snuggling up against Louis’ neck.

“I love you, Louis,” Harry mutters.

Louis rolls his eyes but still smiles at the way Harry beams up at him. “I love you too, kid. Are you having a good birthday?”

“Mhm. Thank you for my present.”

Louis smiles and kisses Harry’s forehead, just to make him drunkenly giggle. “You’re welcome, love. You better play me something on it, yeah?”

Aiden frowns at him, moving slightly closer and pressing his thumb to Louis’ thigh. “What you’d get him?”

“A keyboard,” Louis says, absentmindedly raking his fingers through Harry’s curls. “He’s been stuck playing on this old thing for the longest time.”

“That must’ve been expensive,” Aiden mutters.

Louis shrugs, because it was, but it was worth it. The look on Harry’s face this morning when he opened his eyes to find Louis in his room, a brand new keyboard in one corner with a giant red bow on top, was priceless. It’s the first big thing Louis has ever bought, and he doesn’t regret it even a bit.

“I’ve been saving,” Louis says. “I wanted to give it to him for Christmas, but it’s better late than never.”

Harry smiles at him, eyes sparkling with pride. “I love it,” he says for the millionth time today.

Gemma appears at the side of the couch and hands a cold water bottle off to Louis. She looks at her brother and rolls her eyes fondly. “You’re such a lightweight, Harold,” she chides.

“Gems, make Louis’ boyfriend go away,” Harry moans to her. “He doesn’t like me and I don’t like his stupid hair.”

Of course, Gemma finds this hilarious. Louis reaches out to try and hit her but she dodges it. He rolls his eyes and looks back to Harry, who is wiggling his eyebrows up and down at Aiden like a challenge of some sort.

“Aiden likes you just fine,” Louis says to him. “I think you’ve had far too much to drink.”

Harry groans and lays back, resting his head on Louis’ shoulder. “I only had, like, one or two or three.”

“One or two or three,” Louis repeats with a smile. “Drink some water, love, so you can get back to your party.”

Harry does as he’s told and carefully takes the bottle from Louis’ hands. He drinks the water slowly while Louis continues brushing his fingers through the boy’s hair. A habit, Louis tells himself, that’s all it is.

“Thanks Lou,” Harry says. “I’m gonna go say hi to people, wait for me!”

“Okay, kid,” Louis agrees.

With one loud, smacking kiss to Louis’ forehead, Harry not so nimbly scrambles out of his lap and across the room to ambush Liam.

“That’s tragic,” Aiden mutters.

Louis frowns at his comment and turns to meet his eyes. “What’s tragic?”

“How in love he is with you,” Aiden says, like there’s any truth to that. “I’m starting to get a bit jealous, actually.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “It’s Harry,” he says, his heart rabbiting in his chest. “It isn’t like that.”

“Good,” Aiden whispers, his hand slowly inching up Louis’ thigh. “Because I quite like it that way. Come here, baby.”

Louis rolls his eyes but does as he’s told. Aiden pushes back against him and before Louis realizes what’s going on, they’re making out on Harry’s mum’s couch in the middle of a party. Louis feels breathless at the thought. He’s barely out to his friends and family, let alone all of these people he hardly knows. Luckily, though, everyone seems a bit too drunk or too preoccupied to care that he’s writhing and moaning in the middle of the party under another boy.

Except for Harry, that is.

“Hey!” Harry shouts, standing in front of the couch and scowling at them. “There’s no kissing at my party, no kissing Louis at my party!”

Aiden pulls away from Louis and fixes Harry with a withering glare. “Listen, _kid_ ,” he says, and it sound so demeaning coming from him. “Louis is my boyfriend, not yours. I know that might be hard for you to understand, but he is mine and not yours. Got that?”

“Hey,” Louis snaps. “Leave him alone, there’s no reason to be rude to him. You’re acting like an arse.”

Aiden rolls his eyes. “Louis, just shut up.”

Harry’s eyes flash and he shoves Aiden away from Louis by his shoulders. “Fuck off,” he says coldly. “Don’t _ever_ talk to him that way, asshole.”

Aiden stands up, immediately towering over Harry who Louis pulls back by his shirt. “You know what? I’m done with this,” he says, looking back to Louis. “I’m done having to watch my every step because of him, Louis, so it’s me or Harry.”

The words make Louis’ world stand still for a moment. “What?” he breathes.

“It’s either me or Harry,” Aiden repeats. “You need to choose because I’m sick of coming second to you.”

Louis shakes his head, unable to think. “Stop being ridiculous,” he stutters out. “We can talk about this later, now isn’t the time.”

Aiden scoffs. “Yeah, that’s answer enough for me. I’ll see you around, Louis.”

With that, Aiden turns and storms out of the house in a huff. Harry watches him go, still scowling in anger, and Louis stands up beside him. He supposes he should be sad, and yet he can only feel numb.

“Louis?” Harry whispers.

“I think I need a minute,” Louis says. With that, he leaves the room and flees upstairs to Harry’s room.

The keyboard is still sat in one corner, red bow still on because Harry thought it was cute. Louis lays down on Harry’s bed and closes his eyes, pulling a pillow to his chest and breathing in. It smells like Harry here, like the cologne he always uses too much of, his fruity shampoo, and boy. It smells like home.

It hurts, Louis thinks, being in love with your best friend. It hurts even more knowing that Harry would never love him back, at least not in the way Louis wants so badly. The worst part of it all is that Louis can’t stay away, as hard as he tries. Harry is his best friend, that will never change.

Minutes later, the door creaks open and soft footsteps pad across the carpet to him. “Louis?” Harry whispers, his voice cracking. “Lou, are you okay?”

Louis sighs and nods his head. “Go back to your party, Haz.”

Harry doesn’t say anything, but Louis can feel him laying down beside him. He reaches for the pillow Louis is crushing to his face and pulls it away, frowning at him. His beautiful eyes are teary, and Louis hates that Harry is crying on his birthday over something so stupid.

“I’m sorry Lou,” Harry whispers. “I didn’t mean to make him mad, I really didn’t-”

Louis shakes his head and reaches out to brush Harry’s curls away from his face. “Babe, don’t worry about it,” he whispers. “Aiden’s a dick anyway.”

“Has he been a dick to you?” Harry asks, looking angry again.

Louis smiles at his fierce protectiveness. “No, Harry,” he whispers. “I’m okay, I promise.  I’m sorry I ruined your birthday.”

Harry shakes his head and moves closer to Louis, resting his head against Louis’ chest. “You could never ruin my birthday,” he whispers. “You’re my favorite person, Lou. I thought you weren’t gonna come. I know you and Aiden have been like, hanging out a lot lately.”

“Hey,” Louis whispers. “Hazza, no. You’ll always be my favorite boy, always. I’d never miss your birthday, how many has it been now?”

Tilting his head up, Harry smiles at him and Louis’ heart stutters. “Today makes eight,” he says.

Louis laughs and nods. “I love you H, you know that? You’re my best friend.”

“You’re my best friend,” Harry replies. “Come back down with me, I have a cake and everything. I’m gonna blow out my candles and make a wish.”

“What are you going to wish for?”

“I can’t tell you!” Harry gasps. “It won’t come true.”

Louis hums and shrugs. “I think that’s only true for after you blow them out, babe, but whatever you say.”

That’s all it takes for Harry to give in. “Okay,” he groans, all slurred words and pink cheeks. Louis is so in love with him. “I’m gonna wish that we’ll be the biggest band, like, ever.”

“Like ever?” Louis teases.

“Uh huh, bigger than anything. You’re brilliant, Lou, your songs are brilliant. You’ll see, someday everyone is gonna be singing your songs.”

Louis smiles. “I think you have more faith in me than anyone else I know.”

“Because you’re the best, you’re brilliant,” Harry says, frowning slightly. “Say it, Lou, say you’re brilliant.”

Groaning, Louis sits up and gently knocks Harry off of his chest. “C’mon love, before Niall blows all of your candles out for you.”

Louis stands up just as Harry jumps onto his back, wrapping his legs around Louis’ waists and arms around his neck. “Say you’re brilliant!” Harry crows as Louis carefully carries him out of the room and downstairs.

The crowd of people in Anne’s living room erupt with cheers when Louis is spotted carrying the birthday boy in on his back. Louis smiles and carries him to the dining room where everyone is crowding around an absolutely massive cake. Niall spots them, Harry’s camcorder up to his face, and laughs.

“There you are, lovebirds,” he teases, swinging the camera to face them. “Let me light these candles, Hazza.”

Harry giggles happily and hops off of Louis’ back. He reaches out to rub Louis’ shoulders and smiles when his best friend looks back at him. “Thanks for the ride,” he laughs. “M’gonna make my wish now.”

Louis nods as if this is a serious mission. “Wish extra hard love, our future depends on it.”

“I will,” Harry promises.

Niall returns to light the candles and the entire house launches into a mostly drunken rendition of Happy Birthday. Harry smiles and laughs through it all, cheeks dimpled in and flushed from the alcohol. When they finish, complete with Liam holding out the end note as long as he can whilst laughing, Harry cheers along with everyone else before blowing the candles out. He turns to give Louis a wink and a double thumbs up, their little secret.

One of Harry’s friends appears and places a tiara on his curls, and Louis has to have a few drinks to be able to handle any of this. Louis watches on from the sidelines as Harry dances wildly and awfully, keeping an eye on Harry so he doesn’t have to think about Aiden. He supposes that’s a sign.

The party is winding down and Harry is being chatted up by some girl when Louis feels a hand come to rest on his back. He turns to find Gemma looking at him knowingly.

“Hey,” she whispers. “You okay?”

Louis nods and turns back to watch as the girl scribbles her number out for Harry and tucks it into his shirt pocket. She kisses his cheek and Louis lets out a sigh. “Yeah,” he replies, knowing that it means so much more than what he’s saying. “Yeah, I’ll be okay.”

 

* * *

 

_January, 2007_

Louis is laying on the dingy old couch in the recording studio, joint in one hand and a very attractive man holding onto his ankles. Niall is fiddling with his guitar in one corner, trying to figure out a chord, Liam is talking some shit about writing, and Harry-

Harry has been glaring at Louis the entire day, and Louis is starting to grow quite sick of it.

“Guys, we seriously need to get our act together,” Liam says, giving the three of them a serious look. “They’re expecting these songs in a week, and we have nothing!”

Louis laughs softly and takes a hit, letting the smoke curl upwards from his lips as he speaks. “You know,” he says. “Harry Styles writes all of his songs in this little diary he keeps in his bedside table. Why are you hiding them away, Harold?”

Harry scowls at him. They’re fighting today, Louis deciding to be petulant and childish because Harry has decided to be petulant and childish.

“Shut up, Louis,” Harry mutters.

Louis turns his head up to the ceiling and smiles. “All of his little love songs,” he muses. “Who are you writing love songs for?”

“Lou,” Niall groans, clapping his hand down on his guitar to stop the noise. “Can you just not today?”

Louis reaches out and snubs his joint out on the carpet, much to Liam’s dismay. He tosses it over to Harry, who catches it with a start, and sits up. “C’mon love, let’s go,” Louis says to the boy. He doesn’t actually know the guy’s name, he’s just been calling him _love_ all day because he figures that’ll work. The guy seems to like it well enough.

“Louis we are not even close to finished,” Harry scolds him. “Sit down.”

Louis rolls his eyes and stands up, stumbling a bit as he does. Luckily, that lovely boy whose’ name he’s forgotten catches him by the waist. Louis tosses a smile back to him before turning back to Harry.

“Don’t treat me like a child,” Louis snaps. “I don’t belong to you, I’ll do what I want.”

Harry stands up, chest to chest and towering over him. He really isn’t that much taller, Louis thinks with a frown, but Louis is a bit high and that’s made everything wonky. Harry glares at the man behind him until he lets go of Louis’ waist.

“You are acting like a child,” Harry growls. “And you know you’re being ridiculous. Sit down.”

“Are you trying to intimidate me?” Louis asks with a smile. “Because it isn’t working. I’m not scared of you, Harry Styles.”

Harry’s stoic expression falters and he frowns. Louis passes by him, making sure their shoulders slam together as he does, and the boy follows him. He, at least, looks a bit wary of Harry. That should do wonders for his ego.

“Hey,” Louis says to him once they’re safely in the hall. “Fucking kiss me, yeah?”

The guy obliges, backing Louis up against the wall and kissing him harshly, pinning his wrists to his sides. Normally Louis would hate this sort of thing, because he’s supposed to be in charge at all times, but he’s too high and too upset to care right now. Instead of pushing back, Louis just moans.

One moment Louis is writhing against the boy’s body, and the next he’s gone. Louis blinks his eyes open, shocked by the change, lips swollen and eyes heavy. Harry’s broad back is all he can see, covered by Louis’ favorite flannel.

“Fuck off,” Harry’s saying. “Don’t ever touch him again, do you hear me?”

Louis pouts. “Harry-”

Harry turns back to look at him, taking in Louis’ obviously disheveled appearance, and frowns. “Just stop Louis, god,” he snaps, before turning back around. “Get the fuck out of here now.”

With not even a glance back at Louis, the guy flees. Louis sighs and shakes his head, lifting his hand up in a shit attempt at a wave. Even if he didn’t know the man’s name, he still would’ve at least appreciated a goodbye.

“You’ve ruined my day,” Louis sighs. “I had a lot planned for tonight, you know.”

Harry whirls around to glare at him. “Anyone could’ve seen you, Louis, what were you thinking?” he asks.

“I’m thinking I’m not fucking ashamed of who I am, like maybe some of us are.”

Sometimes Louis doesn’t think before he says things, and this would definitely be one of those times. Harry’s eyes flash with hurt, and Louis knows he’s hit a sore point. The thing is, Louis is sick of pretending. He’s sick of pretending that the way Harry looks at him, the way he’s always looked at him, could be platonic. Louis is sick of pretending that Harry getting jealous over his boyfriend’s and one night stands is even close to normal. Louis is also sick of pretending to be straight, pretending to be something he’s not, and he’s becoming reckless.

Harry clears his throat, obviously ready to ignore Louis’ words, and looks him over. “You have bruises on your wrists now, Louis, why do you let him do that?”

“Have you ever thought that maybe I like it rough?” Louis teases.

What Louis expects to happen is for Harry to make a slightly disgusted face and storm off. It’s what Harry always does when he’s jealous, just leaves to god knows where to sulk. But that isn’t what happens.

Instead, Harry backs Louis up against the wall again, but it’s different this time. Instead of hardly caring, Louis’ heart is racing and his breathing becomes erratic. Harry is so rough, but gentle with him. He holds Louis around the waist firmly, but like he’s breakable. Harry smiles deviously and fits his thigh between Louis’ legs, making Louis gasp.

“Yeah?” Harry whispers, lips brushing over the shell of Louis’ ear as he speaks. “All you ever had to do was ask, Lou. I can take care of you better than anyone.”

This must be a dream, Louis decides, some sad scenario he’s thought up while high to make himself feel better. Harry sighs against his neck and gently kisses him there, lifting his hand up to fit just under Louis’ chin.

“Harry,” Louis moans.

It breaks the spell and they both freeze. Harry doesn’t move until Louis shivers, at which point he jumps away. Louis shakes his head, trying to make sense of what just happened, but there’s only one thing on his mind.

“You’re married,” he whispers, mostly to himself. “You’re married to Chloe.”

Harry spins in a circle, pulling his hands through his hair and biting his lip. “Fuck,” he mutters.

“You’re married,” Louis repeats, angrier this time. “How could you do that, Harry? Do you do that to Chloe, you _cheat_ on Chloe?”

Harry shakes his head. “I’m not married,” he says softly, like that makes any goddamn sense.

“Yes you are, don’t be stupid.” Louis replies.

Harry turns back to him, eyes wet with tears. “We’re getting a divorce,” he says, sounding so final. “Chloe and I are getting a divorce, we decided last night.”

Louis’ heart stutters. “Harry,” he whispers, reaching out for him. “Oh god, love, are you serious?”

Harry nods but doesn’t let himself fall into Louis’ arms. “I’m…there are some things I need to figure out.”

“Like what?” Louis asks carefully.

All at once, Harry steps forward and wraps Louis up in his arms again, and suddenly they’re kissing. Louis gasps, but doesn’t pull away. Instead he pulls Harry closer, whining into his mouth and practically begging for more. This is all he’s ever wanted and it’s finally happening.

“Like that,” Harry whispers softly. “Like how every time I look at you it’s always been as so much more than a friend. Louis, you-”

Louis pulls away and shakes his head. “Don’t blame me for your divorce, Harry Styles,” he says with a sneer. “I haven’t done _anything_ to deserve that, I’m the one trying to fix you and Chloe, I would never do that to her. It isn’t my fault you’re jealous of my boyfriends!”

“It isn’t, you’re right,” Harry says gently, trying to calm Louis down. “I’m not blaming you for anything, Louis, I’m thanking you. You made me realize that I’ve been lying to myself for years, that I’ve been lying to everyone. To you, to Chloe-and I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to be miserable like this anymore.”

Louis rubs at his eyes, feeling a pang of guilt. “God,” he moans. “She’s going to fucking hate me, Harry, she’ll hate me.”

“No she won’t,” Harry whispers. “Lou, none of this is your fault. Chloe would never hate you this.”

Louis leans back against the wall and closes his eyes. “God,” he mutters. “You’ve ruined my high.”

“Sorry,” Harry whispers, sounding truly apologetic for once. “I’m sorry for scaring off your boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Louis says, opening his eyes again to find Harry watching him intently. “I didn’t even know his name, I only brought him along because I knew it’d make you mad. Besides, I guess this makes sense.”

Harry cocks his head slightly and frowns. “What makes sense?” he asks.

Louis rolls his eyes and smiles. “You’ve scared off every guy I’ve been with since I was eighteen.”

Harry’s expression turns stormy. “Because you pick shitty guys, Louis, assholes who don’t treat you right.”

“No one is good enough for me,” Louis laughs.

Harry nods. “You let them treat you like shit, and I don’t know why, Lou, you’re so much stronger than that. It hurts watching that happen and knowing that I could treat you like you deserve.”

Louis smiles at him. “And how exactly do I deserve to be treated?”

Harry closes in on him again, hands spanning Louis’ waist. He pulls Louis to him gently and leans in to rest their foreheads together. “Just like this,” he whispers, never once breaking eye contact. “Gently, like you’re precious-because you are, Louis. You are absolutely everything to me, and you always have been. You deserve to be treated just like this.”

With that, Harry brings their lips together in a soft kiss. It’s everything Louis expected, everything he’s been wanting for years now. He can’t believe he’s been wasting time with all of these other assholes when Harry was right there, waiting.

“I’ve always said you’re a heart breaker, Harry Styles,” Louis whispers. “You’ll break my heart.”

“Never,” Harry replies, sounding sure of the fact. “I would never break your heart.”

 

* * *

 

_July, 2016_

“Louis?”

Louis hums and looks up just as the door opens. Jude enters, looking half-asleep and upset. He frowns when he sees Louis sitting in bed, legs pulled up and computer in his lap.

“Hey,” Jude says softly. “You’re awake.”

Louis smiles. “So observant,” he teases. “Did you need something, love?”

“You and Dad had a fight last night,” he says. It isn’t a question.

Louis sighs and runs a hand through his messy hair, trying to think of what to say. “Yeah, we did,” he replies, finally. “Just like old times.”

Jude says nothing to that, but he does softly shut the door behind himself and walk over. He climbs up into Louis’ bed and sits cross legged in front of him, staring at Louis as he types.

“I don’t want it to be like that,” Jude says. “I don’t want you guys to fight because I know it hurts you.”

Louis smiles and shakes his head. “Love, how many times have I told you not to worry about me? At this point I feel like I’m just talking to a brick wall.”

Jude rolls his eyes. “You can tell me all you want, it doesn’t mean I’m gonna listen. What’re you doing?”

At that, Louis closes out of his email, feeling a bit guilty. “Nothing,” he lies. “Definitely not going through my email.”

Jude groans and throws himself down on the bed dramatically. “Louis,” he groans. “You promised, no work! It’s supposed to be a vacation. There isn’t even any Wi-Fi here, anyway, how are you doing that?”

Louis grabs the hotspot off the bedside table and holds it up. “Say hello to the love of my life,” he says. “You wanna be my best man, it’s gonna be in my wedding to this little thing.”

Betrayed, Jude reaches for the hotspot but Louis manages to hold it out of his reach. “That’s not fair!” Jude whines. “What if I wanted to use it?”

“Then you’d have to guess the password,” Louis sing-songs. “How badly do you want to talk to your little girlfriend?”

Instantly, Jude flushes bright red. “I don’t have a girlfriend!” He sputters out, which is a boldface lie. “And like, even if I did she would be my _little_ girlfriend. I’m fourteen!”

That makes Louis laugh. “Oh of course,” he chuckles. “I forgot you’re fourteen, perfectly old enough to meet your soulmate. I hope I’m invited to the wedding.”

Jude covers his face with his hands, watching Louis between his fingers as Louis moves to put his laptop away. When he returns, Jude is still laying across the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“How old were you when you met Dad?” he asks.

Louis’ heart stutters. “I don’t like what you’re suggesting,” he says haughtily, trying to make a joke out of it.

Jude smiles softly. “Mum told me that once.”

“Told you what?” Louis asks.

“That you and Dad are soul mates,” Jude replies. “I mean, I was a kid and I just wanted to know why Dad when from being with Mum to being with you. She said it was because you and Dad were soulmates, because you’re meant to be together forever. She told it was really lucky that you found each other, that not many people get to have that.”

It sounds exactly like something Chloe would say, Louis thinks with a sad smile. “Your mum was an amazing woman, Jude,” he says softly. “She would be really proud of you, I know it.”

“Yeah,” Jude sighs, smiling again. “I miss her a lot. I think maybe she was right, though. Maybe you and Dad are soulmates.”

“You weren’t supposed to know we were together,” Louis mutters.

Jude rolls his eyes. “Yeah, but you’re both really bad at keeping secrets,” he teases. “Besides, you were practically living together, and I definitely saw you kiss when you thought I wasn’t looking. You and Dad were never very good at hiding how much you loved each other. I liked it then, you know, everyone was happy. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if everything was like that still.”

“Me too, darling,” Louis agrees. “Someday it’ll be like that again, you’ll see. We’ll figure it out.”

Jude hums. “Do you think you’re soulmates?”

“I don’t know if I believe in soulmates,” Louis admits. “Life is a lot more complicated than that.”

Jude nods sagely. “I don’t know if I believe in soulmates either.”

“Don’t be bitter because of me,” Louis says, reaching out to poke the boy in the stomach with his foot. “You’re so young, love. You have years and years left to worry about that sort of thing. You’ll find someone, someday, if that’s what you want.”

Pushing his foot away, Jude giggles and shrugs. “Yeah, I guess so. Are you gonna tell me how old you were now?”

“Ten,” Louis relents. “I was ten. It was your dad’s eighth birthday party and Gemma was allowed to invite one friend over.”

Jude laughs. “And the rest is history. Music history.”

“God, don’t call it that,” Louis groans. “Makes me feel so old.”

They fall into silence, Jude staring up at the ceiling pensively. Louis pokes his stomach with his toe, making Jude smile for just a moment. It makes Louis sad, when Jude gets into these states where all he wants to do is lay around and stare at a wall. Really, Louis knows there’s nothing he can do right now to fix everything, but it still makes him feel a bit useless.

“What’s on your mind, love?”

Jude sighs and shrugs. “I know I’m making Dad angry with me, but I can’t stop myself. I’m so mad, Louis, I’m mad at the fact that he thinks he can just go to rehab and I’m supposed to forgive him. Like he hasn’t done this to me before, disappearing and promising it’ll be different this time. I’m scared, Lou.”

Louis moves closer to him and Jude sits up, crossing his legs and leaning his head on Louis’ shoulder. “Love, what are you scared of?”

Jude shrugs. “M’scared he won’t stay sober. I’m scared I’ll trust him again like I have before and he’ll relapse and it’ll all be for nothing. I’m scared of going back home with him and it turning into the same situation it was before. I’m also terrified you’re going to get sick of me.”

“Jude-”

“Because you should be,” Jude says softly. “You should be sick of me, you should want to kick me out, make me go back. I’m not your responsibility, I heard you talking to Zayn that night. He’s right Louis, you aren’t supposed to be responsible for me but you are and it isn’t fair to you, I’m ruining everything-”

Before Jude can continue, Louis stops him by reaching out and hugging him tightly. The boy starts to cry, whispering apologies into Louis’ shoulder, apologizing for things that are out of his control and things he should never have to feel sorry for. Louis hates it. He could kill Zayn for this.

“Love,” Louis whispers, running a hand through the boy’s curls. “God, Jude, none of that is true. I could never, ever be sick of you, you’re my boy. I love you, and it’ll always be my responsibility to make sure you’re taken care of. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks or says, especially not some prick like Zayn.”

Jude sniffles, but doesn’t move from where he’s hiding against Louis’ shirt when he whispers, “But you want me to go home with Dad.”

Louis sighs and shakes his head. “Not because I’m trying to get rid of you. Trust me, Jude, I don’t want you to leave-but he’s your father. You deserve the chance to build a relationship with him, to get to know one another again. You also have to listen to what he says because-as much as you hate it-you’re still a kid.”

That makes Jude laugh just a bit. He moves closer hesitantly until he’s in Louis’ lap, something he’s far too big for at this age, but Louis would never say no. Instead, he just holds onto the boy as tight as he can and lets him cry it out.

“I want to trust him,” Jude whispers. “I want my dad back, I really do, I’m just not sure if my dad is there anymore.”

“He is, love,” Louis replies. “You just need to give him a chance to show you that. If in two weeks nothing is better, Harry and I will have a talk about you going back home with him, but that isn’t an excuse for you not to try.”

Jude nods. “Okay,” he whispers, sounding a bit better now. “Just…your place feels like home to me.”

“You will always have a place with me, Jude, no matter what,” Louis reminds him. “I love you, kid.”

Jude smiles up at him, eyes still a bit teary, but looking much happier now. “I love you too, Lou. Thank you.”

Louis smiles back. “Always, love.”

 

* * *

 

It takes another hour of wallowing in his room for Louis to feel brave enough to go downstairs. He’s shocked to hear laughter as he walks into the living room, and finds Jude sitting on the couch with George while a video plays on the television.

“Louis!” Jude says when he spots him. “Look at this, what on earth are you wearing?”

Louis watches the video for a moment and groans. Jude’s gotten the home movies out, and is currently watching shaky footage of Harry’s sixteenth birthday party. “Oh god,” Louis mutters, watching himself at eighteen making faces at the camera. “In my defense, faded denim’s come back.”

Jude shakes his head. “You look so funny,” he giggles as Liam pops up on screen. “You all look funny!”

“Your dad and that camera,” Louis mutters. “It was nonstop.”

They both watch as Niall films the party, including Harry blowing out all of his candles and Louis watching on, so obviously infatuated. It then cuts from the party to a dark room and the sound of fumbling around. Louis is a bit worried Jude’s found some strange sex tape when he hears Harry whispering.

 _Louis! Louis, wake up, I_ _’m sixteen._

Louis on the tape groans and swats at the camera, just about knocking it from Harry’s hands. _Fuck off, Haz,_ he mutters.

On screen, Harry turns the lamp on, making Louis groan loudly, and turns the camera on himself. _My best friend hates me,_ he declares. _And I_ _’m keeping this forever so everyone knows._

Jude smiles. “He was drunk, wasn’t he?”

“Wasted,” Louis confirms. “He refused to go to bed that night, I had to hide him from your grandmother so she wouldn’t know he was drinking at his party. Don’t go getting any ideas, kid.”

The door to the kitchen opens and Louis turns to see Harry standing there, watching the two of them. He looks at Louis for a moment before carefully approaching them. He leans on the back of the couch beside Louis and they both watch as the tape jumps to another scene.

It’s band practice this time. Harry sets the camera up carefully on a tripod and they each introduce themselves. Louis smiles as he realizes this is one of the videos they sent off to hundreds of talent agencies. The band is slow to start, unsure of themselves and a bit messy, but they manage to get themselves together soon enough.

_I sit alone at home and I cry over you._

_What can I do._

_Can't help myself, 'cause baby, it's you._

_Baby, it's you._

Louis groans and shakes his head. “How was I so painfully obvious?” he asks, watching himself on screen looking at Harry. Sixteen-year-old Harry, of course doesn’t seem to notice, because he was always a bit oblivious when it came to that sort of thing

“I like that song,” Jude announces. “It’s a cover?”

“Yeah,” Harry answers for Louis. “I think it’s charming, Lou.”

Jude startles at the sound of his voice and turns to look up at the two of them. “Hey,” he says, sounding a bit shy for some reason. “I found a bunch of these tapes.”

Harry smiles and nods. “Yeah, your mum kept them all in that box. Every single one.”

“We should watch all of them,” Louis decides. It’s a start, getting the two of them in the same room without starting a fight.

Luckily, Harry seems to agree. “Yeah?” he says, raising his eyebrows at Louis like he might not know what he’s doing.

“Yes!” Jude says. “It’ll be so funny, queue it up.”

Louis smiles and shakes his head. “I don’t know if you queue up tapes, darling,” he teases. “But okay. Harold?”

“Yeah, Lou?” Harry replies instantly.

“Make us some tea,” Louis declares. “Jude takes it the same as me.”

That makes Harry smile. He looks the two boys over for a moment, before nodding. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

Louis nods and sits down on the couch beside Jude, gently moving the sleeping dog over slightly. Jude smiles at him knowingly, but it quickly turns to laughing as the tape starts up again with yet another one of Louis’ bad outfits.

 

* * *

 

It isn’t until hours later-hours of Jude’s firsts, Louis’ smiling face, the four boys in countries all around the world, Chloe and her beautiful smile-that Harry finds it.

“Which one is this?” He asks, rummaging to the very bottom of the box. The three of them have been civil bordering on happy this afternoon, and Louis loves it. It feels, just for those few hours, like how things could be. How Louis wishes things were.

Harry holds up an unmarked tape and Louis shrugs. It was Harry who was in charge of keeping track of his many home movies, not Louis, although they’ve found Chloe’s loopy handwriting on a few of them. Harry pops out the tape and replaces it with the unmarked one.

Louis wants to flee the room as soon as it starts. It’s Harry and Chloe’s wedding.

“God, you’re all so young,” Jude says in amazement. “I can’t imagine getting married in four years.”

Louis shakes his head and reaches out to ruffle the boy’s hair. “If you get married at eighteen, I’ll kill you,” he says quite plainly.

Jude laughs and rests his head on Louis’ shoulder. “I wouldn’t do that to you,” he says. “Your poor old heart couldn’t take the stress.”

“Oi!” Louis laughs, pushing him away. “You’re right, but shut up.”

Both Jude and Harry laugh, but quickly go quiet as the wedding starts. It was set up at one end of the garden and catches everything. Chloe looks just as beautiful and scared as Louis remembers her being. The ceremony was quick, rushed just like the wedding itself, and it soon cuts to Niall. He’s carrying the camera around the reception, asking everyone if they want to say a few words to the newlyweds.

Finally, the camera lands on Liam and Louis together. Liam has his arm slung over Louis’ shoulder and Louis is drunkenly nursing another glass of champagne.

 _Louis and Liam!_ Niall crows from behind the camera. _What do you have to say to the happy couple?_

On camera, Louis scoffs. _No comment,_ he slurs.

Liam frowns at Louis for a moment and whispers something into his ear. Louis finally nods, and then Liam turns back to the camera to smile.

 _Hey Harry, hey Chloe!_ He says, cheery as ever. _You both looked great up there, I know you_ _’re going to be so happy together. Congrats!_

Louis rolls his eyes and leans further onto Liam, while Niall prods him to say something. Louis finally smiles and replies, _I wouldn_ _’t want to give my speech away, now would I?_

His voice sounds cold and drunk and Louis hates himself for it. He hates himself even more as the tape cuts to the best man speech.

“Turn it off,” he says.

Jude frowns at him. “Why?”

“Turn it off, Harry,” Louis says sternly. “I don’t want to see it, turn it off.”

But it’s too late, because even as Harry moves to pause it, Louis is already crying on screen. It’s a fucking love letter, not a speech, and Louis will never forgive himself for that.

The room goes deathly quiet for a moment as the tape freezes, until Louis turns to Harry.

“Why would she keep that?”

Harry frowns. “It was her wedding, Lou-”

“You could’ve stopped it there,” Louis says. “I know you probably think it’s funny, watching me cry over you like that.”

Harry’s frown only deepens. “No, Louis,” he says softly. “God, baby, never-”

Louis stands up, knocking George’s head out of his lap. “Chloe never deserved that,” he says softly, pointing to where the tape is paused on his crying face. “And I will never forgive myself for it.”

With that, Louis leaves the room. He isn’t really sure where he’s going but he soon finds himself in his room, calling Liam.

“Hey, Lou!” He answers, chipper as ever.

Louis sniffles. “Hey, Li.”

“Louis, what’s wrong?”

That’s all it takes for Louis to break down. He tells Liam everything; about Harry showing up here, about that first night they spent talking like they hadn’t in so long, about Jude’s obvious anger over all of this, about what Harry said to him last night. Liam listens patiently, like he always does, waiting for Louis to tell him everything before he decides how to react.

“Louis,” Liam sighs. “God, I’m so sorry. He has no right to do that to you, to just show up and think everything can be fixed in a day.”

Louis shakes his head as he paces the floor of his room, trying to untangle his thoughts. “It’s not even that, Li, I’m so angry at myself. I always do this, I’m always just waiting for him to want me. It’s never on my terms, it’s never what _I_ want.”

“That’s what I’m saying, Lou,” Liam sighs. “He doesn’t have the right to show up out of nowhere after everything he’s done and expect forgiveness. He should have to prove himself to you, Louis, he should have to chase you this time.”

Sighing, Louis walks across the room and over to his window. He wrenches it open and reaches into his pocket for a cigarette. Jude hates it when he smokes, Louis knows this, but he’s too stressed and he needs this.

“I’m so fucking angry,” Louis mutters. “At myself, for treating Chloe like I did, for loving Harry when he was so clearly hers. I’m angry for all Harry’s done to me, more so for what he’s done to Jude. I don’t know how I could even begin to forgive that, and I’m asking Jude to do the same? I’m such a fucking hypocrite. I don’t think I was ever meant to do this.”

“You’re doing the best you can,” Liam says softly. “You’re a good father.”

The words are like a knife to Louis’ heart. “No,” he snaps. “Don’t say shit like that, Liam, don’t.”

“Louis,” Liam groans. “You know that-”

“I’m not, I’m not his fucking father,” Louis croaks out. “And don’t you think that fucking hurts? Don’t you think I want to be? I’m constantly having these moments when I have to remind myself Jude isn’t my kid, he isn’t my son. I’m a bad person, I know that makes me a bad person.”

“It doesn’t, Louis.”

Louis shakes his head and taps the ash off his cigarette out the window. “It does,” he says, taking another long drag. “His mum dies and I just swoop in like I have any fucking right to. Who do I think I am?”

“You were there when no one else was,” Liam points out. “You loved him and took him in when he had no one else. You support him in everything he does, Louis, and he loves you for that. Explain to me what exactly you think a father is, Louis, because it certainly isn’t just biological.”

“I wanted him to be ours,” Louis admits, and he hates himself for even saying those words out loud. “I wanted it so badly, Li, from the moment I knew Chloe was pregnant. That makes me a bad person, Harry told me so years ago, and he was right.”

There’s silence on the other line as Liam probably tries to process everything Louis’ just said to him. Louis finishes his cigarette and stubs it out before leaning his head on the window pane and closing his eyes.

“Louis, I don’t agree with you there at all,” Liam says, finally. “What you and Jude have is so much deeper than that, and I know you know it too. I don’t think I’ll be able to change your mind, but it isn’t true, and you’re not a bad person. You are a good father-figure, at the very least.”

“I can’t, Liam,” Louis whispers, squeezing his eyes shut and running a hand through his hair. “I can’t do it, I just can’t. Jude’s going to leave after this, Harry’s going to have him back, and that’s what I want-but I don’t. I want them to be a family, but I want to be a family with them. I’m pathetic, Li, I know that. I can’t do it anymore.”

“Louis?”

The sound of Harry’s voice makes Louis jump. He scrambles up from where he’s been leaning against the window to find Harry standing in the doorway, watching him in concern. God knows how long he’s been standing there, how much he knows.

“I have to go, Li,” Louis says softly, keeping eye contact with Harry. “I’ll talk to you later.”

With that, Louis hangs up and the two men stare at one another. Louis hates this, this awful awkwardness. More than anything, Louis just wants his best friend back. Louis has been so lonely without him for so long, and he hates it, but he doesn’t know what to do.

“Louis,” Harry says softly, and it makes Louis’ heart ache to hear Harry say his name even after all this time. “We need to talk.”

Louis crosses his arms over his chest and nods. There’s no avoiding it anymore, no moving past this point without it. “Okay,” he whispers. “Let’s talk.”


	7. Chapter 7

_October, 1997_

Harry looks beautiful, but then again he always does. Sometimes it shocks Louis how perfect he can look doing basic things.

Like now, when he’s just sitting at their lunch table, talking to the girls who fawn over him, giggling and letting them braid his hair, and flirting horribly. Harry’s always been so… _soft_ , Louis thinks. Soft, beautiful, gentle, and kind. The sort of person Louis wants to wrap up in his arms and protect from the world, make sure nothing bad ever happens to him.

“Hi, Louis,” a voice sing songs beside him.

Louis looks over and nods to Eleanor, a girl in his year. “Hey,” he mutters.

Eleanor beams and tosses her hair over her shoulder. “So, I was thinking,” she says, though Louis is quite obviously still watching Harry. “Maybe you’d like to go out tonight? With me, I mean.”

“I can’t,” Louis says instantly. “Harry and I are busy.”

Hearing his name catches his attention, and Harry immediately looks to them. “We have band practice,” he agrees.

“Band practice,” coos a girl who currently has her hands knuckle deep in Harry’s curls. “You’re so cute, you two and your little band.”

Louis rolls his eyes, but Harry beams at the compliment. Eleanor seems to get the hint and moves just in time for Gemma to come huffing in and sit down beside him.

“Oh my god,” she groans, reaching out to take a chip off Louis’ tray even though she has some of her own. “What the hell was that exam? I failed it, I know I did.”

Louis lets himself be distracted into talking with Gemma instead of focusing on everyone else around them. They go over the exam they’ve just taken, fighting over answers they got until lunch is over.

“I’ll see you after school,” Gemma chirps as she stands up. “I’m sure you and Harry will be making an awful racket while I’m trying to revise.”

Louis smiles. “Bye, Gems.”

Harry gives Louis a strange look but doesn’t explain it at all. He continues giving Louis strange looks for the remainder of the day, all through school when they pass each other in the hall, on the way to his house in Gemma’s car, even when they’re practicing.

Of course he doesn’t say anything, though, until late that night. It’s decided Louis is staying with Harry for the night, which is not at all surprising. Louis spends more nights here than he does at his own home-something Anne doesn’t seem to mind, only worry over.

Louis lost his mum a year ago. He isn’t taking it well, and he knows that, and he knows Anne knows that, but she doesn’t protest when he can’t bring himself to go home and face the silence.

“Of course you can stay love,” she whispers, every time he asks. “You’ll always have a place here.”

It makes Louis feel welcome, like he belongs. He doesn’t feel like that at home anymore.

Louis shares a bed with Harry, which is a soft sort of torture. Harry loves to cuddle, and more often than not ends up in Louis’ arms by the morning, drooling on his chest. Louis never minds it, of course, but it’s hard not to be in love with your best friend when they’re Harry Styles.

They’re laying in bed together, Harry resting his head against Louis’ chest, and Louis playing with his hair.

“Lou?” Harry whispers.

“Harold,” Louis whispers back.

“Are you okay?” Harry asks. “I just…you know I worry about you. You’ve been acting sort of funny lately.”

Louis sighs. He knows Harry is trying to ask if he’s okay, because losing his mum has been devastating. And no, Louis isn’t okay, but it’s because he’s slowly starting to realize he’s gay and he wishes more than anything that he could talk to his mum about it. She would know just what to do, and what to say to make him feel better.

“I’m okay, Hazza, don’t worry about me,” Louis replies.

Harry sighs. “Okay, he mumbles.

Five minutes later, Harry speaks again.

“Louis?”

Despite himself, Louis smiles. “Harry, what?”

“Do you have a crush on Gemma?”

The sound Louis lets out is almost inhuman. He’s laughing, because he can’t think of what else to do hearing something so ridiculous. “No,” he giggles. “God, no, Harry why would you think that? She’s like my sister, that’s gross.”

“Well, it’s not ridiculous to think!” Harry shoots back. “She’s pretty, I guess, and you spend a lot of time together. She’s basically your best friend outside of me, and you’re always ignoring other girls-”

Louis doesn’t think about it, just says it.

“Harry, I’m gay.”

Half of him expects it when Harry pulls away from him. He knew it was a possibility, that Harry would be so disgusted by him that he would kick Louis out of his bed and out of his house. Thing is, Louis had hoped for better.

Harry is completely out of his arms and sitting up now, staring at Louis in shock.

“Okay,” Louis whispers, ignoring the way Harry is looking at him, shocked like this is some sort of joke. “I…I get it, I’ll go.”

At that, Harry’s eyes go wide. “No, Louis, no,” he says quickly, and the next thing Louis knows, Harry is wrapping himself around him again. “No that’s not-no.”

Louis sighs. “Harry, it’s okay if you don’t want me here now-”

“No,” Harry says, tightening his hold on Louis. “That isn’t why I…no, Louis you just surprised me that’s all, I wasn’t expecting it. I want you here, don’t leave me, not now. I’m so proud of you.”

Louis laughs softly. “What’s there to be proud about?” he asks.

“That you told me, Lou, that’s brave of you,” Harry says, tucking his head against Louis’ shoulder. “It doesn’t change anything, you’re still my best friend. I still love you.”

_But not the way I love you,_ Louis thinks as he gently lays them down again.

Harry goes back to resting his head against Louis’ chest, and sighs. “Well, at least now I don’t have to worry about you dating my sister,” he teases.

“Definitely,” Louis agrees. “Thanks, Harry, for being so cool about this.”

Harry shakes his head. “I told you it doesn’t change anything. Except now I get to help you find a boyfriend, that’ll be so fun.”

Louis rolls his eyes and falls silent, still gently playing with Harry’s curls. “Hazza don’t…don’t tell anyone just yet, yeah? Not just at school or whatever just-please don’t tell Anne yet.”

“Louis,” Harry whispers, reaching out to squeeze his hand. “She won’t think differently of you either, she isn’t like that. She loves you.”

“I know,” Louis sighs, trying to get himself to believe his own words. “I’m just not quite ready yet. I’ll tell her eventually, I promise.”

Harry nods against his chest and sighs and he closes his eyes to sleep. “I’m proud of you,” he whispers again. “Jay would be proud of you too, Louis, I know she would. I love you.”

Tears start to gather in Louis eyes and he discreetly wipes them away. “I love you too,” he whispers back, his heart pounding with how badly he means it. “Go to sleep, H.”

 

* * *

 

_January, 2007_

Louis takes a deep breath before knocking on the door. He waits only moments before the door opens and he’s face to face with Chloe.

“Oh,” she whispers, looking surprised to see him there. “Harry isn’t here.”

Louis nods. “I know that. I wanted to talk to you.”

There’s a moment where Louis is sure Chloe is about to slam the door in his face and turn him away. After hesitating, she opens the door a bit wider and beckons him inside. Louis follows her to the living room where she sits on the couch, pulling her legs under herself. It’s obvious that she’s been crying, if the mound of tissues by the couch and her red eyes are anything to go by.

“Where’s Jude?” Louis asks. The house is strangely quiet, the normal sounds of Jude singing to himself or playing nowhere to be found.

Chloe nods to the stairs. “Taking his nap. He’ll be up soon, though, you’ll be able to see him.”

Louis nods and takes a seat on the couch beside her. They look at each other for a moment before Louis asks, “Are you okay?”

“Shouldn’t you be more worried about Harry?” Chloe asks, though she doesn’t sound bitter about it. Instead she sounds sad, resigned, as if Louis is only here to rub salt in her wounds.

Louis reaches out and puts his hand over hers, squeezing as he shakes his head. “No,” he says. “Harry has plenty of people to talk to about this, friends and family that will be his shoulder to cry on. I’m more worried about you, love, I want to make sure you’re okay.”

Chloe lets out a shuddering breath and shrugs. “I suppose it’s better this way,” she says. “I don’t want Jude to grow up in a house where his parents hate each other.”

“Harry doesn’t hate you, love, he could never hate you,” Louis says.

She nods. “I know that,” she whispers. “Deep down, I known that. I’m angry with myself more than anything for being so upset over it.”

“You have every right to be upset,” Louis says. “Of course you do, darling, you’re going through a divorce to someone you’ve been married to for almost six years. It doesn’t matter why it’s happening, you’re allowed to be upset. Don’t feel bad for that.”

The words break down any resolve Chloe might’ve had and she leans over onto his shoulder, crying. Louis wraps his arms around her, holding her tightly and letting her cry on his shoulder. He tries to comfort her as best he can, running his hand up and down her back and whispering to her that everything is going to work out.

“I’m glad it’s you,” she says, finally. “Out of anything.”

Louis is quick to refuse that. “Chlo, we never did anything while you two were together, I promise, I didn’t even know until yesterday. I would never, ever do that to you. Harry would never do that to you either.”

Chloe laughs softly, voice still thick with tears when she says, “Louis, I know, it’s okay. He didn’t even mention you until I brought you up, he just told me it was time for him to stop pretending. He’s in love with you, Louis.”

“Chlo-”

“No, I’m not mad at you for it,” Chloe says. “You deserve this chance, you deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as Harry does and I…I think maybe I deserve that too.”

“You do, Chloe, you absolutely do,” Louis agrees. “I just can’t be happy right now knowing that you and Jude are suffering as a result.”

They pull apart and Chloe is smiling at him. Louis doesn’t understand sometimes how anyone can be as sweet as she is. Surely this world doesn’t deserve someone like Chloe.

She reaches out again for his hand, as if she’s now comforting him. “How long have you been in love with him?” she asks.

It feels wrong to say anything, to admit to loving Harry to her, but Louis does. “I don’t know,” he admits. “Maybe since the day we met, maybe years after that-sometimes it feels like I’ve loved him my whole life.”

“Then we won’t be suffering,” she says. “I mean yeah, I’m heartbroken and this is shitty, but I’ll get over it. In reality Harry left me years ago, his heart hasn’t been in what we have for ages, Louis, because it’s always belonged to you.”

Louis sighs and shrugs. “I don’t know, love. I don’t know about any of it.”

“I love Harry,” Chloe says. “After everything we’ve been through, after Jude-I could never stop loving him. Because I love him I want him to be happy, I want him to be true to who he is. He shouldn’t have to live a lie, that isn’t fair to either of us. I’m not going to resent him for something he can’t control, Louis, and I don’t want him to resent me for it either. Besides, I’m getting a bit bored having to compete with you.”

Louis groans and shakes his head. “How have I come here to comfort you and you just end up trying to make _me_ feel better?” he asks.

Chloe laughs. “I don’t know, Lou, but it’s true. I’ve been competing against you from the very start, even when I didn’t know it.  I don’t want you to feel like you’ve done something wrong for this, because you haven’t. You could’ve hated me, you could’ve ignored me or treated me like shit for marrying the man that you love, but you never did. You welcomed me with open arms, you became like a brother to me, you’re always there for Jude and I when we need you, and you came all the way here just to make sure that I was okay. That means _everything_ to me, Louis. You know that my family has never been supportive, but I know that Jude is never going to have to suffer though that. I know that between me, you, and Harry, Jude is going to grow up with a wonderful family that loves each other.”

It’s enough to bring Louis to tears. “Thank you,” he whispers. “God, Chloe, thank you. Come here.”

That’s how Jude finds them, Chloe and Louis hugging each other tightly on the couch, each of them laughing through their tears at how positively ridiculous this whole situation is.

“Lou!” Jude shouts.

Louis pulls away just in time to catch Jude who runs into his arms. “Hello, love,” he sighs against the boy’s curls. He reminds Louis more and more of Harry every day.

“I didn’t know you were coming here,” Jude says, wrapping his arms around Louis’ neck.

“Well, it’s a surprise!” Louis says. “I’m taking you and your Mummy out for ice cream and a movie. What do you say, love?”

Jude gasps and nods, instantly telling Louis all about a brand new movie he wants to see. While he goes on and on about animated rats, Louis turns to find Chloe staring at him.

“People will see,” she says.

It’s almost been a year since the news broke about Chloe and Jude, and a day since the news broke that she and Harry are getting a divorce. She’s right, of course, people are going to see and no doubt think it’s strange that Louis is taking his best friend and band mate’s ex-wife and son out, but he doesn’t care.

“Let them see,” Louis decides, reaching in to tickle Jude’s sides. “I’m not ashamed of my family.”

 

* * *

 

_July, 2016_

Harry nods to the phone Louis has tossed onto the bed. “Liam,” he says, his voice cold. “How long has he known?”

_How long has he known you were in love with me?_ Is what Harry is trying to say, but won’t. He’s a coward, Louis thinks bitterly.

“Liam has always known,” Louis replies. “And he always will know because I tell him everything, he’s my best friend. You’ve not right to be jealous about it, you lost that privilege years ago.”

They are so far from each other, but Louis can still feel Harry’s anger. He shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair, starting to pace the bedroom floor. “I don’t know what you want me to say,” he admits, coming to a stop, closer to Louis now. He’s looking at Louis with wild eyes, distraught and sad all at once.

“Anything,” Louis shoots back.

“Do you want me to tell you I fucked up?” He starts. “Because I did, massively. Do you want me to tell you exactly what it feels like to watch my son consider someone else his father? Because it feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest every time he turns to you instead of me. Do you want to know what it feels like sobering up, going through the withdrawals, and coming to the realization that I’ve ruined everything good in my life for nothing? Because it feels like I have nothing, Louis, it feels like there’s no point in living anymore. That’s what it feels like right now, Louis, and you can’t even imagine how badly I want to shoot up right now to get rid of those feelings.”

The words wash over Louis and he has to take a deep breath to be able to handle it all. There’s so much he wants to say, so many things he wants to do, but he’s angry. He meant what he said to Liam; he’s sick of everything being about Harry.

“And what about how I feel,” Louis asks softly. “Does that matter to you at all?”

Harry looks surprised. “Of course it does-”

“But you don’t know how I feel, do you?” Louis shoots back. “You don’t understand what the past seven years have been like for me. Through all of your self-pitying, you’ve forgotten about the people around you, you have no idea what you did to me.”

Like an idiot, Harry says, “Then tell me.”

And Louis is sick of holding back.

“You left me after two days, not a word, not a call,” he starts. “You took me and what I felt for you for granted, you always did. Whether that was your own internal struggle or whether you never really wanted me as more than a fuck now and then-I don’t care anymore. You refused to call me your boyfriend even after we spent two fucking years together. I’ve had to watch the love of my life reject me at every turn, I’ve had to worry that someday I was going to get the call saying you’d overdosed. I’ve had to watch Jude struggle because of what you’ve done and the awful choices you’ve made. I tried so hard to help you, and you refused, but that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that no matter what you did to me, how badly you treated me, how often you wrote me off-I never stopped loving you.”

Harry is crying now, and Louis can see how those last words affect him. He breathes in sharply and whispers, “Louis.”

“I wish I could hate you,” Louis admits. “I’ve been trying to hate you for what you’ve done to me, what you’ve done to Jude, but I never could. So yes, I’ve been in love with you possibly form the day we met as kids, but you never cared. I was nothing more than a passing interest to you, you never cared about me the way I cared, you never loved me as much as I loved you. You played me, Harry, and I was willing to do anything for your attention.”

The room goes deathly silent. Louis shakes his head, ready to storm out and lock himself up in a bathroom somewhere, when Harry blinks up at him. And just like that, Louis is back again, back to being so easily manipulated into whatever Harry wants.

“You have always made me feel stupid for loving you,” Louis says, relishing in the way Harry winces. “I felt lesser when I watched you, Liam, and Niall fuck those groupies after every concert. I felt stupid when you married Chloe and I still wished it would be us. I felt stupid when you left her for me without ever offering me what I’ve wanted, and needed, for so long. And I still feel stupid, Harry, for letting you do this to me.”

Harry takes a step towards him, but Louis stands his ground, not moving towards the other man an inch. “What do you want, then?” he asks. “Tell me, Louis, and I’ll do anything. I told you that.”

And he did, last night. Thing is, Louis isn’t even sure what he wants. Does he want Harry back, or does he want to finally move on? Does he want apologies and promises, or does he want to be rid of this man that has lied to him over and over.

Finally, he whispers, “I just want to be happy. I haven’t been happy in so long, Harry, that’s all I want.”

“What would make you happy?” Harry asks.

“I don’t know,” Louis admits. “To see Jude happy, because I love him more than anything, Harry, and he isn’t happy. I want to feel like I’m doing the right thing, but I don’t know what the right thing is anymore.”

Harry nods. “I want that too, Louis,” he says softly, like he’s trying to calm to a spooked animal. “Please let me talk, okay?”

“Talk, then,” Louis says, holding his hands out in invitation.

After taking a deep breath, Harry nods. “I’ve been thinking about all of this a lot lately,” he admits. “In therapy, at rehab I mean, trying to get down to the real reason why I’m like this. I’ve never been able to explain to myself or anyone else why I wouldn’t call you my boyfriend, Louis, but I know now.”

“Why?” Louis asks, his voice strained. “Was I not good enough for you? Was I just to tide you over until you found someone else-”

“No, Louis,” Harry interrupts. “It’s because I was scared. I’d been married to Chloe for six years, Louis, since I was eighteen. Do you know what I was doing at eighteen? I was just barely starting to face the reality that I never liked girls as much as I let on-but then Chloe was pregnant. I had to shove all of that down as far as I could, I had to step up for Chloe and for Jude, and I did, but I as miserable. I don’t want you to think for even a moment that you weren’t good enough for me, or that I didn’t want you, because being with you was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

“I loved Chloe, you know that. She was perfect, Louis, and she deserved so much better than a husband that didn’t love her like a husband should. She deserved better than me and what I couldn’t give her. It was always you, Louis, you were always the one I really wanted and that last night when she and I decided to end it-that’s when I realized. Chloe sat me down as I was crying and told me that it was okay, that it was you, that it had always been you. I so badly wanted you to be mine, but I had to deal with those emotions while trying to convince myself that I could love Chloe, that not wanting her wasn’t a betrayal to everything we had together and our son.”

Louis tries to think for a moment, tries to imagine what that must’ve been like for Harry. It must have been awful, trying to deal with all of those feelings while also having to think of Jude and Chloe.

“Those two years were the happiest of my life,” Harry says, his eyes sparkling with tears. “Everything seemed perfect; Jude was happy, Chloe and I found a way to stay best friends, and you were mine and I was yours like I’d always dreamed of being. Nothing compares to you, Louis, nothing ever could. But all of that was not enough to the stop the insane amount of fear I had. When you came out, Louis, it was terrifying. People said awful things, they were threatening you, and watching that scared the shit out of me. I could barely handle the hate when it was you coming out, I couldn’t imagine what it would be like having that hate directed at me.”

Louis shakes his head. “I told you, Harry, I told you over and over that just because I was out didn’t mean you had to come out too-”

“I know that, Louis, but I felt like not coming out was betraying you. I felt like calling myself your boyfriend while you were suffering through that would’ve made me even more of a coward than I already was. Calling you my boyfriend would have made it real, telling everyone else that we were together would have made it _real_. I was scared, Louis, I was a stupid kid and I was scared. I’ll never able to apologize enough for not being brave like you were.”

Harry’s always said that, said that Louis is brave. Louis isn’t sure he believes it anymore, because he doesn’t feel brave. He feels like he’s suffocating in this mess they’ve created. If he was brave, maybe he’d have an answer for what to do now, for what comes next. Instead, he just falls down onto the bed and wraps his arms around his legs.

It takes only seconds for Harry to come sit beside him. The look at each other, blue to green, and Louis can’t hide it anymore. He wants Harry, that has never changed, and right now Louis thinks that maybe only that could truly make him happy. Harry reaches his arms out, silently asking permission as he pulls Louis into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, squeezing Louis tightly. “I’m so sorry, Louis, for every ounce of pain I’ve ever caused you. I know this doesn’t fix everything, I know that, but I’m trying. I’ll keep trying until you believe that I’m sorry and that I can change. I love you, Louis, I’m so in love with you and I can’t stand myself for hurting you.”

Louis turns and presses his face to Harry’s shoulder. “You love me,” he whispers. It’s been years since he’s heard that and believed it-but he does. He believes Harry, and that’s a major change.

“I love you,” Harry confirms. “I’m going to fix it, Louis, I’m going to get better and I’m going to get my family back. You and Jude are all I have, all that matters to me, and I won’t stop until you both know just how much I love you.”

Taking a deep breath, Louis wraps his arms around Harry’s waist and lets himself cry. “Please don’t leave me,” he begs, just as Harry once had all those months ago. “Please, I can’t live like this-not knowing where you are, or if you’re okay. It’s been hell, Harry.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Harry promises. “I’m going to fix it, all of it, I promise.”

And for the first time in seven years, Louis knows he means it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the angst is so much even I can barely handle it ;)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the new chapter, the next should be up soon as our story is sadly starting to come to an end. Don't worry though, I promise I have much more angst to fit into the next 3 chapters!! 
> 
> As always, thank you so much for all of the comments and kudos. They keep me going.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a roll with fics lately, I think it's the start of summer getting to me. I'm sticking with my commitment to 10 chapters on this one, but it maaay turn into 11 for an epilogue. We'll see ;)
> 
> Thank you for all of your comments and kudos, as always. Enjoy!

_April, 2011_

It doesn’t matter what Louis is doing or where he is, everyone knows he takes April 5th off. He’s been doing it now for years, and this one is no different. The only problem is, Jude isn’t here.

“How are you liking LA, love?” Louis asks, throwing is feet up onto his desk and looking out. It’s raining in London, but when isn’t it? He wishes he could be in Los Angeles with Jude. He wishes that wouldn’t end in a fight.

Jude sighs on the other line, voice cracked by the connection. “I don’t know,” he says, slowly. He talks like his father, slowly and purposefully, as if every word is terribly important. “I really miss you and Grandma, and I don’t have any friends here.”

Louis frowns at that. “I’m sure you have a few friends, darling,” he says, praying that that’s true. “You’re a lovely boy, who wouldn’t want to be your friend?”

“No one likes me,” Jude says, and it breaks Louis’ heart. “But I don’t think I like them either. It isn’t fun here, school is confusing, it’s too hot, and Dad’s always too busy to hang out with me.”

Louis squeezes his eyes shut, trying to fight off the headache he can feel coming on. “I’m sorry, love, but I’m sure Dad is working very hard.”

Working very hard on fucking his way around LA, no doubt. From what Jude has said and what Anne has been able to gather from Harry, he’s never home with his son. Instead, he has the nanny of the week stay and take over his parenting duties while he does god knows what. Releases another shite single, gets high, wakes up in someone else’s bed, Louis supposes. He may be a little bitter about this entire situation.

“He says we can come home pretty soon,” Jude reveals. “And maybe I’ll get to stay with Grandma and see you again. Dad doesn’t like when I talk about you though, I think it upsets him. I think he misses you too.”

It’s so far from the truth, but there’s no way Louis is going to crush Jude’s optimism. “I’m sorry love. I hope you do come back soon, I miss you so much.”

He also hopes Anne gets Jude back, gets him in a stable home. He hopes Jude will have the opportunity to catch up in school, make friends, be happy. He hopes that Harry comes to his senses and realizes what he’s doing. Louis hopes for a lot of things lately, no matter how foolish they may be.

“I miss you a whole lot,” Jude replies. “I-oh. Hi Dad.”

In the background, Louis can hear a door shutting. “Jude? Who’re you talking to, love?” Harry’s voice calls, and even from across the world Louis can hear in his voice that he’s high. He’s become quite used to that spaced out tone.

“Louis,” Jude says. “He’s calling me for my birthday.”

There’s a silence and then Harry says, “Shit, your birthday.”

Louis’ heart drops. Harry forgot Jude’s birthday. He forgot his son’s birthday-Harry, the same boy who once spent Jude’s second birthday crying on the phone in Japan while Chloe consoled him, telling him Jude would never remember he missed it.

It hurts when Louis has to face just how much things have changed.

“It’s okay, Dad,” Jude replies, and Louis feels as though he might cry. “I know you’re busy.”

“No, love, um,” Harry stutters. “Let’s go, okay? We’ll go out for dinner, you and me kid, just like-well-yeah, come on. Tell whoever that is bye and let’s go.”

“It’s Louis,” Jude says again, sounding far too mature for his age. Far too used to dealing with his father this way. Harry makes a noise of recognition and Louis can hear footsteps fading away in the background before the boy is speaking to him again.

“I gotta go Louis,” he says.

Louis nods, feeling so incredibly helpless. “Okay darling,” he says, wishing he was there now more than ever. “I love you, happy birthday. I’ll see you very soon, I promise-if you don’t come here, I’ll come to you. I _promise_ , Jude, yeah?”

“Okay,” Jude says, sounding a bit happier now. “I love you too, Louis. Bye.”

“Goodbye, love,” Louis whispers.

As soon as Jude hangs up, Louis drops his head into his hands and cries.

 

* * *

 

_September, 2014_

It’s a cold night when Louis stumbles into the lobby of his new flat, a man at his side, only to be stopped short by his doorman.

“Mr. Tomlinson,” he says, stepping in front of Louis before he can get to the lift. “I’m sorry to disturb you, but someone is here for you.”

Louis frowns. “What?” he asks, still a bit drunk from the drinks he had at the club earlier. “Who? Why would you-”

Out of nowhere, a huge weight slams into Louis’ waist. He looks down to find Jude, of all people, hugging him tightly and crying into his stomach.

“Oh,” he breathes, the fog in his mind seeming to dissipate. “Oh, darling, what’s going on?”

Beside him, the cute guy he was showing up to his flat pulls away. “You didn’t tell me you had a kid,” he says, and then he’s gone before Louis can begin to explain.

Steven, the doorman, looks concerned. “I’m sorry Mr. Tomlinson,” he says. “He showed up here an hour ago, said he had to see you, he was crying. I couldn’t send him back out there alone this time of night, so I let him sit with me at the desk until you got back.”

Louis knows exactly what this man is thinking. Jude is Harry’s son, everyone knows that. Even if they didn’t, Jude is the spitting image of his father, one look at him confirms that. Harry and Louis have been very publicly feuding for years now, everyone knows that as well. This entire situation must be strange and confusing to an outsider. Hell, it’s a bit confusing to Louis right now as well.

Still, Louis is grateful.

“Thank you,” he says. “I’ve got him from here. Next time let him up, yeah? Let him in, anytime.”

“Of course,” Steven replies, and then he’s heading back to the desk.

Jude sniffles against Louis and whispers, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Louis whispers back, squeezing the boy in a tight hug. “Come on love, let’s get you upstairs.

Jude stays stuck to Louis’ side the whole ride up to the penthouse. Louis feels monumentally more sober and clearheaded now than he did before, but he still pours himself a giant glass of water to hopefully shock his system into being sober when they make it to his flat.

Throwing his backpack on the floor, Jude takes a seat on one of the stools at Louis’ kitchen island and watches him.

“Darling,” Louis starts, moving to the fridge to get Jude his own glass of water. “It’s not that I’m not happy to see you, but what are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night.”

Jude runs his hands across the marble and shrugs. “I had a bad first day at school,” he says. “And I waited all day for Dad to come home to talk to him about it, but he doesn’t care, and then he invited a bunch of people over and I-I just needed to leave, but I don’t have anywhere to go-”

“Yes you do,” Louis is quick to interrupt. “You always have a place with me, Jude, you know that. I mean it, I’m not upset that you’re here, I’m upset that you didn’t call me first so I knew you would be able to get here safely. Darling, what if Steven hadn’t let you stay down there with him? How did you even get here?”

“I’m sorry,” Jude whispers.

Louis watches him for a moment, tracing the slump of the boy’s shoulders, his sad little frown, before walking out of the kitchen and down the hall to his office. He soon returns with a copy of the key to his flat which he promptly sets down in front of Jude.

“I’ll make sure all of the doormen know not to bother you,” he says. “And you’ll keep this so you have a way in, okay? I don’t want you stuck out in the rain, love, I want you to be able to come here whenever you need to. I’m going to give you the number to my driver as well, I don’t want you making your way across the city alone at night again. That isn’t safe.”

Just the thought of it now makes Louis’ hands shake. Jude is twelve years old, and sure he’s grown up in cities for a lot of his life, but this isn’t okay. This should have never happened. Harry should’ve been watching him, should’ve noticed his child left the house in the middle of the night like that with no way to get around except for a bus.

Jude nods and takes the key, turning it over in his hand. “Okay,” he says. “Thank you, Louis.”

“Don’t thank me,” Louis replies, wrapping Jude up in a hug. “You’re my boy, I’ll always take care of you. I want you safe, darling, I couldn’t live with myself if something ever happened to you. Tell me what’s happened, what’s going on at school?”

They pull away from one another and Jude shrugs, wiping at his eyes. “They know who Dad is,” he says. “Who I am, and they were making fun of me for it. I don’t have a real family, they think I’m spoiled, they think I’m stupid because I’m so far behind-”

“Jude, no,” Louis says softly. “God, no, none of that true. You’re the smartest boy I know, and you’re not responsible for your father’s mistakes. And you do have a family, you have a family that loves you so much. You’re so brilliant love, I don’t want you to ever feel like you aren’t.”

Jude sniffles. “I am behind though,” he murmurs, and it’s true. After years of being jostled around from school to school, Jude is behind for his age. He should be in the grade ahead of what he is, and Louis will never stop being angry with Harry for that.

“You’ll catch up,” Louis says, because he knows Jude will. “I’ll help you.”

The boy looks up at him and smiles. “ _You_ _’ll_ help me?”

“Wipe that smirk off your face,” Louis laughs, feigning anger.

“Aunt Gemma says she always had to help you in school,” Jude giggles.

Louis rolls his eyes and moves back into to the kitchen. “Your aunt should learn to keep her mouth shut,” he teases. “God, I’m hungry. Probably too late to order in-Jesus, it’s midnight Jude, you have school tomorrow.”

“I know,” Jude says, gesturing to his bag on the floor. “I have everything.”

Louis nods. “I’ll drive you tomorrow, then, before I have to head to the office. Does your father know where you are?”

As Louis suspected, Jude shakes his head. “No, I didn’t tell him I was going.”

“I’ll call him,” Louis decides. “Let’s get you to bed, love, you need sleep.”

Louis leads him through the flat and up the stairs, Jude looking around and taking everything in. “It’s bigger than your last flat,” he remarks, smiling when he sees a picture of himself and Chloe on the wall beside pictures of Louis’ sister. Louis only moved in last week, most of his things are still in boxes, but the pictures make it feel like home.

“It is,” Louis agrees. “Needed more room for family to visit.”

He doesn’t mention that he picked this flat specifically because of the room for Jude. Harry’s only recent regained custody of Jude, and they’re in their second house so far in London. Louis wants a place where Jude can come that’s just his, that’s always going to be there. Louis might not have custody of the boy, but Jude is always going to be his family.

“I love it,” Jude says once they make it to the guest room farthest down the hall. It has a beautiful view of London, and is the only room besides Louis’ that is fully furnished at this point.

“Good,” Louis replies. “Now try to sleep, okay?”

Jude nods and then throws his arms around Louis’ neck in a hug. “I love you,” he whispers. “Night, Lou.”

“Goodnight, darling,” Louis sighs.

He waits until he’s sure Jude is asleep to call Harry. Even then, Louis has to pace around his living room and talk himself up into being able to dial. It’s been years now since they’ve spoken.

“Louis?” Harry answers, sounding reasonably confused.

“Harry,” Louis replies, keeping his voice ice cold. “I’m calling to tell you Jude is here with me. He’s spending the night here tonight and I’ll drive him to the school tomorrow.”

On the other line, Louis can hear music playing in the background and people laughing. “Oh,” Harry breathes. “He’s there with you?”

“Yes, he’s here,” Louis repeats. “And if you intend on keeping custody of your son for longer than a week, I suggest you try keeping better tabs on where he is. I’m telling Anne about this, and she can decide where to go from here.”

Harry lets out a strangled noise and says, “Louis, no, please don’t tell Mum.”

It reminds Louis so much of their childhood together he could almost laugh. How many times has Harry said that to him before? And how many times had Louis given in?

“I’m telling her,” Louis spits, because things are different now. “Because if you can’t take care of him, I’m going to find someone that will. Goodbye Harry.”

“Louis, wait, please-”

Louis hangs up.

 

* * *

 

_July, 2016_

He’s standing in a hospital, watching as people race past.

They’re all yelling, it’s chaos, and Louis is trying desperately to get someone, anyone, to listen.

And then he sees her. Chloe. Strapped to a hospital bed, appearing in the hall beside him, staring at him with anger in her eyes and bruises on her body.

“Louis,” she whispers, reaching out with one broken hand.

Louis lets out a sob and tries to step towards her. He can’t, though, something is holding him back. “Chloe!”

Despite her injuries, Chloe shakes her head. “What happened to Harry, Louis?” she whispers, sounding so confused and angry at once.

Louis’ heart feels like it stops beating in his chest. _Take care of my boys,_ he remembers her saying. But he didn’t. He failed.

“I don’t-Chlo, I tried as hard as I could-”

“But you didn’t try hard enough,” Chloe interrupts him, looking betrayed. “And now Jude?”

The words hit Louis hard, leaving him breathless. “No,” he whispers. “No, not Jude, Jude’s okay. I took care of him, I did, I-”

He’s interrupted as the doors to the hospital open and people come rushing in. Strapped to his own bed is Jude, bleeding and crying out for him. No matter how desperately Louis tries, though, he can’t reach Jude. He pushes himself, his legs feeling tangled up in something, and cries out Jude’s name and reaches but-

“Louis!”

Louis wakes up with a gasp. The room is dark and it takes a moment for his eyes to adjust. He’s in the guest room, George sleeping on the bed beside him, and Jude at his other side staring down at him. Jude.

“Oh my god,” Louis breathes, surging up and hugging the startled boy. “Oh god, Jude, you’re okay.”

Jude nods against Louis’ shoulder and rubs his back. “I’m fine, Lou, you were yelling my name in your sleep. Are you okay?”

“Nightmare,” Louis breathes, still refusing to let go. “God, darling, I’m so happy you’re here.”

Jude laughs softly and whispers, “Lou, I’m fine.”

Louis nods and finally pulls away to look at him. “What are you doing up? It’s early.”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Jude replies with a shrug. “I’m usually up this early anyway.”

Taking a moment to remember that this is real, Louis reaches out and ruffles Jude’s curls. He’s okay, Louis has taken care of him just as he promised. Jude’s okay.

“Come on, babes, I’ll make breakfast,” Louis whispers.

The two of them walk downstairs together. Outside, the sun is just barely rising over the trees, painting the sky a dusty pink. Louis is startled when he walks into the kitchen and finds Harry outside, sitting on the wet grass and staring at the sunrise.

“What’s he doing out there?” Louis asks.

Jude shrugs. “I don’t know. He always gets up early and sits out there.”

Louis frowns and walks to the back door. He pushes it open and yells, “Harry, get your arse in here!”

Harry whips his head around, obviously confused as to why Louis has interrupted his brooding. “What?”

“Get your arse in here,” Louis repeats slowly. “Now.”

Looking somewhat startled at his tone, Harry jumps to his feet and comes inside. Louis leans against the counter top and watches as Harry closes the door. Soon, both Harry and Jude are standing side by side, staring at him expectantly with the same green eyes.

“So you’re telling me,” Louis starts. “That the two of you wake up this early every morning, and yet never once found the time to talk?”

Jude just stares at him. Harry opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.

“Well?” Louis demands. “Are either of you going to explain?”

Harry, apparently, decides to take one for the team. “Louis-”

“No,” Louis interrupts. “I’m sick of this shit, Harry. You can apologize to me, but you can’t apologize to your son? Really?”

The kitchen goes silent for a moment, Harry looking rightfully ashamed. He spent all day yesterday with Louis, apologizing until Louis finally kicked him out of his room to be alone. Sometimes, Louis really doesn’t understand either of these boys.

“It’s more complicated than that, Louis, and you know it,” Harry says.

“You two need to talk,” Louis decides. “Now. You’re talking now.”

Jude bites his lip, looking like that’s the last thing he wants to do. “Louis,” he sighs.

Shaking his head, Louis grabs Harry by the arm and pulls him out of the kitchen. Jude follows, refusing to look up from his feet until Louis makes Harry sit on the couch and Jude sit beside him.

“I don’t want to talk to him,” Jude says.

“Great,” Louis shoots back. “But you’re going to. Nothing is ever going to get better if the two of you just keep sulking around this place, looking miserable and using me to talk to one another.”

Of course, Jude doesn’t start. He looks down at his hands instead, playing with his fingers and avoiding eye contact. Louis doesn’t know how the boy’s therapist gets anything out of him, really, but that woman deserves an award.

A pointed look at Harry soon has him saying, “Jude, love, Louis is right. We do need to talk.”

“Don’t make me promises you won’t keep,” Jude replies, not looking up. “And don’t apologize to me if you don’t really mean it, I’m sick of that. I’m old enough now to see through it too, so you can’t trick me.”

Harry shakes his head and reaches out to gently touch Jude’s hands, but Jude pulls away. “Love, I do mean it,” he says. “I’m not trying to trick you. I’m so sorry, I really am.”

“You aren’t,” Jude replies. “Because you hate me.”

The look that passes over Harry’s face is devastating to watch, and Louis is sure that he doesn’t look much better. It feels like someone is slowly prying Louis’ heart out of his chest, hearing Jude say those words with such sincerity. He truly believes it.

“I don’t hate you,” Harry says, his voice shaking a bit. “You’re my son, and I’ll always love you. God, Jude, why-”

“ _Why_?” Jude asks, finally picking his head up again. He’s starting to cry but tries to hide it by letting out a laugh. “After all you’ve done to me, after all of the lies, the deception, after passing me around to whoever would take me-you want to know _why_ I think you hate me?”

Harry shakes his head. “Jude, I could never hate you.”

“But you do,” is Jude’s reply. “Because everything is my fault. All of this is my fault.”

Louis frowns. “Darling, what are you talking about?” he asks, finally deciding to step in.

“It’s my fault,” Jude repeats. “It’s my fault Mum and Dad got married in the first place, my fault they had to stay together, my fault you, and Mum, and Dad were all miserable-and it’s my fault Mum is dead. She came to get me, and if she hadn’t then she’d still be here. If I’d been a better son then she would still be alive, and Dad wouldn’t have started doing drugs, and it never mattered how hard I tried to be better-you still hated me, Dad. You still hate me. It’s my fault.”

It feels as though the air has been sucked out of the room. Jude stands up suddenly and storms out, running through the kitchen where Louis can hear the back door slamming. Harry is staring at the spot Jude left, stunned, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Oh my god,” Louis breathes, finally coming to his senses once what’s just happened sinks in. “I have to-”

Harry shakes his head. “No,” he says, taking a deep breath in. “I’ll go.”

With that, Harry pushes himself to his feet, wipes at his eyes, and leaves the room. Louis waits until he hears the door shut once more to follow. Outside Jude is now sitting on the grass, his back to the window and his knees pulled up to his chest. Harry walks out and sits down beside him, mimicking his pose as Louis watches on.

Sometimes Louis wonders what life would be like if Chloe had never died. He supposes it’s normal, as he has always wondered the same thing about his mother’s death. What would his mum say to him now? Would she like Jude? Would she still love Harry as much as she always did? Would she have ever let Louis fall this hard for someone and still be so hung up over it?

But it’s almost worse when he thinks about Chloe still being alive.

Maybe he and Harry would still be together, maybe they would’ve been happy, maybe Jude would be happy-

It’s dangerous, that sort of thinking. Louis could so easily let himself get caught in it. He could stop living in the real world and instead spend his days pining for a life he’ll never have. And maybe he would, if things were different. Maybe he’d live in that world he’s created where nothing bad ever happens, were it not for Jude.

Louis never knew that Jude blamed himself for Chloe’s death. It was never something that came up, but Louis feels like he should have seen it. He should have put two and two together and realized that all of Jude’s worrying really came down to that simple point. He believes he’s the reason Chloe died, and therefore Harry must hate him.

Jude is crying outside, Louis can tell by the way his shoulders shake. It feels awful, watching the boy be in pain and not doing anything about it. Louis has never been able to deal with watching Jude cry.

They’re talking, though, more now than they have since they got here. Harry is gesturing with his hands a lot and Louis can see how serious his face is every time he turns to look at Jude. He looks like the Harry Louis remembers, from all those years ago. The Harry who was always there for Jude, who always knew the right things to say, and just how to approach any situation. The Harry who Louis once thought was the best father he’d ever met.

There’s a moment where nothing happens, but then Jude is practically throwing himself into his father’s arms. Harry catches him, of course, and hugs him back. Even from here, Louis can hear Jude’s sobs and see Harry whispering to him. It feels intrusive, Louis thinks, watching them, and so he leaves the room.

The two boys deserve to have this moment, the moment Jude has been waiting seven years for, alone together. As a family.


	9. Chapter 9

_December, 2009_

Louis, Niall, and Liam are at a club when Louis gets the call.

And it’s not exactly like Louis is going to answer a call from Anne in a club, so he quickly excuses himself and finds his way out onto the street. He answers as paps take pictures of him and shout his name, heart pounding in his chest.

“Hello?”

Anne lets out a loud sigh of relief. “Oh, Louis,” she says. “I was worried you wouldn’t wake up, that it might be too late for you.”

Louis shakes his head. “I’m up, love, what’s wrong? Has something happened?”

_Has something happened?_ Has become their new code for; _Has Harry finally done something he won_ _’t come back from?_ It hurts too much to say what they mean.

As Louis navigates through screaming paps and fans to his waiting car, his heart starts beating even faster. That must be it, Harry must of overdosed, why else would Anne be calling so early in the morning? Louis knew someday he was going to get this call from her and yet he doesn’t think he can handle this.

“Don’t freak out,” Anne says, which immediately prompts Louis to freak out. “It’s Jude.”

Nothing could be worse than this feeling that’s clawing its way through his body as soon as she says those words, Louis thinks.

“What do you mean Jude?” he demands, gesturing for his driver to go despite the worried glances they’re shooting back at him. “What’s wrong? Is he okay, is he hurt?”

“Louis, darling, calm down,” Anne replies, her tone soothing as ever. “Jude’s not hurt, he’s here with me right now.”

Louis shakes his head. “It’s Wednesday,” he tells her, in case she wasn’t aware. “Why is he there? Isn’t it the middle of the night?”

He had had a few drinks at the club, enough to be disoriented. A check of his watch tells him it’s just past midnight in New York, meaning it’s around five in the morning there. Not the middle of the night then, but still far too early.

“That’s why I’m calling,” she explains. “Chloe’s parents called. It isn’t going to work out.”

Rolling his eyes, Louis yanks a package of cigarettes out of his pocket and lights one. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he mutters. “They wanted him so badly they fought me for him, and won, but now they think they can just send him away because _it isn_ _’t going to work out_? He’s a child, not a dog.”

Anne sighs, and Louis immediately feels like an asshole for swearing. He apologizes but she ignores it. “I know, love, I know. I don’t agree with it at all, you know that, but I think he’s better off here with me right now.”

“Of course he is,” Louis is quick to say. “God, Anne, of course he is. What happened?”

“They called me a couple of hours ago,” she replies, sounding angry. “And luckily I woke up, otherwise I don’t know what they would’ve done. Jude was crying his eyes out, and they’d had enough of it. He’s been miserable the past few weeks, Louis, absolutely miserable. I guess they just got sick of it.”

Sometimes, Louis thinks reckless things. Sometimes Louis thinks that maybe Harry has it right. Maybe drugging yourself up so much that nothing seems real anymore is the answer, not living through this hell that doesn’t seem to end. For a moment, Louis lets himself wonder where Harry is, if he’s safe, if he ever thinks of Louis, if he thinks of Jude.

He cuts those thoughts off as fast as he can. Nothing good can come from that.

“Jude’s just lost his mum, his dad is god knows where, and they took him from you and I like they had any right to,” Louis sneers. “And they’re shocked he isn’t jumping for joy? He’s a child.”

Anne doesn’t say anything for a moment. “I know love,” she murmurs, finally. “I know, and we’ll deal with it one step at a time. For now, Jude is asking for you.”

“Yes,” Louis replies immediately. “Of course, let me talk to him.”

There’s some fumbling as the phone is passed over and then Louis hears soft sniffling.

“Hello?”

“Jude,” Louis breathes. “Are you okay, sweetheart?”

Jude hiccups. “Uh huh, now. I got scared, everyone was mad. I miss you, Lou.”

New York’s lights shine in Louis’ eyes even in the night. City that never sleeps, and he hasn’t been either. He closes his eyes instead, and in the darkness tries to imagine he’s there with his-with Jude. Where he should be.

“I miss you too, darling. Do you want to talk about what happened?”

The driver stops at his hotel and Louis quietly thanks him before climbing out and past the group of screaming and stunned fans. He’ll be chewed out for this, going out without a body guard. Everyone’s so worried he’s going to be hurt somehow, everyone but Louis. At this point, he’d almost welcome it.

“I’m gonna live with Grandma now,” Jude sniffles. “Because I’m bad and Mummy’s daddy doesn’t want me.”

“Hey,” Louis whispers, shaking his head though Jude can’t see him. “Jude, I’m sure you weren’t bad. I can’t imagine you being bad.”

That just makes Jude sniffle again, and Louis feels awful. “I am,” he says, sounding so sure. “I don’t wanna be there and I’m not supposed to talk about you and Daddy and Mummy but I miss you so bad.”

“Love, that doesn’t make you bad,” Louis replies, keeping his voice firm. “You’re allowed to miss your family, baby, okay? You’re the best boy I know, and I’m sure that you would never be bad on purpose.”

“Okay,” Jude whispers. “I don’t want to be sad anymore, Lou.”

Louis falls back against the wall of the lift, his eyes prickling with unshed tears. “Me neither,” he admits. “I’m going to come home, okay? I’ll be at Grandma’s in the morning, I promise, we’re going to figure everything out. Don’t worry, darling, I’m going to fix this.”

It almost hurts how trusting Jude sounds when he says, “Okay, Lou. You’re gonna be here when I wake up?”

Louis smiles, finally. “I will try my very hardest to be, love, but it depends on when I can get the plane to leave. Tell you what, if you sleep in then I’ll definitely be there when you wake up.”

Jude giggles and the sound makes Louis’ heart soar. “Okay, I’ll try. I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. Hand the phone back to Grandma now, okay? Sweet dreams.”

There’s more fumbling and Anne’s soft voice whispering to Jude. “Louis,” she says. “Darling, you don’t have to come back.”

The lift doors open and Louis heads for his room. Security down the hall is glaring at him, probably because they’ve been looking for him. Really, he’s grown quite sick of this watching over him. He’s a grown man, not an eighteen year old boy anymore, he can handle himself.

“Yes I do,” Louis says. “Jude needs me, you need me. We aren’t doing anything here anymore, anyway, just messing about. I’m coming home.”

There’s a moment where Louis realizes the flaw in what he’s just said. Anne’s home isn’t his home, Harry’s family isn’t his family. He has his own family, however broken it may be, and shouldn’t that be home? Shouldn’t the flat he once shared with Harry be his home?

But Anne doesn’t hesitate, not for a moment. “Okay, love, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Anne,” Louis says, quickly, before she can hang up. “You know I love you, don’t you? After everything you’ve done for me-I’ve never really thanked you for it-”

“Louis,” Anne breathes. “I love you too, you don’t have to thank me. Just get home safe, okay?”

_Home._

Louis lets out a long breath that he feels he’s been holding for years and nods.

After hanging up, Louis rushes around his hotel room, picking up all of his things and haphazardly throwing them into his suitcase. A quick call confirmed his plane will meet him at the airport, ready to leave in an hour. He’ll be able to make it home in time to wake up Jude, then.

There’s a knock on the door just as Louis is trying to pack his bathroom up without spilling anything into his suitcase. “Come in,” he shouts out.

Poking his head out, he sees Niall open the door and walk inside. The man looks around the room, and frowns. “What are you doing?”

“I have to go,” Louis says, zipping one of his suitcases closed and heading for another. He wishes Harry was here, suddenly. He was always able to keep Louis’ things organized on tours.

Niall shuts the door behind himself. “Why?”

“Jude’s grandparents dropped him off at Anne’s, no warning, and they don’t want him back. He needs me right now.”

Grimacing, Niall shakes his head. “God, poor kid. What a fucking mess.”

“I know,” Louis sighs, throwing a hoodie on. “I’m sorry Ni, but you and Liam will be fine to go one without me. I mean, we’re dropping band mates like flies at this point anyway, and it’s only a couple of interviews.”

Niall makes a face, watching as Louis scrambles to find his phone charger. “Lou, people are starting to talk. About this thing with you and Jude-about what was really going on with you and Harry.”

Louis swears. Thing is, Louis and Harry never told the boys about what was going on between them, but they aren’t stupid. Despite Harry’s obsessive need to hide it from Liam and Niall, there’s only so much you can hide in a tour bus. And it’s over now anyway, so what’s the point of hiding? Harry has outed himself multiple times over the past few months, Louis has been out for a year.

“Nothing is going on anymore,” Louis replies. “And I don’t care of people know Harry and I fucked. I don’t care what people think, I care about Jude.”

Niall looks a bit shocked at Louis’ admission. “I know you don’t care, I’m just saying,” he mutters. “I didn’t know Harry was going to take it this far.”

“What do you mean?”

“Harry,” Niall repeats. “I mean, I gave him those pills at the funeral, but I didn’t think he’d go looking for more.”

It feels suddenly like the world tilts on its axis. Niall is staring at Louis, like anything he’s just said is normal, and Louis is frozen in shock. All Louis can think to stutter out is, “ _What_?”

“He needed to relax-”

“You fucking idiot,” Louis spits, stepping towards Niall from across the room. “You absolute fucking idiot, you did this?”

Niall throws his hands up but Louis is already punching him in the face before either of them seem to realize what’s happening.

“What the fuck?” Niall shouts, his shaking hands rushing up to his nose.

Louis grabs the other man by his shirt and swings the door open. He shoves Niall out of it and into the hall. Liam and one of their bodyguards watch the entire ordeal with wide eyes and come running as soon as they see blood.

“Fuck off,” Louis spits, flexing his now aching hand. He wonders if hitting Niall once more would break it.

Niall sinks down against the wall. “It isn’t _my_ fucking fault, Louis,” he bellows, and Louis can see a few doors opening down the hall as their team starts hearing the commotion. “He asked me, okay? It was just some fucking oxy, it was Harry who took it this far-”

Next thing Louis knows, he’s on top of Niall and someone is screaming. Hands wrap around Louis’ waist and he’s jerked away.

“Stop it!” Liam shouts in his ear. “Fucking stop, Louis, what are you doing?”

Louis tugs himself out of Liam’s arms and looks down to find Niall leaning back against the wall, blood spouting from his nose and mouth, and Liam’s girl of the night standing beside him looking horrified. She looks to Louis with his now certainly broken hand and blood dribbling from his mouth, and he feels like a monster.

He feels like a monster because he doesn’t feel guilty.

“I’m done,” Louis decides. “Don’t call me, don’t look for me, don’t ever fucking think about me again Niall. _We_ are done.”

And despite what’s just happened, Niall looks shocked. Devastated, even, past his bleeding gums. “Louis,” he breathes.

“No. I don’t ever want to see you again,” Louis sneers. “You ruined my life, you ruined Jude’s life, and you ruined Harry’s life. I fucking hate you.”

With that, Louis storms back into his room and finishes packing his duffel bag. He’s lacing up his shoes when Liam appears suddenly at his side.

“Louis,” he says softly. “You shouldn’t have said those things to him. You’re brothers, you’ll figure it out.”

“No we aren’t,” Louis replies, wincing at the pain in his hands. “Not anymore.”

Liam reaches out, putting his hand on Louis’ shoulder and stopping him. “Lou, where are you going? You’re all beat up, you need to let someone look at you.”

“I’m going home. Jude needs me,” Louis says, standing up and jerking away from Liam’s touch. He pulls his bag over his shoulder and reaches for his suitcase with his good hand. “You should stay here and make sure your _brother_ is okay.”

And of course, because he’s Liam, he says, “Louis, you’re my brother too. I’m worried about you, this isn’t healthy. You can’t keep running off like this at a moments notice, this whole situation with Jude and Harry is going to kill you.”

“What would you like me to do?” Louis shouts, tears springing to his eyes. “Tell him no? When Jude calls me, crying, telling me he’s scared, that he misses me, and that he needs me-what am I supposed to say, Liam? Tell me, please. Tell me what to do, Li, please.”

Liam doesn’t respond. Instead, he walks forward and hugs Louis tightly to his chest, blood and all. “Louis,” he whispers, rubbing Louis’ back. “Lou, it’s okay.”

“It’s not fucking okay,” Louis whispers. “Liam, it’s not. Harry’s going to die. He’s going to kill himself, and all I can do is watch how badly he’s hurting me and everyone else around him and do nothing. When I promise Jude I’m going to fix things, I’m lying. I don’t want to lie to him, Li, but I don’t know what else to do.”

“Oh, Lou,” Liam sighs, and Louis sometimes wishes he fell in love with Liam. Steady, dependable, and straight Liam. It would have hurt, but not as badly as this does. Nothing hurts as badly as it hurts watching the love of his life destroy himself.

They stay standing there together, quiet, Louis sniffling and Liam rubbing his back. Out in the hall, Louis can hear Niall being led away to a hospital somewhere. He lost a tooth, apparently, but Louis can’t let himself feel bad. He’s resigned himself to being a monster now, if Harry wants to be one too.

“Go, okay?” Liam says, finally. “I’ll take care of things here, I’ll take care of Niall. Go see your boy, Lou, he needs you.”

And he does. Jude needs him, and Louis thinks sometimes that that’s all that keeps him going anymore.

 

* * *

 

_July, 2016_

Louis is sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and texting Zayn in a moment of weakness when Jude appears at his side.

“Lou?”

He blinks up and finds the boy standing there, eyes still glassy. Jude and Harry have been outside for over an hour now, talking and crying, while Louis has sat here trying not to think too hard about this overwhelming sadness caught in his chest.

Louis sits up and Jude comes to sit beside him. He rests his head on Louis’ shoulder and closes his eyes and just breathes. It must have been exhausting, Louis realizes, having to rehash all those years of pain.

“You alright, babes?” Louis whispers, reaching out to tuck a curl behind Jude’s ear.

Jude nods. “Thank you,” he sighs.

“For what, darling?”

“For making Dad and I talk,” Jude says. “I think…I think we could get somewhere, him and I.”

Louis smiles and wraps his arm around Jude’s shoulder, pulling the boy in for half of a hug. “I really hope so,” he says. “Because your dad loves you, Jude. I want the two of you to be happy.”

Jude nods back, the ghost of a smile on his lips. He then looks to Louis, his green eyes sparkling so much like his father’s, and says, “You were in love with him, weren’t you? And Dad was in love with you.”

The way he says it, like it’s some undeniable truth, makes Louis’ chest feel too tight. Because once upon a time, it was an undeniable truth. Once upon a time Louis couldn’t imagine ever being without Harry.

“Yes,” Louis sighs, turning away from Jude to look out the front window at the morning sky. “Yes, we were.”

 

* * *

 

The three of them are together, laughing and talking, and Louis can hardly believe it.

“He didn’t,” Jude giggles.

“Yes he did!” Harry shoots back, gesturing wildly with his hands. “And then he climbed on top of the roof with Niall and had to wait there until security found them.”

Louis rolls his eyes at Harry’s dramatic retelling. “Okay, in my defense, that was entirely Niall’s idea. He thought it’d be great fun to run away, we had no idea that many girls were going to find us.”

“Lou, that’s awful of you,” Jude laughs, leaning his head back to stare up.

Louis is sitting on one end of the couch while Jude sits on the floor in front of him, resting his head on Louis’ knees. Harry is on the opposite end of the couch, sitting sideways, his feet slowly inching closer and closer to Louis’ thigh by the second.

It was Jude’s idea to hear stories about their old One Direction days, and he’s loving every second of it. Louis is just loving seeing him smile.

“Ask your father about the time he locked himself in a recording booth,” Louis laughs. “I had to sit there with him until someone could unstick the door.”

“Louis,” Harry whines. “I’m scared of small spaces!”

“We know, kid,” Louis teases, reaching down to ruffle Jude’s curls. “I have enough stories about your dad to write a truly awful book. There’d be a whole thousand pages just about all the awful things he got into before the band even formed.”

Jude giggles and leans his head back into Louis’ touch. “You never told me how you guys formed the band. I mean, I’ve heard things but I want an official story.”

“I’ve got this,” Harry says. “Louis and I played together for a while, but we decided we wouldn’t get very far with just the two of us. So, we put an ad out in the paper and held auditions in Mum’s garage.”

Louis groans and cringes at the memory. “God, they were awful weren’t they?”

“Terrible,” Harry agrees. “And then Liam showed up right when we decided to give up, completely late, and blew us away. What was even better was that he had a friend, Niall, and invited him over afterward. That’s how we became a foursome.”

“Jesus I’m old,” Louis sighs.

It’ll be twenty years next winter, he realizes. Twenty years since One Direction formed. Twenty years since he was that little kid so in love with his best friend and singing his heart out about it in Anne’s garage.

A look across the couch confirms that Harry must be thinking the same. He’s smiling softly, like he’s remembering something wonderful, and shakes his head.

“How is Liam?” He asks, suddenly. “What is he doing now?”

Louis smiles. “He had twins two years ago,” he replies. “Twin girls, they’re absolutely lovely.”

Jude nods. “And Louis and Liam have a record label together, and they run a charity.”

Louis can feel his face starting to heat up. “It’s not that big of a deal-”

“Yes it is,” Jude interrupts, turning to look at Harry. “They do all this great work with schools, supporting music programs for kids in school and after school, and they give out a bunch of scholarships and grants every year. And his record label has basically, like, every big band out there on it. The minute they sign with Louis, that’s it, they’re brilliant!”

Harry smiles back at Jude’s enthusiasm and pokes Louis in the thigh with one socked foot. “That’s really amazing, Lou,” he says, softly. “What about Niall, what’s he doing?”

Louis frowns. “Niall and I don’t talk. You’d have to ask Liam, they’re still friends.”

As far as Louis knows, Niall is laying low nowadays in Ireland in some big mansion he bought just for himself. He toured on his own for a while after they broke up, and released some pretty great records. Not that Louis listened to them, though.

“What?” Harry asks. “You and Niall, really? Why?”

Louis looks down at Jude before saying, “I don’t think we should talk about it right now. Later.”

And although it’s obvious Harry doesn’t want to let this drop he concedes. “Later.”

Later turns out to be late into the night after Jude finally goes to bed, happy and smiling for once. The three of them spent the whole day together, talking about everything under the sun from the artists Louis’ written for to what Jude’s plans are for the future. It feels like how things could’ve been, Louis realizes, curled up on the couch with Harry by his side and Jude and George at his feet.

“What happened?” Louis asks, because the question has been killing him all day.

There’s no need to elaborate, apparently. Harry lets out a deep breath and replies, “It was awful, fucking awful. God, Lou, he thinks all these terrible things about himself and it’s my fault. It was fucking devastating to listen to him talk about himself that way. He told me you and Mum have him seeing someone, though.”

“Yeah,” Louis sighs. “I think it’s good for him, he needs someone to talk to who can help.”

“I think the two of us should go together,” Harry says. “It’s going to take a long time for the two of us to work out every little thing we need to. Louis, I don’t think I could ever thank you enough for all you’ve done for Jude. Taking him in, taking care of him-all of it. You’re wonderful.”

Louis shakes his head. “I’m not, I just love him.”

They fall silent but Harry is still staring at him. Louis avoids his eyes and leans back against the couch, sinking into the cushions and wishing he could just disappear.

“Lou,” Harry starts. “What happened between you and Niall?”

“We haven’t spoken in six years,” Louis says. Not for lack of trying on Niall’s part, though. He attempts to call Louis now and then, tries to talk to him through Liam, tries to corner him at events they attend at the same time. But Louis has absolutely no interest.

Harry’s eyebrows pull together and he shakes his head. “I don’t get it, Lou. Why? You were best friends.”

“You know why, don’t you?”

The realization hits Harry and Louis watches as his eyes grow wide. He reaches out, hand coming to rest on Louis’ wrist. There’s a tattoo there, one of many that match up with Harry’s, one of the many they got when they were both young and stupid. Louis sometimes thinks about having them removed, sometimes scratches at them angrily when he’s drunk and crying like that could get rid of the memories. Now, having Harry’s hand back on his skin sends shivers down his spine.

“Louis,” Harry says. “Is this about Chloe’s funeral?”

Just the mention of it has Louis pulling away. The memory burns; Harry, smiling and sleepy though they were laying Chloe to rest inches from his feet, his pupils like pinpricks, Louis pretending not to notice. Jude was crying, but Harry was hardly there anymore. And then he left Louis with a kiss and a promise that he’d meet him back at the flat after the reception.

“Louis, no,” Harry says. “God, that isn’t Niall’s fault, babe. _This_ isn’t Niall’s fault.”

“Then whose fault is it?” Louis demands.

Harry laughs and says, “Mine, Louis, this is my fault. This has always been and will always be entirely my fault. You can’t blame Niall for giving me the drugs I asked for, Lou, how was he supposed to know it’d come to this? You might as well go out and find everyone that ever dealt me anything and fight them. Fight yourself, as well, you gave me my first joint.”

“How’d you know we fought?” Louis asks, like an idiot.

“What?” Harry asks. “Like a fist fight, you mean?”

Louis nods. “I beat up Niall,” he says, so easily. “It was the night Chloe’s parents gave Jude back to your mum, and Niall told me what he’d done. I beat the shit out of him, broke his nose, knocked out a tooth, broke my hand. And then I ran away, I left to come home and the band broke up for real. We were finished after that.”

“Jesus Lou,” Harry breathes. “Why?”

“I needed someone to blame,” Louis explains. “Jude was hurting, I was hurting, and I needed someone to blame for it. Niall was that person.”

“But it was my fault,” Harry says, again. “Louis, this was all my fault, okay? Not Niall’s. I mean, yeah, that was stupid of him-but we were all stupid. You did some pretty dumb shit too, love. You were high through most of our writing sessions.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Yeah, weed, H. Pot, or like acid, sometimes, but nothing like what you were on. Nothing that would ruin my life. Besides, I didn’t have a child and I was doing it for fun, not to self-medicate.”

“So if Jude dropped acid you’d be totally fine with that?” Harry laughs.

“Shut the fuck up, he’d never do that,” Louis spits, furious at just the idea.

Harry sighs, dropping the subject thank god. “Louis, I’m not excusing myself here at all. I’m trying to say that the four of us did some pretty stupid shit, and Niall had no idea I was going to do what I did. He isn’t psychic, Lou.”

Louis doesn’t say anything, because he doesn’t know what to say. He knows Harry is right, he knows deep down that this isn’t Niall’s fault. But it’s just like he said, he needed someone blame.

“When was Jude with Chloe’s parents?” Harry asks.

Louis looks up and frowns. “You don’t remember?”

Harry shakes his head. “A lot of it is fuzzy,” he says. “There’s…there’s these huge lapses as well, where I have no idea what happened. I don’t remember that, but Jude mentioned it earlier.”

“I petitioned for custody,” Louis reveals. “It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal, you were labeled unfit, Anne vouched for me of course, and Jude wanted to go. But Chloe’s parents heard, because I’m me and you’re you and it made it to the press, and they decided they didn’t want him raised by someone like me?”

Harry scowls. “Someone like you?” he asks. “What the fuck does that mean, someone like you? You’re his godfather, he’s named after you, you’ve been there for him from the moment he was born.”

“I’m gay as well,” Louis laughs, though it still hurts. “Gay, and your best friend, and in a band. My _lifestyle_ wasn’t what was best for him, apparently.”

“And they were?” Harry demands. “They saw him once as a baby, they wanted nothing to do with him! Chloe hated them both. What the hell?”

Louis sighs. “H, it’s over. It was a long time ago, and they learned their lesson soon enough. Jude was only with them a couple of months before they brought him back to Anne.”

“I should’ve been there,” Harry whispers, looking guilty. “God, I should have been there. What was I thinking?”

“You weren’t,” Louis answers simply, reaching out for Harry’s hand across the couch. Harry looks up at him, eyes glassy, and squeezes back. Louis smiles. “But you’re here now, H, and now we can start to fix this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the last one!! And then a little epilogue to follow :) 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the update! Thank you for all of the comments and kudos, as always.


	10. Chapter 10

_August, 1996_

It’s been raining for days now. The drops wet the dirt under Louis’ best shoes and disguise the tears on his cheeks. Harry still notices, though. Harry always notices.

“It’s okay to cry,” Harry reminds him, squeezing Louis’ hand hard.

Louis nods. “I know,” he replies, feeling numb.

Harry reaches out and wraps his arm around Louis’ shoulder, pulling the other boy in until Louis is laying his head against Harry’s neck. There’s a man at the foot his mother’s grave talking about God, but Louis can only focus on the sound of Harry’s heart beating in his ear.

“I’ve got you,” Harry whispers. “I’m here, Lou, I’ve got you.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Louis can see his step father watching him. The disapproval is practically radiating off the man, has been since the funeral started. Louis has spent the past week at Harry’s home instead of his own, and he doesn’t think that’ll change soon.

Louis loves his sisters, he always will, but it feels almost like there’s nothing keeping him anymore. There’s nothing keeping him here, except for the solid weight of Harry’s arm around him. He closes his eyes and breathes, focuses on the words people are saying about his mother and Harry’s warm body pressing into his side.

His sister Lottie is holding one of their littlest siblings in her lap, and it dawns on Louis that they won’t even remember their mum. They’ll have no idea how wonderful she was and how much she loved all of them. Tears start fresh in his eyes but Harry is quick to wipe them away.

“Oh Lou,” he whispers, pulling Louis in for a hug. “I’m here. It’ll be okay, Lou. I’ll always be here.”

Louis lays his head down on Harry’s shoulder and finally lets himself cry.

 

* * *

 

_May, 2009_

Jude can’t sleep and Louis is starting to run out of ideas.

Anne made the boy hot chocolate hours ago, the two of them have tucked him in multiple times only to have him wake up crying from nightmares. Louis knows nothing is going to help heal this wound now, that only time can help, but he still hates not knowing what to do.

“Move over, love,” Louis whispers to the boy.

Jude does, moving over as much as he can in the little twin bed. They’ve been at Anne’s for two days now. It’s been four days since Chloe’s funeral, two day since Louis has heard from Harry, one day since he’s decided he doesn’t know what to do anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Jude hiccups through his tears.

Louis shakes his head and reaches out to brush back the boy’s curls. “Don’t apologize, my love. I’m going to stay right here with you until you fall asleep, okay? Nothing bad is going to happen to you while I’m here.”

Jude nods, because he’s seven and he still believes in that sort of thing. Sometimes Louis wishes he could too.

They lay in the quiet room together, listening to the sounds of crickets outside and Anne’s quiet murmuring to Gemma downstairs. Jude’s breathing is still returning to normal after his last nightmare, but he soon closes his eyes and sighs.

“Lou?”

“Yes, love?”

“Sing me a song?”

Louis smiles and hums. He thinks only for a moment before the words come to him. Carefully, he turns on his side so he can face the boy and reaches out to gently brush his fingers through Jude’s curls. He looks so peaceful like this, half asleep and smiling.

_Hey Jude,_ Louis starts in a soft whisper. _Don_ _’t make it bad, take a sad song and make it better._

Jude giggles softly and nods. “I like that,” he yawns.

“Go to sleep, love,” Louis answers. And then he’s singing again, and Jude is slowly falling asleep.

_And anytime you feel the pain,_

_Hey, Jude, refrain_

_Don't carry the world upon your shoulders_

The memories flash like photographs in Louis’ mind. Louis ran straight to Anne’s house and into her arms when he found out he lost his mum. Harry took him to this very room, to this very bed, and made Louis lay down beside him. Anne brought him hot chocolate, Harry cuddled him through his tears and sang him to sleep.

That’s what Jude needs now. He needs someone that’s going to be there for him, to bring him hot chocolate, to sing the nightmares away, to cuddle him when he’s scared. Someone that’s going to protect him.

And Louis is going to be that person, no matter what happens.

 

* * *

 

_December, 2015_

“Happy birthday!” Jude yells as soon as he opens the door. Louis smiles from his place on the couch and Jude walks inside, a cupcake in one hand and a balloon in the other.

“Oh my god,” Louis laughs. “Babes, what's all this?”

Jude smiles and walks into the living room, setting the balloon weight on the coffee table and handing Louis the cupcake. “It's for your birthday,” he says. “Because you never do anything for your birthday.”

“I'm old now,” Louis replies. “I’m too tired for parties. Besides, my birthday isn't for two days.”

Jude puts on a pout that quickly turns to a smile once Louis bites into the cupcake and gives him a thumbs up.

“I know, but I'm going to Grandma’s tomorrow,” Jude says. “Are you coming this year?”

“I always do love,” Louis says, reaching out to ruffle Jude’s curls. “But probably not till after Christmas. I have to make an appearance at my family's party.”

Jude grins. “Is Lottie going to have her baby there?”

“Yes love,” Louis replies. “I'll send tons of pictures.”

Jude claps his hands together. “She's the cutest thing in the world,” he says, like Louis isn’t aware that his newborn niece is an angel. “Tell Lots I'll babysit for her anytime, I mean it.”

“I will love,” he replies, knowing his sister will actually take Jude up on that offer. Lottie loves Jude, as does most of the rest of Louis’ family. Most of them.

Louis checks his watch and says, “Well we best be going. You were late, you know.”

Jude frowns. “Going where?” he asks.

“It's a surprise,” Louis replies, jumping to his feet and pulling Jude up along with him. “Come on, love.”

Jude stops asking where they're going about an hour into the drive. Instead, he turns the radio up and makes Louis sing along with him to anything that comes on. The area around quickly goes from city to country and Louis’ phone is soon barking at him to pull off at a farm.

“What's here?” Jude asks, peering out the window. “Are you buying a farm?”

Louis laughs. “No, love, I'm not buying a farm.”

As soon as the car is parked, a big black dog comes rushing out. Jude gasps and yells, “Puppy!” even though the dog is quite obviously a few years old.

While Jude jumps out of the car to play with the dog, a woman comes out of the house to meet them, all smiles. “Hello,” she calls.

“Hi,” Louis replies. “Sorry were late.”

“No, you're fine,” she says, smiling at Jude. “I see you've met the dad.”

Jude looks up from where he's letting the dog lick his face and frowns. “The dad?” He asks.

Louis smiles. “C’mon babes.”

The minute they see the puppies, Jude lets out a noise Louis is pretty sure human ears cannot register. They're in a sectioned off piece of a living room, held in barely by a baby gate. The mom is sitting outside, looking quite proud of the puppies.

“You're getting a puppy?” Jude squeals.

Louis nods. “Go on love,” he says, gently pushing the boy closer. “Pick one.”

Jude looks absolutely overwhelmed. He gets in behind the baby gate and the puppies attack him all at once. He laughs and sits down, letting them crawl all over him. It’s probably the closest thing to heaven for Jude.

“I want all of them,” he decides.

“Love, I haven't got room for six puppies,” Louis gently reminds him.

Jude sighs and looks around before picking up the puppy that's sitting on his lap. He’s black, just like the rest, with curly hair that hangs over his eyes. Jude stares at him and the dog stares right back before licking Jude's nose and putting his paws on Jude's shoulders.

“He's hugging me,” Jude laughs. “I love him, let's get him.”

Louis smiles. “Okay love. Here, let me see.”

Jude hands the dog over and the puppy immediately lays his head down on Louis’ shoulder. He snuffles for a moment and promptly falls asleep.

“He's the sweetest,” the woman tells Louis. “He's the smallest one, always seems to get lost in the rest of them.”

Jude nods. “We need him, Lou,” he decides. “He's the smallest one.”

“Whatever you want love,” Louis says, gently petting the dogs back. “He's very sweet. What are you going to name him?”

Jude doesn't even have to think about it. “George,” he announces.

“George?” Louis laughs.

Jude nods. “Mum and I always said we'd get a dog named George.”

“George it is then,” Louis says. “Come along, George.”

They leave the farm soon after with the puppy snuggled up in Jude's arms, sleeping soundly. They end up in a pet store on the way home, where Louis gives Jude free reign to pick out a million things for the puppy including a bed that is four times his size.

“He's going to get big,” Jude says, defending the bed when Louis laughs at him. “You saw his parents, Louis.”

“He's tiny now though, babe,” Louis teases.

“He's going to be the biggest dog ever, aren't you Georgie?”

George the dog picks his curly head up and licks Jude's nose. Jude smiles and then goes back to picking out a collar with a bow tie on it.

Really, George was supposed to be Louis’ birthday present to himself. He's wanted a dog for ages, and he decided a few weeks ago that he might as well get one. Besides, Liam has been nagging him lately about how he’s too lonely and needs a pet.

It's also kind of a Christmas present for Jude as well.

Jude has wanted a dog ever since he was a toddler. Chloe always promised him that someday they'd get one, but they never did. The sheer joy on Jude's face as he carries the puppy around to pick out squeaky toys is gift enough for Louis.

They get home late and Jude immediately starts setting up a corner of Louis’ living room just for George. He puts all of the toys in a little box, sets out food and water, and lays out the absolutely massive dog bed. Jude picks George up and plops the poor thing right down in the middle of it, the puppy immediately lost in all the stuffing around it.

“Oh my god,” Jude sighs. “Isn't he just the cutest thing you've ever seen in your life? Look at his little floppy ears, come here George!”

The dog picks its head up and slowly makes its way over to Jude. Jude cheers for him and starts baby talking to the puppy, telling George just how smart and wonderful he is.  The dogs going to have a massive ego, no doubt.

“Love,” Louis calls to him after he gets a text from Anne. “You best head home, yeah? Your grandmother’s on her way to get you.”

Jude sighs and brings George up to look right in his eyes. “Don't forget me and start liking Louis better just because he's your dad,” he tells the dog.

Louis rolls his eyes. “He can come too, love, just get his leash.”

Jude cheers and starts searching through all of the toys to find George's little leash. They walk down to Louis’ car with George running ahead of them, sniffing the ground and seeming excited about every new thing they encounter. Jude let’s him out to pee before they get into the car, cheering the dog on even then like picking a spot of grass is terribly important. When they finally make it to the car, Jude immediately settles the puppy into his lap.

“Are you bringing him to Grandmas with you?”

Louis nods. “Can't leave him home, love, he'll chew something and pee all over the floor. I'll have to ask Anne first though, if not I'll just leave him with Fizzy.”

Jude pouts. “No, then he'll like your sisters more than me!”

“He won't,” Louis laughs. “You'll be his favorite, lad.”

Jude smiles at the dog and lets George gnaw on his hands for a moment. Finally, he whispers, “Thanks, Lou.”

“For what, love?”

“For getting him,” Jude says. “I mean, I know he's yours but he feels partly mine too.”

Louis smiles. “He is partly yours love, look at him. He loves you already.”

“Good,” Jude says quite proudly. “Hear that, Georgie? You’re partly mine now, just like I’m partly Louis’. We’ll be a family all together, just you, me, and Lou.”

Louis pushes himself to focus very hard on the road so Jude doesn’t see how much those words affect him.

 

* * *

 

_July, 2016_

The end of their two week vacation is coming fast and Louis hates it.

Don’t get him wrong, what’s happened is amazing. Harry and Jude are talking, and laughing, and spending so much time together it’s wonderful. Louis loves to just sit and watch them interact, loves to watch them bicker over the radio, and Harry listen very intently to everything Jude says. What he doesn’t like is the slow realization that this is ending.

As awful as these years have been, Louis seems to have taken for granted just how much he loved having Jude around. Now it’s sinking in that Jude isn’t going to be around as much anymore, and Louis hates that. He’s going to miss him so much.

They’re gone now, the two of them, left sometime before Louis even woke up. Louis now sits in the back garden with a cigarette in one hand and his phone in his other. He’s talking to his assistant about an event he and Liam are throwing in a month for their charity when he hears Jude calling him.

“Lou! Lou, where are you?” Jude yells.

Louis smiles and quickly tells his assistant to check with Liam on some of the details before hanging up. He turns just in time to see Jude pushing the back door open and grinning at him. There are bags all over the floor at his feet and Harry enters the kitchen behind him carrying even more.

“Hello, boys,” Louis says. “I thought you’d abandoned me.”

Jude shakes his head. “No! Lou, put that out.”

“I’ve only just started it,” Louis whines.

Jude pouts. “Lou, put it out! You’re going to get sick, and you’re going to get cancer, and you’re going to _die_ , and then-”

“Alright, alright, christ,” Louis mumbles, stubbing the fag out on the ground. “Happy?”

Jude nods and Louis can see Harry trying not to smile behind him. “Happy,” Jude says. “We have a surprise for you!”

“Do you,” Louis muses. “Does it have something to do with all of those bags?”

Harry opens the fridge and starts putting food away. “You tell him, Jude, he’ll be angry if I do.”

“He won’t be angry,” Jude says, rolling his eyes. “We’re having a party!”

Louis raises his eyebrows, watching Harry move around the kitchen silently. “We are?” Louis asks. “Why is your father avoiding me, who’s coming to this party?”

“Everyone,” Jude says. “Your sisters are coming, Gemma’s coming, Grandma’s coming, some of Dad’s old friends, and Liam and Niall are coming too.”

That’s it then. As soon as Jude says it, Harry winces but tries to cover it up by opening the freezer. Louis watches him with narrowed eyes until Harry finally looks at him. He puts his hands on his hips and pouts.

“Louis,” Harry sighs. “It’s just a party, okay? You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to.”

“Good,” Louis says. “Because I don’t want to.”

Jude shakes his head and moves past Harry out the door. “He’ll talk to Niall, he’s just being stubborn,” he tells Harry.

“Excuse you, lad,” Louis scoffs.

Jude laughs but ignores him and yells out for George to follow him. Both Harry and Louis watch as he leads the dog far out into the yard with a ball to play fetch. Before Louis knows what’s happening, Harry is pulling up a chair beside him and sliding a cup of coffee in front of him.

“Picked it up for you,” he explains when Louis looks at him. “Jude told me what to get, but you still take it the same.”

Louis smiles. “Thanks, H.”

“Would you listen to what Niall has to say, at least?” Harry asks softly. “He seemed so excited to see you when I talked to him.”

Louis sighs. “Is he even clean?”

“Maybe,” Harry says. “But it isn’t about that, Lou. I think you need to stop holding onto these grudges on my behalf. If you should hate anyone, it should be me.”

Louis shakes his head. “I can’t hate you,” he says. “I’ve told you that before.”

Harry sighs, not looking happy about what Louis has said. “I know you've said that,” he says. “But I don't know if I completely believe it. You don't hate me, then what? We're just stuck in this in between.”

An in between is a good name for it, Louis thinks. He doesn't hate Harry, he loves him, and yet Harry hasn't said anything about changing that. Sure they've talked, and they're on the way to becoming friends again, but nothing more has happened. Harry keeps staring at him from across rooms, longing glances that last until Louis looks at him and Harry pretends he's doing something else. He’s just been acting so strange, so unlike the Harry he used to be and the Harry he had been since he arrived. Louis doesn’t know how to process it.

It hurts. It hurts that they can't just pick back up right where they left off, but it makes sense. Harry probably doesn't want him back anyway. Best friends is as far as they need to go, if they fall back together at all.

“I don't hate you,” Louis repeats. “You're my friend.”

Harry's face drops but he quickly ducks his head and nods. “Right. Friends,” he says.

Louis nods and lights another cigarette.

 

* * *

 

It’s Louis’ last day at the house before he has to return to the real world, and it’s been awful.

Jude woke him up at the crack of dawn, buzzing with excitement and insisting that Louis help in setting up the party. The three of them worked together all day making the back garden party worthy, in Jude’s words, and by the time they were through people began arriving.

Anne came first, and Louis got to watch the tearful reunion between her and Harry from the sidelines while trying not to cry himself.

Not long after Anne, Gemma arrives, and then Liam, and then Louis’ sisters, and suddenly their peaceful home for the past two weeks is crowded with people. The illusion has been shattered, and the reality hits Louis hard.

Most of Louis’ family and Harry’s friend haven’t seen Harry in years, but he handles being the center of attention with ease, just as he always has. He lets Lottie scold him, laughs with his old friends from London, and stays right at Anne’s side.

The emotion of seeing all of these people witness just how much progress Harry has made has Louis a bit overwhelmed. Everyone else seems to be enjoying the party, even Jude who hates having attention on him, but Louis can’t. He can’t enjoy a party that’s symbolizing the end of the past two weeks.

It’s a dry party of course, much to Louis’ disappointment, so his only release is the cigarette currently hanging from his lips. The party has been going on for hours now, and Louis has started a bonfire that gives him an excuse to distance himself from the party. He sits down on the grass and listens to everyone else laugh.

A loud cackle comes from across the party and Louis cringes. Niall’s been here an hour, and Louis has been avoiding him successfully for that long. He looks well enough, Louis supposes. The last time they saw one another was a year ago when Niall tried to talk to him at the Grammys. Louis practically ran over that year’s best artist just to get away.

Maybe Niall’s finally given up, Louis thinks as he spreads his legs out on the grass. The thought makes his stomach turn strangely. As much as Louis resents him, he and Niall still shared the best parts of their lives together. He’ll never forget that, he’ll never be able to truly let go.

The grass moves under a pair of beat up trainers and Jude is suddenly sitting down at his side. He reaches out for the cigarette in Louis’ fingers and throws it into the fire. Louis lets out a soft laugh, but doesn’t reach for another. Maybe Jude’s right, maybe he should stop.

Jude leans on him, resting his head on Louis’ shoulder and staring at the flames.

“Why are you sad?” he asks.

Louis sighs. “I’m alright, love,” he lies. “I’m just going to miss you.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Jude says. “I’ll still be over all the time to see you and George. This doesn’t mean I’m abandoning you.”

Louis shakes his head. “I know that, and I don’t want you to feel like it’s abandoning me, going back to your dad’s-you belong there, Jude. This is on me, it’s my own emotions getting the better of me.”

“I won’t let you be lonely,” Jude replies. “You’re still my…you’re still Lou, you know? You’re still my family, and you’ll always be my family. I’ll be around to bug you just as much as I was before, I promise.”

Louis smiles and wraps his arm around Jude’s shoulder. “You don’t bug me,” he says. “I love you, kid, you know?”

“I know,” Jude sighs. “I love you too.”

The bonfire rages in front of them, flames dancing against the setting sun. Louis stares into it, breathing slowly and holding on tightly to Jude. Surely this won’t be as bad as he thinks it will be. Surely things will be better now.

And this is part of why Louis despises himself so much, because this is a happy moment. Jude has his father back, Harry has himself back, and Louis finally has peace of mind when sending Jude home. But Louis isn’t happy, and he hates that.

“Louis,” a voice says behind him.

Louis groans. “Niall,” he says, refusing to turn around. “I’ll save you a conversation. I’m fine, you’re fine, congratulations on your accomplishments, congratulations on mine, I’ll see you in a few years.”

“Louis, get the fuck up off your arse.” Niall snaps.

“Don’t swear around Jude,” Louis says.

Jude laughs. “I’m not six, Louis. Go talk to him.”

“You’re a traitorous child, consider yourself written out of my will,” Louis replies.

Jude just laughs harder and pushes Louis’ side until Louis stands up. He turns to find Niall standing there staring at him. His eyes are glassy and he’s holding his arms open. Before Louis can think to stop him, Niall’s hugging him.

“Christ,” Louis mutters. “How’d I know you’d do this?”

Niall sniffles against Louis’ neck. “Fuck you,” he mumbles. “You’re a dick. You broke my nose.”

“Stronger than I look, I suppose,” Louis says. “I bet it added character.”

“Got it fixed,” Niall says. “Should’ve sent you the bill.”

They release one another and Niall stares at him. Louis stares back, because he doesn’t know what to say.

And then Niall says, “You should’ve told me you and Harry were together.”

“I should’ve done a lot of things,” Louis replies. “Jude, go on okay?”

Jude nods and pushes himself up off the grass. He shoots Louis a big thumbs up before running off to get food.

“He’s a sweet kid,” Niall says. “Looks just like Harry.”

Louis sighs and nods, watching Jude fall into Liam’s arms for a hug across the party.

“Louis would you just look at me?” Niall asks. “I've been trying to apologize for years, but I can't do shit if you don't look at me.”

Louis does, he turns and he looks at Niall who is just the same as he remembers. They're all getting older now, though, Louis more than anyone. He feels so much older than he is for all he's had to go through.

“I'm sorry,” Niall starts, looking sure of every word. He’s had awhile to prepare this apology, Louis supposes. “Louis, I'll never be able to apologize enough for giving Harry those pills I-”

“It's okay, Niall,” Louis says. “Harry and I've talked a lot about this. It isn't your fault.”

Niall groans. “But I feel like it's my fault. I mean, what kind of idiot listens to a man who's grieving and does whatever he asks? If I'd just said no, this wouldn't have happened.”

“He would've found somewhere else to get it from, Niall. We can't live in what ifs, trust me, I've been living in what ifs since I was sixteen. What if my mom was alive, what if Harry loved me, what if Chloe hadn't gone that day- it isn't healthy, Niall. No one can survive like that. You have to face what's happening before you lose yourself completely.”

Niall sighs and nods. “You're probably right. You've always been the smart one.”

“Thanks Ni,” Louis laughs. “I'm sorry, by the way, for breaking your nose, and for ignoring you and pushing you out of my life. Also for that one time I purposely sent your assistant the wrong address to a party and you ended up stranded.”

Niall cackles and slaps Louis on the back. “Don't worry mate, we have plenty of time for you to make it up to me, and for me to get you back.”

“Looking forward to it,” Louis replies, and he means it.

Niall wraps his arm around Louis’ shoulder and steers him towards the house. “Starting now, Tommo. We’re going to celebrate, and you’re going to stop moping about whatever it is you’re moping about.”

Louis rolls his eyes but can’t help the smile on his face. He’s missed this, he realizes as Niall pulls him into the crowd of peoples. He’s missed Niall, and he’s missed having fun and letting himself go.

The party is more fun that Louis expected it to be. His sisters berate him for never coming around enough, he spends time doting on his nieces with Jude, and eats so much food he feels like his stomach might explode. He forgot how great a cook Harry was. Louis even goes so far as to try Jude’s gross vegetarian foods, and is shocked to admit they aren’t half bad. Harry beams with pride when Louis tells him so and Anne smiles at the two of them knowingly.

Long after the sun has set and the stars have come out, only Louis, Jude, Liam, Harry, and Niall are left. They continue feeding the bonfire, pulling up chairs around it and entertaining Jude with stories of their One Direction days. Jude lays out on a blanket on the grass, cuddled up with George and a bag of marshmallows. He loves every second of it, every anecdote of little Louis and Harry running around the world, even stories about Jude as a baby and the songs they wrote for him.

They’re recanting Liam’s favorite story-the time a girl snuck into his bins to get into his hotel room-when Niall says, “We should do a reunion tour. Everyone’s always asking about it-how sick would that be?”

Louis laughs at the idea of going on tour after so long, but Jude seems to love the idea. “That’d be so cool!” he yells out through a mouthful of burnt marshmallow. “And I could come too, I never got to go with you as a kid.”

Liam nods. “That’d be brilliant, we should. The girls would love that.”

“You have school, Jude,” Louis gently reminds the boy.

Jude groans and glares at Louis from across the fire. “Stop being right all the time, Lou.”

Niall cackles and says, “Nah, we’ll do it in the summer. It’d be great, a lads tour.”

From his chair right beside Louis’, Harry finally speaks up. “I think it’s a good idea,” he says. “But not now, Ni. Maybe in a couple of years.”

“Good,” Niall says, leaning back in his chair and resting his hands on his stomach. “I’m restless, got fuck all going on-sorry Jude. How do you do it, Louis? Don’t you miss it?”

“Of course I do,” Louis says, because he does. He misses the thrill of performing, he misses traveling the world with his three best friends, he even misses that damn tour bus. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, going back, doing it over.

Liam nods and says, “Lou and I keep busy though, Niall. We’ve got work, I’ve got the twins, and Louis has Jude. You should do something, your solo career went well enough, write another album or something.”

“Maybe I’ll start a family,” Niall decides.

Everyone else laughs at him, Jude so hard Louis is worried he may choke. Niall looks offended at their laughter.

“That’s probably not something you should decide on the spot like that,” Liam laughs, always the sensible one.

The two of them start bickering over how many kids Niall should have, and whether or not adopting children is totally out of the question for a partying playboy like him. Louis smiles softly and just listens, staring into the fire and remembering how things used to be.

Just the four of them, taking on the world.

Harry startles him out of his thoughts with a hand on his shoulder.

“Lou,” he whispers. “Can I talk to you? Alone.”

Louis sighs. This is it then. This is the moment Harry finally tells him he’s figured his heart out. The moment Harry suggests that maybe they should just be friends like they had been once, and Louis can go back to just how it’d always been.

Jude watches them walk back into the house, eyes boring into Louis’ back, but says nothing.

They go into the living room, Harry leading the way and motioning for Louis to sit down on the couch. Harry doesn’t, though. Instead, he begins pacing the old wood floors, opening and closing his mouth like he’s trying to decide how best to break Louis’ heart.

Finally, he stops. He looks at Louis, eyes so green and wide, standing where they’ve had so many memories before.

“Louis, I don’t know how to say this right.”

Louis nods. “It’s okay, kid,” he says. “I know what you want to say.”

“You do?” Harry breathes, and he looks relieved.

“Yeah,” Louis replies. “And it’s okay, H. It’s been seven years since we were together, you’re not obligated to want me anymore. I love you, I’m always going to love you, and I know that you love me-but it doesn’t have to be like that again. We can just be friends, if that’s what you want.”

Harry looks stricken. He stands there for a moment, saying nothing, but the next thing Louis knows he’s crying. Louis moves to comfort him, but Harry speaks again.

“Louis, how could you think that?” he asks. “How could you think for even a moment that I don’t still want you?”

Louis shrugs. “Harry, it’s okay not to. You’ve been acting strange the past few days.”

“And why do you think I’ve been acting strange?” Harry demands.

“Because you don’t want me back,” Louis says, feeling stupider with each word and look from Harry. “You…you were emotional when you first got out of rehab, you might’ve said things you didn’t mean, and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way you did seven years ago. Or how I thought you felt.”

Harry looks angry, Louis realizes. “When I tell you I’m in love with you, when I tell you that you’re all I’ve ever wanted-you think I don’t mean that?” he asks. “I explained everything, Louis, I promised you I’d do anything to have you back, and you don’t believe that?”

Louis winces. “Harry-”

“No, tell me why,” Harry begs. “Tell me why you think that me getting sober, of all things, would change how I feel about you. I am here for you, don’t you get that? I did all of this for _you_.”

“But Jude-”

“You and Jude,” Harry says. “For both of you, Louis, always for the two of you. For the people I love more than anything else, for my family. I’ve been acting strange because I’ve been trying to think of how to ask you not to just disappear out of my life tomorrow without sounding like an arse.”

Louis looks down at his feet and shakes his head. “You don’t need me,” he whispers, finally giving a voice to his deepest fears. “Jude doesn’t need me anymore, and neither do you.”

That’s all it takes for Harry to drop down on his knees in front of Louis and reach out. He gently tips Louis’ chin up so they’re looking at one another, and there’s no hiding anymore.

“Baby,” Harry whispers, and Louis suddenly feels like he can’t breathe. “We need you. We will always need you. I’m sorry that you ever had to be all Jude had, I’ll never be able to apologize or thank you enough for that, for taking care of him. But I think now it’s time we start taking care of you.”

Louis lets out a soft sob and drops down, laying his head on Harry’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to go,” he whispers. “I don’t want you and Jude to leave my life, Harry, I’ve only just got you back.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Harry promises. “We aren’t going anywhere.”

Hands drift up from Louis’ waist, to his chest, to his shoulders. They’re hands Louis knows so well. He remembers every tattoo, every scar, every callous that brushes over his skin. If he closes his eyes, it’s almost like nothing ever changed. It’s almost like he never lost Harry.

“Louis,” Harry whispers. “Please.”

Before he can even try to explain, Louis is picking his head up and kissing him.

In all the time they spent apart, Louis tried to move on. He tried to convince himself he could love another man like he loved Harry, that he could at least try. It was a lie, of course, he was always lying to himself. No one knows him like this, no one knows him like Harry knows him.

“I love you,” Harry whispers against his lips, tugging Louis’ hair in that way that drives him mad.

Louis nods. “I love you too,” he says. “I could never stop.”

“I’m going to the spend the rest of my life loving you,” Harry promises, pressing kisses to Louis’ nose and cheek to make him laugh. “I’m going to spend the rest of our lives proving just how much I love you, just how much I’ve _always_ loved you.”

Louis smiles, tears springing to his eyes. Happy tears, for once. Harry smiles back and leans up to kiss him again.

“Dad? Where did you guys go-oh.”

The two of them look up to find Jude standing in the doorway, Liam and Niall standing behind him. The three of them look shocked, and neither Harry nor Louis seem to know what to say.

Niall breaks the silence by slapping a hand over Jude’s eyes and yelling, “Alright lovebirds, we get it! Come on Jude, Uncle Niall’s going to have to explain the birds and the bees to you now.”

Louis lets out a loud laugh and Harry looks alarmed. “No, Niall, no you’re not-Niall Horan, bring my son back here now!”

Harry moves to jump to his feet and chase after the three of them as they run laughing out of the house, but Louis stops him. He grabs Harry’s arm tightly and pulls him down onto the couch.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Louis asks him. “You have seven years of kissing me to make up for, kid, you best start now.”

Harry smirks and presses Louis back against the couch. They fit together just as they always had, respond to each other just as they always had. It feels like coming home, Louis thinks.

After seven years, they’re finally home.


	11. epilogue

_August, 2020_

“Are you crying?” Harry asks, nudging Louis as he passes by in the small kitchen.

Louis rolls his eyes but quickly wipes the tears away once Harry’s back is turned.

“Of course I’m not crying,” Louis scoffs. “Why would I be crying?”

“Hmm, let me think,” Harry muses.

He sets down the massive fruit tray he’s been working on for hours on the counter and turns. Even after all this time, even in that stupid Hawaiian shirt Louis hates, Harry still takes his breath away.

They meet in the middle of the tiny kitchen, Harry wrapping his arms around Louis’ waist and pressing his lips to Louis’ forehead. A breeze rustles through the old yellow curtains and Louis takes a deep breath. After months of traveling, it feels great to be home.

“You could be crying,” Harry begins. “Because we’re about to have a going away party for our son who you’ve been holding onto for the past few months like he might run off early.”

Louis rolls his eyes, but can’t deny it. “We were on tour,” he reminds Harry. “I’m not going to let him get lost in another country, Harold.”

“I’m sure that’s why you’ve made the poor kid spend every second of this summer he can with us,” Harry laughs. “Poor Jude, he loves you too much to tell you you’re smothering him.”

Louis fakes a gasp and pushes Harry away. “How dare you. Me? Smothering him?”

“Yes, you love,” Harry teases, returning to the salad he’s chopping up.

Before Louis can reply and tell Harry he’s been just as emotional, George comes running into the kitchen at full force, quickly followed by Jude.

Seeing him always surprises Louis for a moment. He’s always half expecting eight year old Jude to come tugging at his pant leg, not eighteen year old Jude who has somehow sprung up to be even taller than Louis. He’s still the spitting image of Harry, still has that big grin he saves only for when he’s truly happy, and tomorrow they’re dropping him off at uni where he’ll surely forget all about his family back home without him.

Jude takes one look at him and groans. “Lou, are you crying _again_?”

“Fuck off, the both of you,” Louis declares, pushing past Harry to busy himself with eating watermelon. That’ll show the two of them, he’ll mess up Harry’s meticulous fruit plate before anyone of worth actually sees it.

Jude just laughs at him. “Dad, you have to do something about him. If he cries at school tomorrow, no one is going to want to be friends with me. I’ll be _that_ kid whose dad cried setting up his dorm room.”

“I’m sorry that I am, apparently, the only one emotional about the fact that you’re an adult and you’re leaving us,” Louis calls back to the two of them.

That gets Jude, just like Louis thought it would. The boy groans and lets Louis pull him in for a hug. “Lou,” he whines. “I’m not leaving you. Halls are only two hours from home, and it’s even faster to get here.”

“He’s right love,” Harry says, moving to hide the hole Louis’ left in the fruit plate. “He’ll be back every weekend just to make me do his laundry.”

Louis sighs and squeezes Jude tightly. “I’m so proud of you,” he whispers. “You’re so brilliant love, you’ll kick uni’s ass. I promise I won’t cry tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” Jude giggles, pulling away. “I’m going to get ready, tell me when everyone gets here.”

With that, Jude leads George upstairs with him. Louis watches him go, only pulling his attention away when Harry pulls him in by the waist.

“He’s so smart, that kid,” Harry sighs. “I don’t know how he’s mine.”

“Me neither,” Louis teases. “I think most of that is Chloe.”

Harry laughs loudly and moves to corner Louis against the kitchen counter. He taps his ring finger against the counter, a habit of his now that he’s finally wearing something there. Louis smiles and taps his own right back.

“I love you,” Harry whispers, like it’s a secret. “I’m so glad you’re mine, even if you are embarrassing our son.”

 _Our son._ Just hearing those words still makes Louis’ heart beat faster. Neither of them are really sure when they started saying it, they just did. It feels like the truth, and that’s enough for them.

“I love you too,” Louis sighs, reaching out grab Harry by the waist. “Now kiss me, darling.”

They’re interrupted minutes later by Jude’s girlfriend knocking hesitantly on the door. After her, more of Jude’s friends from school start arriving, and their family soon after. If seeing Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson together, kissing, and married isn’t shock enough for those poor kids, Niall and Liam showing up just makes it worse.

Their reunion tour was short but sweet. They started just after Jude finished his exams, traveled around Europe with a short leg in North America, performing together like nothing ever changed.

Things have changed, of course, and the press absolutely ate it up. Harry and Louis announced their marriage just days before, silencing years of speculating that began when Harry and Jude moved into Louis’ flat four years ago. It had taken that long for Louis to finally give in and sign the papers in a tiny ceremony, just the two of them and Jude as a witness. It shocked the world, but they didn’t care.

Jude is hesitant and nervous as they start the party, just like he always is, but he soon warms up to all of the attention. It isn’t as bad as it used to be, his anxiety. Louis and Harry promised not to move until he finished school, and he’s spent years making these friendships, and a relationship.

Harry watches Jude’s girlfriend like a hawk at all times. Louis thinks she’s sweet and that they won’t make it a week into their long distance relationship, but Harry worries. Rightfully so, Louis supposes. Things were so different when they were Jude’s age.

The party was Louis’ idea, and it goes off without a hitch. It feels right, sending Jude off to uni and the next part of his life in the house he grew up in. The house Harry and Louis will soon be moving back into.

Halfway through, Niall is completely drunk. He brought his own beer, as always, and downed it immediately. That’s probably why he starts yelling, “Speech!” over and over while everyone is eating for no apparent reason.

“Niall, shut up,” Louis interrupts, kicking him from across the table.

Everyone laughs, except Niall who pouts and stuffs more crisps into his mouth. Something must be up though, Louis thinks, because Anne is soon turning to Jude and whispering, “You should go now, love.”

Jude smiles nervously and stands up. The crowd of his closest friends and Harry and Louis’ combined family cheer and his cheeks go red. Harry squeezes Louis’ forearm, obviously trying to decide if he should stop this or not. As much as Harry teases Louis, he’s always been the more protective one.

“He’s okay,” Louis whispers in his ear.

Harry nods and they both sit back and watch.

“So uh, hey,” Jude starts off. “I guess I’m making a speech for real now, thanks Niall. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for coming. I know it’s kind of out of the way, but I have a lot of good memories here so…yeah. This is sort of a big deal.”

Louis snorts and Harry says, “Love, you’re going to Oxford, that’s beyond a big deal.”

The crowd laughs and Jude shrugs, humble as ever. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Before this takes a weird turn, or Niall tries interrupting me, I just wanted to thank my dads really quick. I’m who I am because of you, and because of Mum, and I’m so grateful. Dad, you taught me that no matter what, there’s nothing I can get through, and I hope I can be half as strong as you are someday. Lou, you’ve been there for me always, no matter what. Even when I kept you up before all my uni interviews worrying about how bad I’d be, and I thought you might kill me.”

Anne laughs and reaches out to rub Louis’ shoulder, because he’s crying suddenly.

“You both mean everything to me, and I love you so much. Thank you, for everything, and I promise I won’t abandon you completely for Oxford.”

There’s a loud sniffle to his left and Louis turns to find Harry’s crying now as well. Louis smiles and elbows him.

“You’re not allowed to make fun of me for being the emotional one anymore,” Louis teases him.

Jude sits back down in his chair beside Harry and then they’re hugging each other. Harry whispers something in Jude’s ear and Jude nods, squeezing Harry back. He then stands up and moves to hug Louis.

Niall is saying something to the rest of the party that makes them all laugh, but all Louis can focus on is hugging Jude back.

“Thank you, Lou,” Jude says.

Louis smiles. “You don’t have to thank me, love. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Dad,” Jude whispers in his ear, just for Louis to hear.

Louis closes his eyes and smiles through his tears. After all these years of protesting it, Louis thinks maybe he can let this one slide.

 

* * *

 

_February, 1991_

Gemma’s house is much bigger than Louis’ house, and it’s mostly empty since he’s the first one here for the party. He gets lost on the way up to the bathroom, and instead pushes a door open to find a blue bedroom. There’s a boy sitting inside on his bed, tugging at his jumper and frowning.

The boy looks up and Louis gets a funny sort of feeling in his chest when he sees those big green eyes staring up at him.

“Hi!” the boy giggles. “Who’re you?”

“Hi,” Louis says. “I’m Louis, Gemma’s friend.”

The boy smiles and says, “I’m Harry! Thanks for coming to my party, Lou.”

“Happy Birthday, Harry,” Louis says. “Can you show me where the bathroom is?”

Harry giggles again and jumps to his feet. He runs over to Louis and grabs his hand. The touch sends a shiver up Louis’ arm, and he’s so confused. He doesn’t know what any of this means, doesn’t understand why he feels this, why his tongue feels tied, why he keeps staring at Harry’s big smile and dimples.

“Come on, silly, it’s this way,” Harry says, tugging on Louis’ hand.

And Louis doesn’t know why, but he squeezes Harry’s hand right back and thinks that he might just follow this boy anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The eeeend!!!! thank you for reading this absolute angst fest, I hope you've enjoyed it. Thank you for all of the kudos and comments as well <3
> 
> [The rebloggable post for this fic is here if you want](http://amories.tumblr.com/post/161816945977/take-a-sad-song-and-make-it-better-by-amory) (because apparently that's a thing I do now). I'll see you soon :)


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